The tic of time pass by slow

Paralyzed, I lay still

Soaking in salty waters

Of smoky memories..

as it's burning embers fade

Into the darkness

I find consoling

Drawing circles and spirals on air

Sighing instead of breathing

Side cheeks wet

Yet you never give notice

Mentally torturing yourself

As you think harder

Of why's and how's

But you hold on to that thin thread

As you lurk around

There's no sense in staring into space

And counting the stars

When you know

that your heart have stopped

And you already forgot

how to breathe

Love is nothing but a word

It doesn't exist

For years i was made to believe it does

But as i grow older

It's nothing but

great dissapointments and heartaches

All is just pain

A short term happiness

I wonder

What it's like to have someone

Who knows you

That,

Whatever emotions you feel

They would know without you telling them

I wonder

What it's like to have a friend

That won't judge you

Whatever you do,

You'll have their back

I wonder

What it's like

To have someone to

Share

Laugh

Be crazy with..

But I can never trust anyone but myself...

And sad thing is

I don't think I trust myself either

I'm a volcano

Waiting to erupt

Any moment now

Molten hot lavas

Will come pouring

and melt you down

For years I have been passive

Of the things you drill on my mind

But i can't take it any longer

Cause' i'm all burnt up inside

I'm a volcano

Waiting to erupt

And I wish these molten lavas

Will burn your soul to ashes

just like you did in mine

When everything's old and grey

And life has been lived

The chance of time passed

Like Autumn leaves falling

Its tree hollow--

Awaiting Winter's cold

Whenever i think of something to write i always end up comparing myself to the waves, shore, sand, ocean or whatever that has anything to do with water..

Most times i imagine myself floating, no destination just roaming around water doing nothing like a corpse waiting for someone to find me, save me..

Sometimes i feel myself sinking and feeling all the water choking me.. Filling in my lungs that slowly takes away the oxygen.. And it scares me...

Funny thing is, i hate water as much as i love it.. I love staring at it.. But never again went into it.. I love the feel of the waves splash onto my skin.. And how my feet gets buried under the sand...

I feel like torturing myself for still going there because of my reasons.. It took you away from me yet connects you to me.. And i so badly wanted to let go.. Give myself a chance to live again.. and not holding on to the guilt.. Every fucking night i cry myself to sleep because forgetting you was never an option.. But... I don't I deserve to be happy?

I am the Captain of my own ship..

I can sail whenever

and wherever I want to..

I can explore the vast lands

and oceans I passed by..

I control the wheel

and the wind motion..

But how can I move further

When you're the anchor

That pulls me back to shore?