A thousand voices,

All sounding like my own,

Speak over one another.

I can’t do anything to please them.

Nothing is good enough for them,

Nothing is enough.

Persistent and savage,

They rip me apart and devour me,

In larger portions everyday

Some are scared,

Terrified even.

Of everything.

They screech endlessly.

Some are dark,

Somber and tired.

They have one wish:

Self-destruction.

My head is so full.

Yet, at the end of each day,

I am left feeling entirely

Empty.

Closed.

I see you all, smiling.

Each one of you, just as I remember.

Euphoria fills my mind.

Tears spill down my face,

And into the crater in my chest.

The hole that grows bigger,

And more tender,

Each time you embrace someone new.

The distance between us feels small, fragile.

Paper thin.

I could float out of this fog, and into the next.

It’s no use to try..

I can’t take you with me.

Open.

It’s bright and overwhelming.

Isolating at best.

Cruel, twisted regimes..

Mundane, yet fought for.

A plane of existence,

Where you all no longer..

exist.

Maybe for now,

I will feel peace,

In the most quiet of places.

I see you all there,

And truly no where else.

Which is why,

Until our reuniting day,

I will enjoy my time alone,

With my eyes

Closed.

The air weighs so much more now.

Its compressing me.

I cant breathe it in..

its too dense.

I want to speak.

I want to yell.

My voice cant push through.

Why is my atmosphere crushing me?

We live on the same earth.

My world is perfect.

I have, perfect things.

Am I faulty?

I have withstood other elements that have tried to erase me.

The water that pleaded with me to drown.

The fire that screamed at my flesh.

I don’t want to be alone here.

But I fear my space would crush you too..

A mess of words and memories,

Flowing in my mind,

If you looked closely,

A wreck is what you’d find.

Maybe it’s my illness..

Maybe it’s meant to be.

I just want to be constant.

A level base line,

Where I can show people who I really am,

I have talents that could shine.

Instead I sit under this cloud,

That sucks my life away,

I am not religious,

But for happiness,

Id pray.

Things needed by humans,

in order to thrive.

Yet thriving is not crucial,

for one to survive.

Love me.

See me.

Just call out my name.

I'd move moutains for you,

I'd silence the rain.

A pleaser I'll be,

for your ounces of affection.

Even though providing love,

was never your intention.

I will jump for you.

I am at your comand.

Though you'd watch me drown,

while you sit on dry land.

Maybe i'm confused,

maybe love isn't this way.

But, you were my lifeline

and with my life, you did play.

No longer a puppet,

I own my own brain.

For the agony you placed on me,

I wish you just the same.

The future is mine,

I'm free at last.

I'll be forever thankful,

For your home,

in my past.

I have a bit of darkness.

It lives inside of me.

It stays quiet around others,

So they do not see.

It rips me up and cuts me deep,

Late at night,

As I try to sleep.

I place my pillow over my head..

As I listen to my darkness,

Wish me dead.

I wish I knew,

what it wanted from me.

I do everything right,

But the dark is all I see.

Sometimes I wonder,

Why it likes me so much.

Why it strokes my face,

With its rough, jagged touch.

Sometimes the darkness is blinding,

And I must shelter my eyes.

It unzips my soul with its glare.

Another part of me dies.

It searches through my memories.

Deep inside my brain

It only likes to watch the ones,

With the most pain.

If I make it through another night,

That's a night I have won.

Until the lights go out again,

And the darkness has its fun.

Saddened and dreadful.

I hold deepened regret,

For learnings and paths,

I have not discovered yet. 

Another darkness,

So grim and bold,

I feel it coming,

Another sad story told.

What have I done. 

It's been very much nothing.

Trying to decipher.

Trying to make it something.

Trap doors.

Hell fire fields,

Beneath killing floors. 

There is no need to run.

The spider weaves the fly.

Another year upon us.

The dark souls, all cry. 

Darkness hides behind my eyes.

It wears my face as its disguise.

Dressed as me.

Inside my home.

It watches and listens,

Wherever I roam.

When night time comes,

And brings its shade.

When the moon,

Has it's way,

Click, click

Lights out..

Don't look for me,

The darkness wants to play.

Gasoline poured,

Into my hollow chest.

You gently pulled the match tip,

Across my ribs.

Scorching me,

From the inside out.

Smoke pouring out of my lungs,

I watch you take a deep breath,

As the white clouds,

Drift into your nostrils.

You have burned me,

You have inhaled my pain.

But you have not won.

Someday, I'll be great.

I'll be a full version of me,

And all that I can be.

Someday, it won't hurt as much.

I'll be here, for real.

No more carved smiles,

To hide the monsters within.

Someday, my demons,

Will be tethered

And kneeling at my side.

Someday, I'll find someone.

Someone like me.

Another lion, amongst sheep.

Someday, I'll find me.

I'll meet her, for the first time.

I thought she was dead..

But she is just hiding.

Today, I am not me.

But I will be.

Someday.