I'm sorry for all the things i said to you

I promise I didn't mean them…

I don't think you're ugly

And I don't think you're stupid

I don't think you're fat

And I don't hate you

I say those things because I can't say them to myself

And I know I can't tell them to you

Not because you wouldn't believe me

But I couldn't live with myself if someone close to me knew I thought those things

I know it's unfair of me

To say those things to you

But maybe I'm hoping

You'll catch a hint

And see how unhappy I am

I promise I love you

And I promise if this was paper it would have tear stains in the shapes of hearts

But I don't want to do this anymore

And I think you'd be better off with out me

You don't need to hear these things

I think you're beautiful

And I think you're pretty

I wish I could think half of the nice things I think about you about myself

But I know that I can't

And I know that I won't

I think I've done irreparable damage

And we aren't gonna have good memories

I've severed the bond between mother and child

And we're never gonna get it back

I am not ready.

I will die.

I will fall from the sky

You will cry

With tears of guilt

Knowing that I've said this

Before I was killed.

we were sitting on the steps

in front of her house

smoking cigarettes

she told me she had

sworn off sex

since her last boyfriend

I didn’t say anything

but I knew what

she was going through

because I had also just come out

of a bad relationship

with somebody I was in love with

and I could tell she found my

silence offensive

so I told her about a seriously

fucked up girlfriend I was once

trapped with for a year

I gave her a couple of stories about the

relationship

and told her how it left me

feeling

and I explained to her that I am

quiet when I see her at work

because I hate being around a group of people

and I explained to her that I’d never asked

her out because I was broke

she brushed some ash from

her leg and talked out of the side

of her mouth,

“We’ve all been there.”

“Yeah, but I live there.”

We had sex all night.

she wasn’t a screamer

she wasn’t even a thinker

in fact, she wasn’t much

the conversations were basic and sterile

and she sold cars to cowboys and perverts

she shopped at the mall and carried her cell phone on her hip

but her ass was big and by big I mean

not really fat

-just poundable, and she went down like a

pro and it was surface, nothing in common and it

got to where I had to be pretty lit up to fuck her

but I hung in

through that Minnesota winter

I simply had nowhere else to sleep.

I sold my TV today for $100 plus

a smaller TV and this typer,

which I find too white and impersonal

this upped my money to $140

I drove immediately to the casino where I

immediately lost half of it

I have this guy on my ass about the utility bill

here at the warehouse, my dog needs her shots

and I need food for a week

plus, I just spent $7.98 on paper, lunch meat, bad bread

and air freshener to subdue my slovenliness

at least the damned TV is gone

one of those built-in VCR jobs

all I did was lay around and watch movies

I will miss the pornos

but overall I’m glad.