Why can't we

Speak the same language.

We made our own dictionary but still don't seem to connect....why.

And my soul reached out and reached for yours

And my legs began to talk

And what I felt filled my body with chills.

"He doesn't understand how much I need him"

I guess I feel like a vampire because I'm enticed by him im latched on. It throbs why can't he understand

I won't leave

Come back

Need me

You help me

If you leave so do I

Why has this become my heartbeat

Why does it help me so much

Face first

I tumble into a wall, rather a fall.

I slip

And trip into this wall.

Routine

Same old behavior.

Yeah it's me, but it's you too.

I barely kiss your lips anymore.

And when we're actually together, to appreciate each other, we're too busy watching the back of our eyelids.

I know you're busy I admire that.

But when you get upset and yell it doesn't make me want to talk, I'm scared to say what I feel. How can I. Why add gas to the fire.

I just want to be past it

But you're stubborn and so am I.

So repeat the same thing over and over again.

Don't you get tired of hitting this wall. It hurts.

Maybe I should turn the other way.

I don't want to. I want it to work.

Can we just walk around this wall. I want to communicate I want you to know

But I really don't know how to tell you.

If I knew I would tell you, pinky promise

But sometimes I get scared, of being hurt again, or things being too good to be true.

Others times I'm jealous...so damn jealous.

But I can fix that..right

I've been bruised by this same wall too many times.

Help me knock it down

I lay here

Listening

The sound of him breathing

He's Alive.

His heartbeat thuds.

I am at a shortness of breath

I just want to stay here

Peace

I feel the peace

The peace of him resting

And in these moments my mind is has peace.

No one else to worry about

It's just us

I want to keep him for myself.

Why am I so selfish?

Because I don't want to experience the simple fear of losing him.

Without him,what am I?

And yet I can't savor the moment.

I worry

"What will happen next if you don't mind me asking."

I need to know!

Yet in this moment

Laying here with him

I finally feel

Peace.

Slowly

Eating away the sanity that was so secure just a short time ago.

You don't know whether you'll make it

The unknown

The memories that slowly cut you

The unknown

"Will I have this again"

Each blow

Harder than the first

...and yet each time you stand up.

Only to get knocked down harder

By

...the unknown.

Because your mind is racing

"How can I survive when I don't know what's next"

Living day by day

Survival is a bitch

Because you're told its the right thing to do

Says who?

Everything you planned

Smashed

By the unknown

You sit there broken, wanting to be healed

And still fearing the unknown

"His eyes were unknown

The sweetest unknown I'd ever seen.

They were something I wanted to know.

I wanted to fall deep inside the unknown that was him.

I wanted to know what he hid from everyone else.

Just to know ....... You know?

He slipped through my fingers

And everything I thought I knew

Slipped into the unknown

And I was left knowing nothing."

And if I had just knew nothing or knew everything

My mind might be at ease.

Here I sit again

Halfway in

...into the unknown

Muffled

I hear groans as i toss and turn

Gently

the tears stroke my cheeks

I hastily wipe them away

"Are you weak"

Why does everyone leave

Why am I alone

Why do I push people away

What's wrong with me

I want to love so bad

But everyone has a trick up their sleeve

Everyone has trust issues which is the issue because it makes issues out of no issues.

I want to love him but he's not right for me.

Then what is

....What is right anyway

I try to avoid the pain that shoots through my chest.

That pain has become me.

I am broken

My heart takes another blow

Woah

Where am I?

Why have I stumbled?

Because I looked for you,

You said you'd never leave me so why do I feel alone?

And if I would've stopped listening to the people in the church and simply listened to what God was trying to tell me.

"Church folk"

What I always heard growing up

"Need to get in the church"

But it was never about the church at all

never about the people

never about the hypocrites that acted as though they were something they weren't

It was always about the

Message

The spirit

The relationship I had with God

But what do I do when everything I've been told is a lie

And trying to figure it out alone is so hard

I want to see him hurt

The kind of hurt that takes a lifetime to heal.

I want to watch him choke from coughing and trying to breath and crying all at the same time.

I want him to know what it feels like to think that your only option is crisply slice deep...

...to the point your arms feel numb and you just pass out blood dripping down your shirt.

Or to think about running away just to end it all.

The shortness of breathe

Waking up at night to tears and sweat.

Seeing someone else flaunt him when he was mine.

Or suppose to be I want him to feel that.

Like someone is taking a hammer and drilling it right through your chest. Deep.

Then I want him to be to feel the love return.

Unconditionally

Irrevocably

Intensely

Dive head first in love

To feel like the one that hurt him, heals him.

Holds him

Keeps him

Fix him.

Then to have that smashed down in a matter of a week. Ripped straight away from him

Make him feel the pain.

But then again. I want him to find love, love so true that he wouldn't want to hurt anyone the way he did me. I want his happiness.

....for him to wake up everyday and not want any other life expect his own.

My revenge is for him to know he gave up on someone that cared.

I want him to feel my forgiveness

Watch as I genuinely respect and care.

To realize what he lost and for him to just know

The hurt that I feel. Made me a better person.

I regret the choices I failed to make when the truth hit me dead in my face.

I sit

I wonder

I cry

I stress

Everything is piling up and it's becoming too heavy.

So why don't I listen to the signs.

Everyone can't be telling the same exact lie.

Realizing he wasn't the person i thought he was, was the hardest part.

Or maybe the hardest part was trying to continue after feeling like ending it all.

Drained

Every part of me.

And yet I couldn't give up.

I guess I just regret giving my all to the wrong person.

Because now I'm left with

Nothing

I admire anyone that falls down and get back up and succeed no matter how many times they fall... They brush off and try again, no matter how lonely they may be, they try again. Mental strength is the strongest strength you can have. It tells you to keep going when every other possible thing says

"why?"

The strongest people can get back up and keep trying

Giving in,

Giving all,

Terrified...

I fell again.

And for the same one,

it was months ago of course.

Beauty couldn't describe the beats of his heart through his chest.

Pure beauty.

I glorified everything.

His wrongs

His rights

His carelessness

Him......

Everything that made him

I felt my soul drip

Constantly

Draining me.

Who am I

What am I without ....

...him

"I love you" he spoke

As I clenched on to each word that brushed across his lips

Why did love feel this way?

The way she looked at him

The way she talked to him

The way she interacted.

The way she had what i didn't...

A deep personal relationship

Something that would hurt if it was lost.

The way he defended her.

I want that

I want that so bad.

I need that