Samson stands.

Solid sentry, standing

so Samuel’s citizens sew seeds, socialize,

souls safe.

Samson smiles:

strong, sole, sacrosanct.

Samson’s strength source -

so simple, so secret -

strands -

sable stream.

Samson stands.

Still, strength saps.

Strong, settled, safe…

Souls slip.

Supple, sweet

seraphic slut

spy

slinks so Samson sees.

Smooth skin,

silver sin,

swings self,

slinks so sultry

so Samson sees,

seeks.

Samson slips.

Supine, Samson suckles sin,

suckles sweetness,

solace.

Standing solo,

citizens’ sole strength,

spirit sags.

So Samson seeks:

skin sin

sliding sliding

supple smoothness

sliding sliding

sweat scent

sliding sliding

soft slap

sliding sliding

strain squeeze

sliding sliding

strain scream sigh

satisfy

Samson sleeps.

So sly,

sultry spy,

seeking silver

snips sacred strands;

sable stream, sliced.

Source stopped,

strength sapped,

Samson screams,

stands, staggers.

Spies surround.

Samson sinks,

seized

struck

slaved

Samson snarls, cinched;

sentries scorn.

Samson screams, “slut! serpent!”

Stops.

Stunned, sees.

Sees self:

supercilious

sex-seeking

stupid

Samson sinks,

seared, sorry, small.

Sentries scorn.

Sunken, Samson supplicates.

“Spirit Sire,”

Samson says,

“Samson’s sinful.

Samson’s small.

Sans spirit,

senseless self

signifies…”

sobs

“Samson’s sorry,

Spirit Sire…

sorry.

Samson sees.

Send strength.

Send spirit.

Send…

send Samson.”

Sinews stretch.

Scorning sentries see,

stare.

Strings snap.

Samson stands.

Dear Diary,

I had that dream again. They say if you dream a thing more than once it's sure to come true. How long does that take? Not gonna lie, I’d really love to meet this hottie I keep seeing at night. It’s not that I don’t love hanging out with the aunties all the time, but it would be nice to make some new friends who didn’t have wings or four legs. I swear that owl actually responded to me yesterday when I was berry picking.

Oh yeah, totally forgot to mention that today is my birthday. I was a little preoccupied by Prince Sexypants invading my sleep again...I guess I get a birthday wish, though. Right? Well, I wish that I could meet my dream man soon. Shoot. Is it not going to happen now that I shared my wish? Nah. Totally going to come true. Optimism for the win!

Well, I should probably go see what Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather are plotting for me today...

Love,

Rose

Dear Diary,

Seriously, the aunties couldn’t be more obvious that they are up to something for my birthday. They sent me out to pick berries...which I just did. Yesterday. And they are still sitting in a bowl on the counter in the cottage. But I’ll appease them and hang out here for a while so they can do whatever they are planning to surprise me. I’ll still act shocked when I get home so I don’t make them feel bad.

Oh, my woodland friends are here! Might go exercise my vocal cords with some of the songbirds! Is that weird? Sometimes I’m not sure it’s normal to talk to animals, but I guess I wouldn’t really know since I’ve never met another actual person other than the aunties...

Wow. I sound totally pathetic. *sigh* Whatevs. Time to sing.

Love,

Rose

Dear Diary,

O.

M.

G.

He exists. Prince Sexypants EXISTS. I’m losing my berries! I was singing, and then he was THERE. Ok, I’m freaking out. Like, a lot. A lot a lot. Someone pinch me, because there is no way this is real. My birthday wish actually came true! The guy I saw in my dreams is a real person. And I met him. And he’s even more good-looking in real life than he is in my dreams. He was kind and gentle and like, super manly. Not that I have much experience to go on, but he’s probably the most handsome and wonderful man in the world. Love at first sight? Totally a thing. I’m absolutely in love with him.

But um, I sort of freaked out and ran away and forgot to ask his name - nice move, Rose. *facepalm* BUT, I invited him to my birthday dinner tonight. Hopefully that won’t throw off the aunties plans too much. What are they going to think? I mean, I know they always lecture me on stranger-danger, but he really doesn’t seem like a stranger since I’ve known him for so long in my dreams.

Time to go tell them...I’m sure I’ve been away long enough for them to hatch whatever plan they were cooking up.

Love (what a wonderful word, right?!),

Rose

Oh, P.S. Did I mention he sings? His voice is a wonderful, rich tenor... *sigh*

Dear Diary,

How can the most incredible day ever turn into the worst day ever so quickly? I got home and the aunties had made me an incredible birthday cake and a gown fit for a princess. Which, hey, turns out that’s what I am. What girl doesn’t dream of being a princess, right? I did too, until I found out that being one meant I’d have to never see my love again...and I never even learned his name!

Apparently, I’m betrothed to some guy called Prince Philip since birth and some evil lady called Maleficent put a curse on me when I was a baby, which is why I’ve grown up like a peasant in the middle of the woods. They lied to me for my entire life. Now I have to go live in the palace and marry some prince I’ve never met and be miserable for the rest of my life. Let me tell you, not sure I’ll ever trust anything anyone says ever again.

I don’t even get to see my dream man tonight to tell him what’s going on, which makes my heart break even more. I know he felt the connection between us too and he’ll think I lied or played a trick on him and he’ll think badly of me. But Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather (who, turns out are fairies, btw. Yeah, freaking FAIRIES. Totally not even the same species as me, let alone related in any way) say we have to go to the palace tonight because the curse lifts at sundown or something.

I hate this. I don’t want to be Princess Aurora. I just want to be Rose, the peasant girl who lives in the woods with her eccentric aunts and talks to woodland creatures and sings with random handsome strangers.

Oh, the fairies are summoning me. Time to abandon my happiness forever.

Bye,

Rose...or Aurora, or whoever I am...

Dear Diary,

Ok, whoa. SO much to catch up on. It’s been absolutely crazy here at the palace and I haven’t even had a chance to crack these pages open in way too long. So, last week when I came back to the palace with Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather, I was obviously a wreck (see previous entry!). Well, how’s this for an INSANE story: The crazy lady, Maleficent, showed up and put me in some sort of trance and led me to some little turret in an obscure part of the castle, where she enticed me to prick my finger on a spinning wheel. Apparently, she thought I would die, which she was hoping for since...well, I don’t know why, but is there ever really a good reason when bad people do bad things?

Anyhow, I digress.

Thanks to Merriweather changing the spell when I was a baby, I just fell into a deep sleep. Let me tell you, that was the best rest I’ve ever had in my life. Wow. But next thing I know, Prince Sexypants is hovering over me as I wake up! He’s all like “I’m so sorry, that was NOT how I wanted our first kiss to go, but thank goodness it woke you up! Will you forgive me?”

And I was like, “Wait, you kissed me?”

And he’s like, “Yeah, and I fought a dragon to get to you.”

And I’m like, “What? How did you get here? How did you know where I was? Actually, where am I? And what happened? You fought a dragon?”

(Yeah, I know, I totally word vomited ALL over him. Not my best moment...)

So he says, “I went to your cottage for dinner, but you were gone and Maleficent and her minions were there and captured me. She locked me in her dungeon and told me you were actually Princess Aurora and you’d fallen into an unawakenable sleep unless you got true love’s kiss, which I took to assume meant you also loved me, since why else would she lock ME up, you know. I thought I’d never get out, but your fairies rescued Samson and me and we raced back here, towards the palace, but Maleficent was pretty pissed and turned into a dragon and tried to kill me, but I got her first. Oh, by the way, I never had a chance to introduce myself before you ran off. I’m Prince Philip.”

Yeah, I know, right? I had a pretty hard time believing it at first too. There was NO WAY that everything had magically worked itself out. So I pinched myself, hard. (The bruise is still there to remind me that this isn’t actually a dream.) Then I did the only logical thing I could think of in the moment: Launched myself into his arms and kissed him full on the mouth. I really don’t know what came over me. I’ve never done anything like that in my life...although, actually, I never had the opportunity, so I guess I can’t say that wouldn’t be my M.O. It would be nice to think that I usually act with a little more decorum than that though.

Anyway, then I got to meet my parents - the King and Queen. Still so weird for me to say - parents! I have them! And, bonus, turns out they are pretty cool.

So now that I’ve been here a week, the talk came up about planning the wedding, since it turns out I’ve actually had like, the world’s longest engagement due to the fact that I got engaged before I could even speak...yeah....So, turns out we’ll be married in a month.

What a whirlwind, right?

I love Philip more and more with every moment I spend with him and every detail I learn about him. Oh, and here’s a crazy thing: He dreamed about ME, too! WHAT?!

And I might have accidentally slipped and called him Prince Sexypants to his face yesterday...Yep, that was totally meant to stay between me and these pages, but oh well.

He got this smug grin, so I tackled him with a kiss to wipe it off his ridiculously handsome face. ;) Wow, guess that IS my M.O.

Oh, Diary, what a rollercoaster, but I’ve never been so happy in my whole life. Well, I’ve got a wedding to plan, so until next time...

Love,

Princess Aurora

Alice giggled, hearing the rabbits chime once more for the fourth time that day. Silly rabbit, how could he be late again? He had already traveled to Queen of Hearts’ castle three times today!

A smile danced it’s way onto her lips as she skipped after the rabbit. She bent down in front of the rabbit hole, this time deciding she would travel on her belly.

She laughed and giggled as she flew down the rabbit hole, the twists and turns making it feel as if it were a waterslide without water.

She was thrown out of the slide, landing on her stomach in a room full of paintings. Just like every other trip, this room had been every bit diffrent from the last. To the tiles covering the floor, to all the cracks in the walls!

She had already lost sight of Mr. Rabbit, he was much, much faster than her after all. She took a moment to admire the beautiful painting that hung off of the walls, knowing she would catch up with the rabbit later on. She always did.

After the paintings began to bore her, she continued down the long, stretched hallway, her shoes making no noise against the red carpet placed below her.

There was a large archway towards the end of the tunnle. Alice sped up, her skip turning into a run.

She giggled as she closed her eyes, a cold sensation washing over her as she stepped out of the tunnel. It felt like hard pelts on her now freezing skin, a cold breeze of air flowing around her, hitting her in the face. Her eyes flew open and she was met with a wall filled with graffiti in front of her.

No no no no no I always find Mr. Rabit at the end of the tunnel!

Panic flodded Alice. She looked down, her dirty, blond hair falling into veiw as she ummaged around in her muddy pant pocket. She was shakey as she pulled out a small bottle.

A pill bottle.

Happy birthday to you!

Who are you?

Is your name Steve or Sue?

Do you like pink or blue?

Will you wish for a letter q?

Would you like a canoe?

Want a Mountain Dew?

Are you feeling blue?

What do you want, give me a clue!

Would you like some homemade stew?

Please give me a clue!

Want to visit Peru?

If yes, I want to go too!

Want to make art and have some glue?

I know you don’t want that and it’s true.

What would you like to do?

Want an emu?

I already know you!

You wanted __________, I already knew!

When you're a queen, your word is law. When your word is law, people fear you. They cower, they hide, and they bend over backwards to assure your satisfaction. Without question they listen, attentive and responsive with keenness, but in that same pleasant breath they scorn your existence.

When you're a queen, you rule the world. Every man and woman nothing, but a pawn on your playing board as they bow, their backs near breaking point—and Amora liked it that way. She liked having every pathetic man on their knees begging for her hand, her lips, and her body. Some times she'd give in, allowing those desperate men to bed her into senselessness, but there was always something missing.

Her body felt empty and unsatisfied. Deep down, Amora knew she wasn't as callous as everyone assumed her to be. Her heart throbbed against her chest with a longing; a longing to be cradled in someone's arms and loved. Genuinely loved. She wished to feel the soft touches of their affectionate hands, to feel fluttering kisses against her neck, and to stare endlessly into their eyes, seeing the very depths of their being. She wanted the sensations of butterflies in her stomach and to feel the burning of her cheeks from embarrassment. She wanted to feel their soul flow through her as they made love. Everything that love should be she sought. She sought it so badly her kingdom’s emblem reformed into a heart—and she was the Queen of Hearts.

Amora was allowed a scarce moment of freedom and in that time she took to her private garden—she always visited her garden. Daintily she touched the petals of her bright and brisk roses, their petals large and soft under the tips of her fingers. Smiling, she pulled herself back and admired her time consuming work, although her smile fell flat. There was something unsettling and off about the small bush that she couldn't place. Something drastic. Was she not watering the roots adequately? Did she not shower the growing buds in enough adoration? What did her garden need?

It was lacking something, much like her heart. It yearned for something neither could obtain and Amora felt the wound in her chest all the more. The one thing she tendered with such affection was also suffering and dejected. Was Amora not exhibiting the love it truly deserved? Were her touches like the men she bedded? Lifeless, dull, and unfulfilling? She didn’t want to think of himself in such a dishonorable way. No, she knew the reason.

Slowly she turned on her heel, staring at the center of the greenery. It held an enormous clear crystal; one no one was allowed to go near and only her most trusted of guards were allowed to gaze upon. It was Amora's most cherished and prized possession—it was her heart itself. Prickly vines that flowered the most stunning roses encircled it and inside floated a man. He drifted in a boundless slumber with blazing red hair, his long lashes making his face amply tantalizing and exquisite.

Amora sauntered towards it, carefully placing her palm and cheek against the cold imprisonment. She craved to be held in his arms. To feel his kisses, the warmth of his body, and gaze upon the honeyed smile of his face. She yearned for his fingers to grace her bare skin as their bodies laced and melted together into the night. Amora wanted his love so badly; she desired it with an unexplainable aching, but her love…her love was not reciprocated.

She was a Queen. She could have any hog faced man she wanted. Why did this one in particular disobey her? Amora didn't want to do this, but the thought of him lying with anyone else made her jaw tighten and her heart pound with a mad rage. The imageries of him loving someone so undeserving made Amora livid—so she took him. She took what was rightfully hers, capturing him in a prison of ice for all eternity, for only Amora to gaze at.

No one else would have him. No one.

“No one compares to you, Egantine. Not even the roses I so adore…” Amora breathed against the ice, her hot breath fogging against it, “You are the most beautiful. The most beautiful rose….and mine forever. To love and cherish….”

The icy response made Amora unstable. She collapsed onto the ground, tears falling from her eyes as quiet sobs rumbled from her throat—and there she sat. There she sat in the middle of her rose garden, the bushes filled with the heads of men, their mouths sprouting bloodied red flowers. The faces of men who didn't, and would never, love her the way she knew Egantine would.

A duck goes into a pharmacy: “I’ve got sore lips,” says the duck.

” Your beak is blistered. Here, use this cream.”

The duck takes the tube of cream.

“Are you paying for that?” Says the chemist.

“No,” replies the duck, just put it on my bill...”

Another duck one for older viewers.

How do you make a duck into an American singer from the 80s?

Put it in a microwave until its bill withers !

https://youtu.be/7s6VbOEnsgk

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, he's got cotton mouth and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got cotton mouth and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “DUDE!!!!!……. how much water did you drink?”

The King of Monsters makes his epic return to cinema this weekend. Since this new film marks the third entry in the Monsterverse line of films (I already reviewed Kong: Skull Island and was not impressed by it. Follow this link here in case you’re curious about my thoughts on that: https://theprose.com/post/141831/harry-situation-reviews-kong-skull-island), I think it’s time to talk about the film that kickstarted the new cinematic universe outside Marvel and DC with 2014′s Godzilla.

Godzilla was a kaiju monster movie released back in 2014, and is the second Americanized version of the iconic Japanese monster of the popular Godzilla movie franchise. It starred Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Sally Hawkins, Ken Wantanabe, David Strathairn, and Bryan Cranston, and, of course, our favorite city-destroying kaiju, Godzilla. This film was directed by Gareth Edwards, whom many recognize as the director of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. This film serves as a reintroduction to Godzilla and helps set up this new Monsterverse by pitting the King of Monsters against new monsters called MUTO’s, and humanity must adapt to the realization and aftermath that their world just smaller when these behemoths battle across their cities.

I’m a huge Godzilla fan (or Gojira as his original Japanese name is pronounced). I’ve seen most of the original Japanese films. My dorm building actually set up an all-day movie marathon of watching nothing but Godzilla movies. As much as I would like to do Countdown Reviews for each film, there’s one too many movie to talk about, plus all the Mothra and Gamera movies, and there’s certainly not enough time for me to write them all. So let’s just stick to the one that seems the most relevant to most American audiences.

I will definitely say the first big (no pun intended) positive is Godzilla himself. He looks great. The CGI that helped bring him to life looks fantastic and it also beefed him up a notch. This is by far one of the largest versions of Godzilla in cinema history (measuring about 108 meters in height whereas the original Godzilla measured roughly 50 meters in height). And his roar sounds epic too. Very loud and very powerful. And just seeing him use his iconic atomic breath on the other monsters, beautiful.

Now I know that there are people who have seen this movie are going to gripe about how little screen time Godzilla has in this movie. My best rebuttal against it is this: have you even seen the original 1954 version of Godzilla? He shows up towards the end and has less amount of screen time than that!

I like the additions of these two new monsters, the MUTOs. There are two different versions: a male that can fly and a larger female whose size almost rivals the King himself. They definitely feel like a threatening force that needed to be dealt with. Plus, I like seeing new monsters added to the Godzilla movies. It helps keep things fresh and original. And once again, the CGI really does a great job of making them supersized and life like.

I know I’ve talked about the computer effects a lot in this review, but it really has earned the most praise in this movie. The looks so good thanks to the visual effects. Everything feels so much bigger and the fact that director Gareth Edwards makes every shot feel like a first-person perspective, where it feels like you the audience is right there amist the destruction of the cities and the rumble between these titans of nature, that’s where this movie succeeds.

Now let’s address the issues. I’ve already mentioned that Godzilla didn’t have a lot of screen time in this movie. But do you know who have even less screen time than the titular monster? Bryan Cranston. Frickin’ Walter White himself. He’s easily the most relatable character in the movie, Cranston gives it his best performance, and then his character gets killed off within the first act and that’s the last we see of him. I remember when a crap ton of their advertisement featured Bryan Cranston as the focus, but no, he’s barely in this movie too. The real main character is his son (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson). That’s bullshit.

Everyone in this movie delivers good performances. I heard people say Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s performance felt stale and unemotional, but I personally know some guys in the military who are like that. The problem is that I just don’t really care about his character, or his wife (played by Elizabeth Olsen), or any of the other human characters in this movie other than Bryan Cranston and Ken Watanabe’s character, Dr. Ishiro Serizawa.

Also, was I the only one who was weirded back at the time when Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen were husband and wife in this movie, and then literally a year after the release of this movie they were brother and sister Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch in Avengers: Age of Ultron, made even weirder since I knew in The Ultimates line of comics those two characters were in an incestual relationship? Nobody? Do you feel weird now that I brought this up?

Overall, this is a really good movie. If you’re a Godzilla fan and haven’t seen this movie yet, check it out.

Positives:

-Godzilla

-The MUTOs

-Great visual effects

-Good direction

-Good performances

Negatives:

-Not a lot of Bryan Cranston

-Some less important human characters

Final Grade: B

So those are my thoughts on Godzilla (2014). Have you seen it? What were your thoughts? Excited for the sequel? Please be kind, leave like and comment, and check out more reviews here on Prose!

Best Quote:

Dr. Serizawa: “The arrogance of men is thinking nature is in our control and not the other way around. Let them fight.”

#harrysituationreviews #film #opinion #Godzilla #kaiju #monster #Monsterverse

Hello Prose!

I’m Harry Situation. I’m from Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes, and I’m gonna teach you all some Minnesota slang.

1. Dontcha Know

I hate this term so much. Fuck you Fargo for slapping this stereotype on us. It’s slang for ‘don’t you know’. You use it for, like, the end of sentences.

Example: “Minneapolis is that way, dontcha know.”

Fuck this term!

2. You Betcha

Another stereotypical term that we Minnesotans are commonly associated with, but I have heard it on more than one occasion. That term is usually a way to say we agree on something or just plain yes.

Example: “Hey, Justin Bieber sucks, right?” “You betcha.” lol

3. Borrow me

I don’t really hear this one too often. But it basically means ‘to lend’.

Example: “Can you borrow me your jacket.”

4. Hot dish

People everywhere else tends to think of a ‘hot dish’ as a well cooked meal on a plate. In Minnesota, it’s what we call a casserole.

5. Pop

That’s what we call all Pepsi and Coke products. We’re the only state that does this. XD

6. Fer cute

‘Fer cute’ or sometimes we’ll say ‘Oh fer cute’, that’s a way to exclaim something is really adorable.

Example: “Have you seen the way Daisy Ridley smiles? Oh fer cute.” ;)

7. Skol!

That’s actually an interesting one. Skol is actually a Scandinavian word. It means ‘Cheers’ or ‘Good Health’. This word is more associated with the Minnesota Vikings and their theme song.

“Skol, Vikings, let’s win the game! Skol, Vikings, honor your name!”

I’m not a fan of the Vikings at all, just so everybody knows. I would be a fan if they stopped choking every time the make it to the playoffs.

8. A bit of snow

That means ‘at least 5 feet of snow’. Yeah, whenever we say, “We just got a bit of snow”, that translates to “we got a shitload of snow in just one day and it ain’t over yet”.

9. Up North

‘Up North’ is not only a direction but it’s what we say if we’re heading up to the woods or going up to a cabin somewhere in the woods.

10. Uff-da

I actually use this term a lot. This is a term can be used to express many emotions. If someone surprises you, you can shout “Uff-da!” Or if you smell something really nasty, you can say “uff-da”. Personally, I use this term whenever I’m pretty exhausted, I’ll just yawn and say “uff-da.”

#slang #words #challenge #Minnesota

The best book I’ve read?

Honestly, it’s impossible to settle for just one. So how about I make a list of great books that have earned my highest recommendation. And if none of these are for you, that’s alright. There are plenty others you may enjoy.

Best Classic Science Fiction: 2001: A Space Odyssey by Arthur C. Clarke, a fantastic novel that explores the evolution of man and technology aided by an unknown alien monolith.

Best Modern Science Fiction: The Martian by Andy Weir, a novel about a scientist stranded on the planet Mars and does everything he can to stay alive until rescue while using realistic scientific methods that seem plausible enough to ensure survivability on Mars.

Best Fantasy Books: A tie between Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling and The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien. No explaination needed for these books and why I enjoy them. I’ll even add Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher book series too because I enjoyed the video games and only now started reading the books, to which I’m enjoying as well.

Best Classic Book: Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, a classic novel about two men trying to find work and earn a living during the Great Depression era of the United States, but it also contains a certain ending that had me like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tfhSYGIVs

Other Classic Book Favorites Include:

-20,000 Leagues Under The Sea by Jules Verne

-To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee

-Farenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Best Fiction Book Featuring Dinosaurs: Raptor Red by paleontologist Robert Bakker, an interesting novel that follows in the perspective an Utahraptor (a larger cousin of the famous Velociraptor) and its prehistoric environment.

Best Star Wars Book: The Thrawn Trilogy novel series by writer Timothy Zahn for expanding the Star Wars universe after the events of Return of the Jedi (pre-Disney mind you) and adding likeable new characters such as Mara Jade Skywalker and Grand Admiral Thrawn. I’ll also throw Star Wars: Thrawn into the mix too for helping reintroduce Thrawn in the new Disney Canon.

Best Horror Book: Watchers by Dean Koontz, a chilling story about a man who encounters two genetically engineered creatures that escaped from a lab: a golden retriever with enhanced intelligence and a monstrosity known as the Outsider that seeks to kill the dog.

Best Horror Collection: A collection of horror stories written by the master and inventor of cosmic horror himself H.P. Lovecraft. If you’re curious which of his stories you’d want to try out I recommend reading either The Call of Cthulhu, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, The Rats in the Walls, and Pickman’s Model.

Best Zombie Apocalypse Book: World War Z by Max Brooks, son of the legendary comedian/filmaker Mel Brooks. This is an excellence fictional, biographical book of a world that was once ravaged by zombies as a unknown journalist travels around the world interviewing the many survivors and shares their horrific tales of survival. Just don't ask me about the film adaptation.

Best Epic Poem: Dante's Inferno by Dante Alighieri, an interesting take of a man's descent into Hell, and one of the many inspirations behind my Sins of the Father stories.

Best Short Story: A Sound of Thunder by my favorite science fiction writer Ray Bradbury, an interesting tale about a company that uses time travel as a means of sporting entertainment, and it is with this story that it introduced me to the concept of the Butterfly Effect.

Best Novella: Who Goes There? by John Campbell, this novella served as the inspiration for John Carpenter’s The Thing.

Best Western Book: Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurty. The life and troubles of ranchers of the Old West. Be warned, this novel is extremely long (at least 100 chapters total).

Best Book You Probably Haven’t Heard Of: Reservation Blues by Sherman Alexie, a great book about life on an Indian Reservation.

Best Young Adult Novel Series: The A Series of Unfortunate Events books by Lemony Snicket. Three miserable orphans being hunted by greedy man named Count Olaf.

Best Nostalgic Books: Holes by Louis Sachar and Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli. I mean who hasn’t read these books when they were young?

Best Non-Fictions (that I recommend you should read): Tears of Rage: From Grieving Father to Crusader for Justice: The Untold Story of the Adam Walsh Case by John Walsh and Susan Schindehette, Man-Eaters of Tsavo by John Patterson, and The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs by Stephen L. Brusatte

The truly worst book that I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading is definitely Twilight by Stephenie Myer. Never have I read something so disinteresting, so bland, and so moronic in my entire life. What’s worse is that it spawned a horrible film series and a even more horrible rip-off series called 50 Shades of Gray.