I hate all the versions of me , I was a beggar

Two hands out looking for a sixpence of affection..

i hate all the versions of me that didn’t know better , but should of had known better

I hate all the versions that ever told a man she needed them … as if she didn’t learn how to walk on water … as if she doesn’t have a god , as if she is not a god or scripture .

as if she is not an ancestor … as if shes not holding wisdom in her veins … like lines crossed around her hand ..

for-telling furture

as if body cannot create life and take it back and rebuke … it’s conjuring .

i hate all the versions of me , that become a damaging ecosystem to those who tried to grow inside me

I hate all the versions of me that learned to be breathe in carbon dioxide . That when it got time to breathe in oxygen I didn’t know how to come up for air .

i hate all the versions of me that didn’t recognize I am crown and Nubian . for everytime I held a mirror againist shadows and hated my relfection .

I hate all the versions of me , that insecurity clingers for me like a cloak , a stain , I couldn’t wash .. do You know not your worth ?

i detest the growth process . … but I have adored it’s healing … for girlhood is the constant ripping of thighs and bleeding , becoming male fantasy .. and becoming standard beauty , fidgeting with scale and worth .. womanhood is bleeding and knowing body , love comes in the shape of a woman .. is taking lessons and not letting the damage be lineage …

i will not leave behind a body that Carries stories of women who did not ever learn their lesson …

My notes app is just a collection of words , I don’t have the guts to ever say and a memory list of all the times , I have to remember to do human things .

My notes app , holds all my punches that I never throw .

My notes apps reek of honesty , I an no immortal here …

I cannot pretend to be goddess and heaven ..

I shed god here , you will find no religion here

I am not Enity to be worship

But I can assure you ,

I am an offspring of Eve

I reek of imperfection

It’s the closest I will get to being myself and finding common ground in hiding in between pages …

Of too much truth and honoring lies .. just be a pretender of vulnerability

If my notes app … were read on judgement day , I be beggar of mercy and scripture ..

He says bow down bitches

hes say bow down bitches

he chows down on bitches

doesn’t Respect bitches

calls his girl a bitch

give bitches new stitches

he calls his female dog by her name … calls her Lucy , tells her to sit and roll down for a treat

but the way he treates bitches like they animal

like if Loyalty is a bone , she’d roll over , cause she get a treat

he be nice , he be real nice

shower the blood of her body

after he’s gaven her a good beating

good girl , yes good girl

rams his load into her mouth , says good bitch , good bitches beg

good bitches bark , trade their bed for a kennel , stay between the lines

don’t cross him ,

you know what bitches be bitches

bitches be crazy ,( you know you be acting crazy .. aint you hear him call you baby , he said my baby )

he always nice when you acting like a bitch

good bitches remove the fur from their skin , dont fight back

be like Lucy

His mama is a bitch , but he love his mama , like she ain’t a Bitch

he real sweet on her , like honey .

tried to tell a bitch to bitch , he treat me like a bitch , he treat me like an animal

lucy sitting here liCking his face , I wonder if the way she licks him , licks the evil off him .. thats why he don’t lay a hand on her

she cAught me crying , she barked over my tears ..I wondered was she telling me to shut up or to save me from him hearing

I seen the way bitches turn into bitches ,. At the hand of man

I seen the way bitches … develop misogyny and swallow it down the same windpipe that mutes our voices

I seen the way bitches , mock bitches , for bruises … but offer a no way out

I seen the way bitches with old bruises ,. Mock new bruises on bitches

men are good at taking a woman and turning her into a bitch ..

men bear The fruitage of sexism and plant the seeds into women , write a Bible and name it bitches be bitches

birth a genesis of why women turn the their teeth into kitchens shears

and decide to take a slash at your throat with vulgar verbs … he will provoke the wolf … and tell her to calm down her alpha all in name of bitches be bitches

Before I am woman , I am black

Before I am woman , I am black

Before I create the metaphor and perform poetry , you will hear how I am black that is how I am Treated like black , talk like nigga

But I am not your nigger

So I will not white wash my verbs and adjectives to not offend

I talk like dead came crawling out my skin

I Part the Red Sea and show you the bones of my people buried in my vernacular

I talk like twine stuck in my teeth , from all the times my people bite down on the whip … and let blood swim down their backs into haystacks and straw

I am not built for dead white man poetry

I speak like Porsha olaywiola , jasmine mans , Cynthia valentine , rudy Francisco

But if you listen carefully , I sing hymns like maya angelou , I took the pain , tell it the way I talk

Make a choir , believe in a god , ask him where is his mercy , where does justice go when it not served ?

Their is no way , he needs that many black angels ,

If he is not building army , to correct history

Or does he know we are walking statistics and picks us off the concrete … so their is somewhere safe for us to lay our head

I was told I speak with so much anger , I don’t vist anger … but I walk with grief … and heart full of passion

So when I beat on my chest when I spit on the mic , crack open my wrist and show you were I can feel the rattle of chains , ready to slip around these colored hands. I speak , while I still got time to tell our stories .. before they erase our history …

I want to teach my history … before I become a haunting , a concrete angel …

I was told , by someone they write to escape the world .. ( it must be nice … to out run your imagination , like milk drunk nightmares, that can put you too sleep … when the midnight shivers .. ) I dance with the reaper … he knows my footsteps… can be a “misunderstanding” in the dark night … with a neighborhood watch that thinks he some kind of spider man .. I think it’s funny , how that pen of yours allows you to escape …

I think how I can’t outrun my shadows and my skin color … both are black …

This world is afraid of both …. So how can I pretend to do both , dream and honor nightmares … that are known to become reality’s

My poetry be black , my poetry talk back , this poet is black .. ..

…

Smile girl 

He says smile girl 

He says pretty girls smile with their mouth wide 

So I smile 

With my talons 

Showing 

Just in case 

He’s tries to 

Bite the monster out of me 

Let him know I am A wolf 

I will howl 

Until the whole neighborhood hears me 

I got blood on my teeth from smiling so wide 

Pulling back my jaw 

Doing as I am told 

You know what happens 

To pretty girls 

Who don't smile 

At midnight men 

They end up disappearing 

In the middle of the night 

I just need to go home 

So I give him a smile

“ He says pretty girls smile with their mouth wide “ 

But inside I feel so ugly 

I wonder how many teeth he has collected from the girls who didnt  smile back at him 

if you guys could spend a moment of your time and read my piece and cast your vote , I am really proud of this piece and the way it came out , I hope You enjoy it as much as I do , the contest ends February 26 you win by votes , the Link is down below , just copy and paste into the search bar and it will take you to my piece

Voting for some reason is still.opened through the 28

https://woobox.com/fzybjc/gallery/ISE3DEnQWMk

Poetry link for contest

Heartbreak had me kissing other people to get over you

I fell in love with too many ghost of you

I became a haunted house

Too spook

With the thought of start over

Too afraid of cobwebs of memories

That were

Edited to

Not see

The brokenness in every glass you shatter

Inside of me

I tried to turn your spells into lyrics

Thinking

I could

Pull you from the graves of

Under tow

And resurrect all the good moments

And leave all the darkness

And anger

Buried in coffins of scrapbooks

And I be lying if I didn’t bend over bodies

And try to resurrect

You through them

Searching for

Someone like you

See lips

Are the same on every body

But they all smelled like charcoal

And empty catacombs

That lack substance

just walking Cadviers

I became a coroner

Them asking

Why did I our love die

So fast

I can’t bring myself

To say

You

Ever tried to love a dead thing back to life .....

Mourning you

Was like loving you in every person I fell for

and you are dead to me love

You should kissed me on my mouth , you would have tasted the gunsmoke , I keep shooting bullets but I always miss and turn and fire it at myself , I don’t have the strength to hurt you, the anger gone its justs turns to ashes and grief ...

~ I think you can bury us now ~ wasted years

~sometimes i think about you and write poetry , because you created the most beautiful words out of my mouth , when I have nothing good to say about you ...

See I often hold my hand with my guilt and dance to often with shame and shimmer in the embers of destruction of myself

I am Rome ,

You can call me Pompeii

The way I ruin everything

I am a volcano

I bottle up my feelings

There I go exploding

Burning everything down

In my path

There I go again

I was built on ruins

Oh didn’t know I am use to people trying to tear me down .....

The wages you war never scarred me ....

~ my lips taste like rubble ~

I never wanna fall in love that shit hurt ,

Let me trip into you ,

Let’s act like it never meant to happened. Let me see you for a distance , and say no way not him , let’s be doing us , and we find wonderland and like Alice , decide to run away and create a world ,

we run through the forest

And discover the serect of the universe , let’s find the fountain youth and swallow it’s water , so our love is young and never dies , let’s make art and hang it up in a museum and leave it there , so the world knows we existed , let’s prove the world wrong , that theirs beauty in this darknesss , let’s stare at the sun , till we go blind , till are tommorrows bleed into forever , let’s write a book , and publish it for the young and old , let’s let them belive it’s a fairy tale , cause we’re breaking generational curses , their no are princess and princes , their just survivors , two knights .. slaying the dragon , their is no one to save, because we saved ourselves

~let it feel like Magic