there are several reasons i normally don’t wear makeup

but it’s mainly because it’s not my thing

if you like wearing it every day by all means do so i’m not stopping you

i support you

but that’s not who i am

i do indulge every once and awhile

it can make me feel happy

pretty

but that is a dangerous thing because to me makeup does not equate beauty and i always want myself to remember that no matter how bad i feel i am still beautiful

it does get really hard to believe that sometimes

today I hung out with my friends - masks and all - but it felt like normal almost

we went to get ice cream at oberweis in the town next door towards the end of the day after dinner

it was a lot of fun

we were all dressed up a little and wearing fun makeup

my friends did me as “emo” because that’s far from my normal style and look

and I decided to wear it for the rest of the night

i sort of regret it now

when i came back outside after ordering my ice cream one of my friends told us some boys had been laughing at her, presumably for the way she was dressed (white lacy blouse under a cowl neck mini dress; eye liner, mascara and eye shadow)

they were younger than us

probably still in elementary school or early middle school at most

she laughed it off but it still hurt

to be honest her sense of style is actually incredible - it is anything but normal and it’s beautiful

those boys didn’t seem to get that

those boys almost ruined my night for me

we thought that would be the end of it

we went to the outdoor seating area across the street to eat our ice cream

we thought we’d be able to sit and talk and eat our ice cream in peace

but the boys came back

those stupid boys came back

back on their bikes

back with their bags and staring eyes

back with their laughter and malicious smiles

they came back

it’s unnerving to be stared at and objectified by people younger than you

it’s dehumanizing

it made my skin crawl

it still does make my skin crawl

the first time they biked by and shouted at us we shouted back

in hindsight that is not the proper way to go about that but we’d thought they’d just leave after that

we thought they’d go away again and stay away

they didn’t

they came back biking around the block again

and this time they stayed by the entrance to the parking lot where my friend had parked her car and that’s when the butterflies started in my stomach but they weren’t the good kind

they weren’t the good kind

i made sure to look around for easy ways to get out after that

i couldn’t help it - it’s second nature now

i bet it’s second nature for a lot of people now

it’s hard to carry on normal conversation when you have about 12 pairs of eyes on you and you don’t know their owners

and you aren’t on stage at a show

and you’re 4 girls sitting alone at a caste iron table outside a closed starbucks in the middle of a pandemic

just ignore them they want attention one of my friends said

we nodded and carried on our conversation without acknowledging them directly

the boys decided to come closer

and closer

and closer

closer

they were at the edge of the outdoor seating area where we were when i checked over my shoulder

we were the only ones there in the seating area

they were behind us so we couldn’t see them

that’s when my friend said guys we should go

so we packed up our bags and unfinished ice cream and masks and walked to the car

heads held high

carried on our conversations

hey can i try your mask on one of the “braver” boys shouted before they all laughed

they laughed

they laughed and they ran

ran to their bikes and those who walked still ran and they were laughing

laughing at the expense of us

of me

i don’t like being laughed at

i don’t think anyone does

i don’t like being objectified and stared at

no one does

and while it might have had to do with my one friends clothes or all of our collective dressiness or the fact that we were alone and having fun (god forbid) i still can’t shake the fact that that was the first time i’ve worn a full face of makeup when hanging out with friends since homecoming and it resulted in me getting catcalled by a bunch of stupid young boys

it’s honestly disappointing

sad

disheartening

more than anything it pisses me off

so i guess this is me saying i’m sorry that i’m scared some times but this is why

and this is me saying that i know what it feels like to be objectified

i’ve felt those wretched eyes crawl across me from afar

i know how it feels to be whistled at / shouted at / honked at

(side note: it doesn’t feel good)

and later in bed while i fall asleep

i’ll spin my own story to make myself feel better

it’s a compliment a compliment a compliment

it’s a compliment a compliment a compliment

it is a compliment a compliment a compliment

it is not a compliment

and to those boys i say: you are the reason i am afraid to wear makeup

hi psa: i wanted to make it very clear that i’m not against makeup - it’s a lot of fun and i do enjoy it occasionally, and if you like to wear some every day, that’s your choice and i’m sure you’re beautiful and amazing and perfectly imperfect. <3

doesn't feel like the universe is laughing at us?

2020 started out as a year full of hope and now it's turned into a disaster

every month is something new - more cases more murders more invasive species more record breaking temperatures - we really can't seem to catch a break

school starts back up again soon and it feels strange

this summer hasn't felt like summer at all

the only constant is the heat and even that is more extreme than it has been in the past

the stress keeps piling up too and the anxiety

my school district sent an email today with plans for reopening this fall and as much as i want to be back in school i just don't see how it's all going to work out

i feel like people won't follow the rules

wearing a mask all day long will be so incredibly hard - my mom's an icu nurse taking care of covid positive patients and i don't know how she does it

and the plans they suggested all seem terrible to be honest

i just hope they pick the lesser of all of the evils

not that it'll be anything incredible

it feels like the world is on fire

at this point she could throw in a nuclear war and i wouldn't even be suprised

when kanye said he was running for president i just laughed

and then I thought about him and america and how at the rate this year is going, kanye being elected president would be one of the least surprising things to happen

and then everything on wtw it's honestly all to much

i write this on prose on my phone because my school computer (the only laptop i have availabile to me) blocked prose right after i made an account (thanks school admins) and so this is probably littered with grammar and spelling mistakes

i forgot how much i hate writing on my phone

everything that's happened so far just feels like the next event in a long stretch of time where we can do very little and everything is going wrong

it makes me feel to helpless

i wish we could make a difference

but at 16 i can't do much at all and adults don't think what i have to is valid anyway so what does it matter

this is more of a rant then any form of poetry at this point so i'm sorry

maybe i'll be able to write something coherent soon when i'm less upset

but aside from all that

it really does feel like the universe is laughing at us all