″I’ve got what you need ”,

he says.

“I think I just want some of that

pretty green weed?”,

I say.

No, no, no, you need to try this pill,

I’ll even set you up with a refill.

side effects are few,

for people with trauma like you,

this little pill will do more,

for your kind of war.

I think I’ll pass,

the internet says that one can cause a brain mass.

You need something stronger,

there’s no way you can hang on much longer.

Just try one or two,

look this one is blue!

I made it this long,

without need of your song.

People don’t survive,

don’t come out alive,

with your kind of memories,

you need a little help from these.

*shakes the bottle*

Then I’ll go down with a fight, Doc.

i’ll reset my clock.

find someone else to fund your new boat,

or buy your wife that fur coat.

put your prescriptions away,

you won’t be needing them today...

I haven't had to perform this yet, but I always imagine how I would do it should the time arise.

It may never, but, one should be prepared. Right?

Because the talk is important. That's why it merits its own article in front. Nobody's guessing which "talk" it references, we all just know.

So - how would I do it? Where to begin?

Well...

Mechanics first, right? I can't do this in print. I'd probably pull out some printouts, or a health book, or whatever. Go over the anatomy and make sure it's understood - not just glossed over, but actually identified. It might be painfully embarrasing, but that's no excuse. It's gotta be done.

Safety second. I'd have actual condoms ready to roll. I'd have more visual aids of various sex positions/acts and go over the risks involved. I'd extol the virtues of "non-reproductive" movements in particular - those done well can get you through the broke student years just fine. But I'd remind that STI's are increasing across the states and go over the importance of not only birth control but safety - including barriers, lube, testing, window periods, etc.

Finally, I'd delve into the sticky, gutsy part that often gets glossed over and left to social media preachers: The Sliders. Or, as my partner refers to them, The Dials. Amazingly we both had similar metaphors for human sexuality.

I'd explain that sexuality works kinda like a sound mixer. You've got multiple sliders/dials for various things including attraction, expression, identity, kink, libido, committment, dominance, etc. Each of these has a range you could move through, from feminine to masculine, vanilla to BDSM, daily to never, ride or die to casual, dominant to submissive, and so on. How you define them isn't really the big deal; what's most important to know is that 1) the sliders are separate - you can't lump them together 2) the sliders can always slide, they are never fixed.

You might already know where you feel comfortable, or you might need to sample more sounds to figure out what you like. You might also feel one way right now, but change over time. You might make assumptions based on other sounds you've heard, but always remember - there's no one label that encompasses all the sliders.

And even if you describe yourself with all the details and enthusiasm of a Starbucks order, the fact remains those sliders might shift and your label may have an expiration date. Instead I'd recommend being honest about where your sliders sit and encouraging your partner to do the same.

Which means of course you'll have to do the icky work of getting to know people in order to figure out whether you can really make sweet music together, whether for a single jam session or a world tour. It's also important to remember that if your band breaks up that it's not necessarily anyone's fault. The sliders shift, and sometimes they shift apart. That's just how it goes. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it or Disneyfy, there are no guaranteed soulmates in life. Just a series of intimate encounters (or not, as you prefer).

Afterwards I'd open up for questions, although for my own part this was when I bolted from the room when my parents made their attempt. Which is also fine. Sometimes who you hear the message from matters just as much as the message itself.

In which case, I hope someone else can give this talk to those I love. In a much smarter, cooler way than I ever could.