Hey,

Read this quickly because there isn't a whole lot of time. Most importantly, you should really stop walking to read this because bad things can happen when you're walking without paying attention. Please look up and notice the coffee table in front of you a little to the left. Now pay attention to your feet. You are four seconds from catastrophe. If you would kindly step slightly right as to avoid the very painful crash of your toe into the bottom corner of that wooden table.

Yeah, I stubbed my toe. It really hurt. Save yourself.

You're welcome,

Your future self

Hi.

I'm not sure what to write. There seem to not be enough words of encouragement that could brace you for what is coming.

You've just turned 20 and it's gonna be magical year. You're gonna wish 21 would be the same. It won't. It was bad but could be worse. I know that for sure because...

22 was an apocalypse.

It started with you blasting "22" by Taylor Swift. Preparing for your university exchange. Getting a bit crazy from all this lockdown but it's bearable. Until it's not.

So you go to the north, on the adventure of your lifetime.

You break down completely. For the first time in your life there is no silver lining. There is no hope. You wanna give up and you feel so so ashamed for being this way.

You don't get up from bed for days.

You reach the critical point where you wish morning never comes.

But it does. And it's scary.

I'm not gonna lie - it's gonna be tough. It will take much more strength than you had. Yet somehow you found it.

So you go to therapy. You cry, you don't sleep, you don't eat but you're still standing.

You're the life of the party. Then the party is over and so are you but not entirely.

You still fight even though you didn't know this at that time.

Then you met Him.

And He's woven from the dreams. And you get up because you want to grab that carrot cake with Him. You dress up because you wanna look pretty again. You smile without hurting your cheeks.

And you sleep well for the first time in months.

I'm not gonna say that you are you again. You're still on the mend. But it's less dark.

You see the future again.

And we're excited to see what happens next.

Hi past self. It has been awhile. We go though alot. Fights with brothers, fights with parents, dad leaving, grandparents dying, brother dying, abuse, toxic relationships. In your years to come you will see it all. You will eventually hear the words you aren't good enough. Don't take those words to heart like I did. Don't lose your self value. Don't lose your slef worth. Because one day you will find someone who will make you see you matter. While it will take some time to get back to a point where the self valuse and worth comes back. You will eventuall believe again. Take it from me well because I know what you have been though. The constant crying yourself to sleep at night. The constant nagging that you will never measure up. It is hard. It is real difficult but we make it and when we eventually do it feels damn good. Here is a warning, don't beat your self up too much.

Hey Bunny,

I made it. All the way to sixteen. You were right, it was hard. And life did suck so so bad. But you'll find a blue sky.

You're seven now, but soon you will be eleven, and learn that you weren't broken. You'll learn that there are others like you. You'll learn to love loving people.

But please Bunny, please.

Get away from him. Turn around and never talk to him. He is twice your age. Go.

Please, don't start counting calories. Please don't remember what Mom taught you at 8 when you ate something you shouldn't have. Please don't worry about keeping your pants size under a 2.

Please don't start wondering what you can do to feel warm and start hurting yourself... please talk to dad. Tell him everything. If you don't you'll end up showering in the dark and learning how to cry silently.

And when you are my age, there will be a person. They'll have red streaks in the front of their hair, and you'll want to talk to them, but be afraid.

Do it. It is so so worth it. They are worth it.

Please Bunny. please.

All my love,

Bunny (but older this time)

I have a lot to tell you, but only some of it you will understand at your age. The woman you love, you call Mom, she's not worth all this pain. She's not worth the struggles, bullying, abuse, and heartbreak. She is not worth getting Severe Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to the point where it's classified as a disability. She isn't worth chasing after for years only to still get neglected. So listen when I say this: get help. Whether it be Dad or the authorities, tell someone the monstrosities that happen to you. If not, you will regret this moment for your entire life, in pain and agony. You will be traumatized and emotionally scarred for your life, causing you to hurt yourself and go to mental hospitals. You will have so many therapists, take so many meds, and be super suicidal. So I tell you now: Mom isn't worth it and she's only destroying you from the inside outI have a lot to tell you, but only some of it you will understand at your age. The woman you love, you call Mom, she's not worth all this pain. She's not worth the struggles, bullying, abuse, and heartbreak. She is not worth getting Severe Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to the point where it's classified as a disability. She isn't worth chasing after for years only to still get neglected. So listen when I say this: get help. Whether it be Dad or the authorities, tell someone the monstrosities that happen to you. If not, you will regret this moment for your entire life, in pain and agony. You will be traumatized and emotionally scarred for your life, causing you to hurt yourself and go to mental hospitals. You will have so many therapists, take so many meds, and be super suicidal. So I tell you now: Mom isn't worth it and she's only destroying you from the inside out

.

I'd like to offer myself some false reassurances.

I'm twenty. I'm sitting in my parents' office, which is now my bedroom, because being in my old one upstairs reminds me of suicide. I'm crying. Today is my birthday. I'm twenty and I don't want to be alive.

My present self enters.

I think I would be sort of cautious. I don't like fiction or make-believe scenarios, and I'm not sure why I would be coming to this particular moment, or any past moment. But to continue with meeting my past self, I think I would hesitate at the door. Look around. Feel the 95 degree heat of a July afternoon and watch the walls sweat. Who wouldn't be sweating, watching me cry? It's embarrassing. I think of my mom. Who wouldn't? It always comes back around to who touched that part of ourselves that leaves us irreparably broken.

Turning twenty felt like committing to the life I had led up until that moment. It felt like my office-turned-bedroom, where I would watch the yellow wallpaper until I saw things in it that weren't there, all to feel something. I had depression and depression had me. I saw my life unfolding before me and I hated it, all of it. I wanted to die.

I swore to myself: I'll never see thirty. I realize in retrospect: how else was I supposed to get through that moment?

My present self would then put an arm around my past self.

I don't think I'll ever be really, truly happy. But right now, at almost thirty, things are good. I'm stable, relatively. I would doubtlessly, in this scenario in which I'm speaking to my past self, be holding a margarita. I spin it around in my hand, ice sloshing. Thinking: this girl needs a LIFE.

But I wouldn't tell myself that.

I would say: it's hard. It might not be worth it. But you're ALIVE DAMN IT.

And a good yell is all anybody crying really needs. Something louder than the pain.

I would appreciate that at least.

You are magic! Secrets of centuries in hushed whispers reside upon your lips and even though your hands shake they carry infinities between them. Let me tell you they are afraid of the calamity you can create. Scared of how your lips spit tsunamis and earthquakes and how your soul is every bit as fierce as the cosmos; the cosmos which you’ve spent eons traversing. You’ve seen every color and you are blue like sorrow and blue like the kings of old who used you to adorn themselves and red like your lips

and pink like your tongue. You have a delicate power about you in a way that you are kind to people you don’t even know and that they breathe you in like air. So when you fall (and you will fall) know that you are every bit as essential as the sun and as beautiful as the starlight that flows through your veins so don’t spill it for those unworthy.

- Calliope