I looked up at the sky, getting lost in the gradient of blues. The sky was so bright and clear, while my mind was so dark and cloudy. I heard a phone alert close by. The text notification meant my husband was around. I lowered myself into the water, pushing the raft aside, swimming across the pool.

The warm air hit my face, while hanging on the edge of the pool. I looked up, “Please just spend some time with me. I don’t care if it’s just an hour. You’re never home anymore.”

He stood in the patio doorway, staring down at his phone. I wish he got lost in my eyes the way he gets lost in his phone. I can feel my heart breaking more and more, at least what’s left of it.

He looked up, “oh my god… stop. You act like I don’t do anything for you. I work my ass off for this lifestyle that you clearly indulge yourself in”, Joel complained.

Three years into this marriage and I feel more alone than I ever have. I feel like a beggar , constantly pleading for his attention and affection. I felt my stomach in knots, once I swallowed my false hope.

“It has nothing to do with money, Joel. I’m thankful for what you do, but sometimes I need love from you. When’s the last time you embraced me, sat with me on the couch, laid next to me just to snuggle or have dinner without rushing to pick up the god damn phone? I wish it was only work tying you to your phone, but it’s not. All I wanted was one hour with you, lounging around the pool and maybe even have a conversation for once“, I cried.

The empty expression on his face showed he was unfazed, as if he didn’t hear a word I said. It wasn’t always like this. He use to shower me with love, laughter and everything in between. However, things changed once he became a partner at the most prestigious law firm in this area. Now, it’s all about his job, the money and his partner’s secretary. At least, I’m almost positive he is entertaining the idea of her.

Mariah was anything but average. She maintained her bleach blonde hair that never lacked perfection, big blue eyes and big breasted. She unknowingly flirts with every man she encounters and at the employe Christmas party, she had the attention of every man, as if there wasn’t a wife around. It made me furious!

Joel finally spoke with tension in his voice, “Grow up Alora! Accuse me of going outside this marriage because you’re jealous that I’m appreciated at the firm by everyone… and yes, the women, too. Maybe you should realize that your nagging is what deters me from spending time with you”, he finished with an arrogant smirk.

How did we get here? Joel has no idea nor does he care that I’m lonely. I’m desperate to find love within his chestnut brown eyes, but I see nothing. It’s like I’m looking into two shallow graves, where his love and mine are waiting to be covered by the dirt that signifies our marriage is about to be laid to rest. As I studied his face for any sign of expression, the wind blew his dirty blonde hair around. The strands of his hair danced in the wind, like fire dances as it burns. Joel stood against the door frame, his slender body relaxed. How?

I hopped out of the pool, grabbing my purple beach towel. Wrapping it around myself, I secured the towel against my chest hoping it will not only dry me off, but shield me from feeling more pain, thanks to his selfishness.

I walked over to him and locked my eyes on his, “At one point in time, you were the best person I knew, I swear. I love you, but instead of that love growing, it’s deteriorating. My heart wants me to tell you that I’ll stay in this pool and drown, so I don’t have to watch you leave. However, my head reminds me that I’m already drowning, just not in the pool. I’m drowning in this marriage and I will not let it take me under. I’m done Joel. I don't want a loveless marriage anymore. Money can afford us a big home, expensive cars and stupid things. Money can’t buy companionship, intimacy, love, common decency or quality time. I’m done! I’m so done. You, your job, your side girlfriend or whatever she is, can go to hell. By the way, you left your email open and Franny’s Flowers & Arrangements sent you a receipt for the flowers you bought for Mariah.”

I threw the towel down at his feet and walked away. There’s no price tag on a woman who loved and cared so deeply about her husband... that cannot be bought. Just like the Beatles sang, “Money can’t buy me love.”

My heart thundered as I stared at my new apartment, it stretched above me, a dark and brooding place with dark windows, a cry for help. My bag was swung over my shoulder, the woman behind me with a hand on my shoulder, urging me forward before I was ready.

"Don't worry dear, your room is nice, and there is a just wonderful pool outback, for you and soon to be your lovely friends to share."

In the door we went and up the creaking, winding stairs, the hallway dark, and I could hear whimpers from behind closed doors, my door at the end of the hall covered in marks, a folder on the outside. It swung open with a slight push, the bed in the corner looked soft, the pillows a light gray, and the only window let in a glow, casting in on the dust on the floor.

Then the door locked behind me and I swung, my eyes wide, a scream escaping my lips.

"It's not my fault, I didn't kill him, let me goooooo!" but there was nothing, not a sound.

I should have stayed in my pool, with the body of my dead fiancé. I rather would have stayed in the pool and down, so I didn't have to watch him leave.

I lean against the counter, he was gone.

He was never coming back. We had been stupid, I should have known better. I should have told him not to jump, or maybe checked for rocks, or not have let him come with me…..

But he’s gone now.

They said the moment he hit the water he was dead. That it was quick, painless, that he wouldn’t have felt anything because the shock wouldn’t have faded before he died.

But he screamed before he hit the water. I could still hear the pain echoing through every pitch, shrieking with a sudden realization and terror.

I cover my eyes, I needed to breathe in and out. It was going to be fine. Kaden, my best friend, died last summer. The words freeze in my thoughts… he was really gone. I would have to finish my senior year of high school without seeing his slightly crooked smile, or hear his sarcastic remarks on my plain clothes and always disastrous hair.

But first I would go to her birthday party. I hadn’t been in a pool or lake since that day. I hadn’t hung out with my friends since they buried his body in a casket deep in the ground.

I step outside to the hot sunshine and the noise of shouts of laughter. And splashing-lots and lots of splashing. But I promised her I would be here, and that I would have fun and be the normal “Liz” before the accident.

“Liz!” I turn around right in time to be half-tackled by a small red headed girl in a blue tank top and black athletic shorts.

“Hi?” I wish I could recall her name, but I don’t remember her. I don’t know why she’s hugging me, but her red hair does slightly seem familiar.

She talks so fast, and my mind rather preoccupied with the abundance of water before me, barely captures what she is saying.

Time flies by, minute after minute ticking away. I’ve settled myself in a beach chair secluded in the far corner, away from the deep abyss before me.

I jolt my eyes open as I’m being picked up and carried away from my safe haven.

“Let me down Connor! Let me down!” My voice panics as he threatens to throw me in the water. No! He wouldn’t. I kick and shout until he sets me down, clearly upset that he had freaking me out.

But then I was falling, crashing into the cold water. I felt the impact, I felt the way my body pushed through the hard surface. I screamed, water rushing up my nose and in my mouth. I struggle for the surface, and the moment I reach it I drag myself out of the water.

Who had pushed me? Connor still waded in the water, looking around also for who had done it. When I find her I stare in shock. It was her birthday party all along, Leah, my childhood friend. She looked happy at her accomplishments, and then sad.

“I’m leaving.” My voice is numb.

“Liz wait….” I turn toward her, as if hoping she’d admit it was all an accident.

“I didn’t know you’d be so scared, but you’ve been so distant, you haven’t gotten over Kaden’s death and you’ve left us all.”

I turn away from her. She looks so hurt. More hurt than I feel.

“Liz, I’ll stay in this pool and drown, so I don’t have to watch you leave,” she pauses, “Again.”

“I just…” her voice breaks off, “I just want my best friend back.”

She calls my name several times, but I don’t look back. All I see is the dangerous hue of blue that surrounded me and the words she had said echoing through my mind. And I listen to them, over and over again, until I don’t cry anymore, until all I can feel is nothing.

I watch my breath rise to the surface of the water for what seems like infinity. I have been doing the same thing for hours. Going under the surface of the pool and exhaling slowly. I stay down there until my awful survival instinct brings to to the surface. It takes longer each time.

But it isn't my fault that I am down here, I didn't want to see you hurt, to see you leave.

So, while Caroline and Elizabeth leave to see you, I'll stay in the pool and drown, so I don't have to watch you leave.

Instead I'll be there when you arrive.

Exhale.

Shattered. My desperate eyes followed her sultry, uncaring walk to the gate as I treaded water in ten foot end of my parent's swimming pool. My love in her pink one piece and matching heels was leaving for the last time and every step killed me a little. She said not what I had done for her to rip my heart out.

I asked, but she repeated, "You should know."

My mind was a blackboard with random thoughts scratched across. You think I cheated? I had not. I refused you something you desired? I gave what was possible. I was answering each common complaint instantly until they became absurd. You hate my swim trunks? Possibly.

If I had time I'd get a carving knife from the kitchen and stab myself in the heart. She would have to see my red love spread like fire through the chlorine.

I wanted to say something profound or unequivocal. Magic words that would halt her step and endear her to hear my reconciliation.

Once, there was a man who loved a woman so much...too strong. My heart yearns to be near you even when you aren't far...um no. Then it hit me. It was sharp, direct with just a pinch of desperation.

"I'll stay in the pool and drown, so I don't have to watch you leave!"

Without a pause in her stride she replied, "good!"

Shit! Now what?

There was no time to exit the pool and stop her at the gate. Maybe, if I waited. Waited for her anger to subside a couple of days. No, this was the kind that festered and grew into a hard memory. Akin to when Thanos killed Loki in front of Thor.

Granted, I've been immature. I'm nothing like her previous lovers. They were all the strong, learned, and obviously mature. I thought my uniqueness is what drew her in. The first time we met in the crowded room of my peers. I stood out with my scarred forehead and disheveled hair. She said as much, but...

That was ages ago. Soon she would...

"I'm sorry." I blurted.

She stopped and slowly turned.

"I shouldn't have said you could pass for human," I said.

"See you in class tomorrow and don't expect any special treatment when I grade your essay on how to interact with non Earth women."

As I was pulling myself out of the summer training pool one last time, my teammate grabbed my foot. She gently yanked me back down into the water.

“Where do you think you’re going? Practice isn’t over yet!” She smiled sadly.

“I should probably be headed out soon, my flight leaves in a couple hours.”

“And you’re not fully packed yet?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Of course not, Hayley. Still have some last-minute things to add. Do you think most girls bring their prom dresses with them to college?”

We laughed. While the other lanes kept swimming, we paused in silence, listening to the sound of the strokes against the water and the distant giggling of children in the kiddie pool. We wanted to hold this moment, her and I, but we also wished that it had never come to this. Towards the end, when you’re saying goodbye, it feels like you’ve never known anything else. Everything up to that was a series of lasts, and I didn’t remember how to live in the moment anymore. There was no present, just hauntings of the past and the looming fear of the future. I looked over to the sidelines, where our coach pretended to be watching the other swimmers. Usually, she would be all too quick to jump on us and tell us to get back to practice. I hated it in those moments, but now, I wished for that normalcy once more, something to bring me back and pretend like this was what I was going to do forever.

“I really should get going.”

The spell was broken.

“Tell me again why you can’t stay and go to Pacific. We could come back as assistant coaches, run the Learn to Swim program, teach the pre-competitive swimmers.”

“Out East is where the action's at. You know how good Indiana’s swim program is.”

“They’ve churned out a lot of Olympians.”

“Sure have. And, you know, this town is my hometown.”

Hometown. It sure carried a lot of weight between us. I wouldn’t have used it the same way back when I moved in halfway through 5th grade and started my last year of Elementary school with kids I’d never met before. But Hayley had been there, and Hayley had convinced me to go persuade my mom to bring me to a morning practice, test it out. Before the sun rose, I was in the pool, swimming away with the other kids. I wasn’t that fast, or that technically skilled, but when my coach saw me beaming when I got out of the pool, she told me to come back again the next day. And I did. For seven years I swam on that team, me and Hayley always in the same lane, always racing each other and telling jokes. But outside of the pool, things were different. When I didn’t have Hayley, I didn’t have anyone. Nobody else really took to me like she did – I didn’t match up with small town values. I wanted change in the world, I thought I could fix all the little things that bothered me, but all I faced was opposition. From my classmates, from my teachers, from adults. So, when the time came to apply to university, I knew that this would be my chance to get out and make big changes. I couldn’t stay here forever. That’s why I did something I would never tell Hayley: I didn’t apply to Pacific. When she got her acceptance letter, and I supposedly got mine, I told her that the scholarships weren’t as good as I had hoped. That Indiana University had offered me a full ride as a student athlete, and since Pacific didn’t even compete at that level… I made excuses. Excuses when I should have been honest.

“Right, your hometown. Meaning… you better come swimming with us at Christmas. You can show us all the drills that the fancy Olympic coaches are teaching you guys out there.”

“I sure will. And I’ll tell you all the stories about the people I meet and my roommate and my new teammates and the Midwest boys.”

I gave her a big splash, and we giggled.

“Girls, stop horsing around out there. And Cadence, stop distracting Hayley. We have a competition next week that we're going to crush. If we practice.” I blushed red. Even though this was a weekly, if not daily, occurrence, it was still embarrassing to be called out. My coach was an amazing woman, and even though I wouldn’t tell her until I had grown out of my teenage years, she was someone who I looked up to, and whose words of wisdom kept me going through college.

“Well,” I turned back to Hayley gingerly, “my mom’s going to be mad if I take any longer.”

I pulled myself out of the pool once more, this time, with no inhibition. I sat on the side with my feet in the water and pulled off my swim cap and goggles. My hair fell around my shoulders in damp clumps. The children in the kiddie pool screamed.

“Are you gonna get out and hug me goodbye?”

“No. I’ll stay in the pool and drown, so I don’t have to watch you leave.”

“Will I find you there when I come back at Christmas?”

“Yep. The chlorine will preserve me pretty well, I’m guessing. But” she said in a fakely dramatic tone. “I won’t have any soul left in my long dead body. You’ll take it with you when you go. You’ll take it with you, and bury it in the Midwest fields, under cornrows and big blue skies. I’ll live amongst the cattle and the people, floating like a ghost, waiting for you to come find me, the treasure you left behind.” Sighing, she flung her head and arms back, before sinking down into the water. When she resurfaced a few moments later, both of us smiling, I dragged her onto the decks.

“Come on, I gotta get going. I can feel my mom sending me telepathic messages about being late.”

“I guess this is goodbye.”

“Nope, this is a see you later.”

“...God, that was cheesy. I hope we never say something that unfunny again.” I giggled.

“Me too. Now give me a hug.”

Dripping wet, we gave each other one last hug as real teammates. We both knew things would never be the same again. We had always been told that high school friendships just don’t last. You go off to college, you change, you come home and see your old friends and realize they’re not the same as they used to be either. People can’t stay frozen in time, and you can’t talk to people in your memories. And then one day, you’re looking back wistfully on your life, and you think about everyone who’s made you who you are today. Sometimes you wish there were things you could have said to them that you didn’t, or you wonder where they’re at in life. It hurts, but that’s what it means to grow up.