Hold it in...like medicine

you feel that inside?

that's me, stirring up regret

memory,

questions you'll never forget

Hold it in...sweet poison

now look into my eyes.

that's you, falling through the depths

anticipation,

answers you haven't found yet

Hold it in, like medicine, I thought.

It isn't a tough pill to swallow.

Not at this point.

Not now.

Not with all the mistakes we've made.

She's here now, I think.

There's a Jim and Pam kinda vibe of self-destruction

Just hanging in the air.

We're two seconds from the edge...

Of Texas and Tennessee and some Lucero song lyrics about...

... California coming to take it all...

Hold the words. Hold it in, like medicine, I think.

I focus on her eyes. Bloodshot and stoned.

Still glossed over

From some last minute tears.

"Mistakes happen, babes." I lowered my head. Some defensive shell fuckery from my youth.

I felt the tension leave the air.

Hold it in, I think. Hold it in, like medicine.

She runs her fingers through my hair

And

I feel her press in against me.

*Nothing is right in my mind. We ignore it though and she folds into me

I take a breath and pull her in. It's a breath of frustration or euphoria or fear...

It's not a tough pill to swallow, my friend. We've been here before.

Hold It down. Hold it down, like medicine.

I

Hold it in,

Like medicine.

The bitter swallow

Of your sins.

Take that pill,

You know the one

You like to give.

Choke it down whole,

with your false pretenses

Absent admissions.

Can you please read the scrawl

Out loud for us all

It's the scrip

Signed legit

The problem

cause

solution

For your downfall.

You can ask for

second opinions

but it's time you stopped

shopping around

for a different diagnosis.

You're a headcase

to the max

Denial won't solve that

Rat a tat rat a tat

Now drink down your medicine

Over and out

Stat.

Hold it in like medicine.

Hold the truth in, like after ten seconds the lies will dissolve on your tongue.

Like it’ll cure realities, burdens.

Like it’ll open your eyes and turn lies to truth's.

Like it’ll purge your sicknesses exposing your sins through the very glands of your skin.

Hold it in like medicine.

Let the sweat coat your warm body as your fever shakes you to your very core.

The sickness within in you seems incurable.

You can't see straight.

Your vision is blurry.

Your truth as shaky and lose as what come's forth from your mouth.

But hold it in like medicine.

No one wants to know the truth, not really.

Keep it close to your heart.

Swallow the cherry tasting liquor until it's bitterness turns sweet.

The truth, bury it.

When the sickness is over your words will be sweet.

The sweet nothing's that I've only ever begged you to speak.

Your lies I can take.

But the truth I'm allergic to.

Your truth's spill hives on my skin.

Your reality sets my skin on fire.

Send's my heart into arrest.

Tell me your sweet lies.

Hold back your truths until your lies I believe.

Until your lies turn to realities.

Tell me lies, for your honesty threatens to be the demise of me.

Tell me your stories, I won't question it.

Tell me you love me.

Hold back your hate.

Hold back your heart.

Hold it all back.

Sip on the medicine of lies; temporary cure it is.

For your sickness will forever spread.

Your sickness will forever rot both our hearts.

Drink back your medicine and cough up stories coated with the cold of your soul.

Hold it in, don’t let it slip,

maintain composure,

just don’t let it rip.

Silence lingers and my stomach howls,

A screeching sound, straight from my bowels.

Not here, not now,

tense and contort,

whatever it takes,

not to blow your horn.

A squeak may emerge beyond your control,

but if you relax, it’ll blow your hole.

Just a little longer and then it will be safe,

to let it fly in the right place.

Hold it in,

just like medicine.

But if for too long, it will sing a loud a song.

Spewing a spurting with its own beat,

coming out fast and leaving some heat.

Squirming and sweating in your seat,

praying the moment will soon fleet.

Breathe in his thoughts like smoke,

hold them in, keep them stitched to your lungs.

Exhale a chained up series of

bitterly hopeful, hopefully bitter words.

Breathe in the worn-out memory

of all the times he wore

his heart on your sleeve--

hold it in, like medicine;

and whenever you are ready,

let your clammy hands uncurl,

let your shaking body rest,

pause the unending film depicting

all your impulsive, reckless mistakes.

And as you bite the inside of your cheeks,

as you pick at your face, scalp, and fingertips,

you know for a fact that all of this simply means

it is too late to go back in time.

You see, there are two choices, when you are

between a rock and a hard place:

A) swallow the red medicine without

a spoonful of sugar to help it all go down,

or B) pretend it will someday disappear

the longer you ignore it, the longer you hold it

tightly in, never letting it

coat anything beyond the

swollen, angry lump

living rent-free

in the back

of your

throat.

The sin. The sin.

Even though it was a whim,

he took her breath as if

her essence was very thin.

Hold it in, like medicine,

inhaling all this was the regimen.

Only the memories remain

the pleasure and the pain.

Although guilt shall reign

nothing more being the same.

Forevermore

changed.

carefully, carefully

he says with gentleness

the knife enters her skin

"i'm glad you and I are doing this together"

he says with the widest grin

she scream but the sound

is like music to our ears

me and Dad are celebrating

while her eyes fill up with tears

i want to kill her

but "not just yet

we have to make her feel it

i know you're excited, Son

but hold it in, like medicine"

Hold it in, like medicine,

Do not spit out that small pit,

Swallow words, sheath your sharp swords,

Do allow yourself to bow

To their whims; your wisdom dims

When compared to their hatred.

Hold it in, like medicine,

Vomit not that stomach knot

Shut your mouth and nicely laugh

At their shit, their brainless grit

Their notions, have no lotions

Dim the slap made to your sap.

Hold it in, like medicine,

God forbid farewell you bid,

‘Hail Mary’ so you marry,

Do as told, till you get old,

Death’s solace sees your prowess

Your soul, mind, how you are kind.

But now,

Hold it in, like medicine.

'Hold it in like medicine... The world doesn't want to see or hear your struggles, everyone has there own thing to worry about. You don't want to be a bother. Bottle it up, keep it inside, act normal, no one can know.'

The voice went round and round, repeating itself over and over. It had no name, no identity, though it felt like the one part of me I could trust, had to trust.

"Aunty Kayla?" i looked down. Brett, my five year old nephew asked.

"Yes honey?" I replied, I blinked eyes focused on the ceiling, tears sliding back. I thanked my lucky stars that my mascara hadn't smudged.

"Theres rainbow cake!" Brett grinned. "I went with mumat te my to the bakery and picked it myself." He paused, his train of thought broken. "Um- oh! And do you want some." He beemed, having just remembered what he had come to say.

"Yeah, I'll be sure to have some in a bit." My smile not even close to true. "Especially if you picked it."

"Ok!" Brett tottered off, the tips of his fingers caked with icing.

I glanced round, ready to leave. I didn't want to stay round people eating any longer. If I saw everyone munching on cake, well I might just be tempted to-

'Don't even entertain the idea.' I almost groaned aloud. I slipped further into my quiet corner. Children played party games in the very centre of the room, newspaper from the pass the parcel lay in clumps surrounding them. Streamers hung from the ceiling all variety of colours. A Disney soundtrack poured out of my brother in laws cheap speakers. perched precariously on a stack of draws.

I was ready to leave. I quietly walked past guests, all with paper plates, laughing joyously.

'You don't need them.'

I unlocked my car, climbing in to the drivers seat. Hands on the steering wheel, keys in the ignition, foot lightly tapping the gas- I couldn't drive. Fat tears ran down my cheeks, it was all to much. My vision blurred, as my sobs grew louder. I couldn't breath... I heard a knock on my car door. I took a big sniff, though I could do nothing for the flow from my eyes. I unlocked the car door.

"Hello Aunty, I brought you cake." Brett smiled, a piece of cake laid neatly on a napkin. I sniffed again. Shoving the cake into my trembling hands, Brett expertly climbed on to my lap, hands resting on the steering wheel. He grinned at me, icing now stuck to my steering and dashboard.

Slowly, I nibbled at the cake. Brett followed suit, wiping a big glob of icing off the top into his open mouth. I laughed. He laughed to, continuing to eat icing, slowly we worked through the cake. My shoulders shook and there we sat laughing,

I sighed, ready to take Brett back to the party. Fully aware of my mascara stained cheeks.

"Aunty." Brett said. I looked at him. "That was food cake." I smiled. I knew what I was going through couldn't be held in anymore. And I knew I'd need more help than cake in car, with my adorable nephew, but it was a start at least.