I have forever been equally blessed and cursed in life

a man that has just begun to live, by rights, as he should

after a boy continued doggedly way past his sell-by date.

Playing now to the strengths I have, but before never would

after chasing dreams of those to whom I could not relate.

I was a drug user, an alcoholic, a sex addict, all party,

overly confident, positive and anesthetised continually.

Now I don’t smoke or do drugs, drink, drunk moderately

sex is with one person, at a time, all the time, sometimes.

Yet I struggle with the black dog that hid cowering behind

the excesses, suppressed stresses, perceived successes,

and those I impressed in and out of short dresses

a tally of feast, hedonistic pleasures gorged with aplomb

yet respectful, and smiling, enemy-less, number one.

I am still a boy, but wear the mask of a steady man

for the grey world, yet let inner child out when I can.

The nonfiction now fiction, what was real hewn now in words

The blips on my radar all worthy, too late to gaze past birds.

Hard working, harder dreaming; this meandering life has been full,

yet if I died today, in this time of solidity, it would still be cool.

I rage on my tides,

quell your thirst

with cusp of life.

I am molded by

scars and flaws,

shine as beacon

on your horizon,

a combination of my choices,

the marrow in my bones,

the beginning of my destiny,

the blood of my ancestors

roiling within my veins.

I am struggling steps

of entangled roots

and broken steps.

I hang upside down

in back to front universe.

I am imagination

of evolving truth,

a cloud that changes

moods with the flick

of wind’s tongue.

I am a part of your whole

as you are part of me.

I believe in who I am

but am not what I’ll be

by tomorrow’s dawn

as fluidity swells

in surging waves.

I see and hear all

the whispered lies

but hide from myself

in masked disguise.

I listen to soft sounds

of my heart beating

and share it with you,

start the billowing fire

that burns your soul

and walk with you

through the dark night.

I am not welded

to my ideas

but we are

part of each other.

I am the sun

on your skin

the warmth abiding

the wings of an eagle

gliding through sky

in freefall of thoughts.

And when I die,

my life goes with me,

leaving a memory

of where I’ve been.

I am inspiration

I am imagination

I am wild and untamed

I am in a crowd, unnamed

I am what spills out of the sea

I am that strong oak tree

I am the whisper you thought you heard

I am ridiculous, absurd

I am that loud obnoxious cry

I am the never say goodbye

I am the last chord of a song

I am a shadow ever long 

I am the roar of a passing jet

I am the love you can't forget

I am the blank page of a book

I am the sly evasive crook

I am that one puffy cloud

I am the thought you said out loud 

I am the crack you have in your voice

I am both team's very last choice

I am the branch that taps your wall

I am a cute purse at the mall

I am what you forgot you wanted to say

I am the bad dream drifting away

I am the polish on your toe

I am the place you couldn't go

I am the car that cut you off

I am the window in the loft

I am the little girl next door

I am the creaking in the floor

I am a coat of fresh dried paint

I am the steadfast holy saint

I am the evil that keeps you awake

I am a moist piece of cake

I am the only one faster than you

I am the gossip you know isn't true

I am the steel of a smoking gun

I am the heat of the rising sun

I am none of these things at all

I am the reason that empires fall

I am all that you want to be

I am the you that is totally free.

Though I be but temporary, I am a temporary part of infinity.

I am.

Leaves rustling, crunching, floating.

Stems growing, stretching, thriving.

Worms eating, digging, squirming.

Ants building, creating, moving.

Shrooms decomposing, renewing, dispersing.

I am the grass reaching higher and higher.

I am.

Sun warming, waking, setting.

Waves crashing, pulling, wearing.

Streams rushing, taking, giving.

Moon rising, glowing, waning.

I am the stars twinkling boldly and brightly.

I am.

Birds flying, chirping odes.

Lakes thawing, changing form.

Flowers blooming, colorful aromas.

I am the fields swaying, radiant gold.

A world spinning interminably.

A universe vastly undiscovered.

Though I be but temporary, I am a temporary part of infinity.

“I AM,” I long to scream into that void. I imagine my voice echoing back to me as a sign that I am contained. But no, I scream it with every ounce of passion I can muster and it’s just sucked into the vacuum that is our galaxy.

“I EXIST!” I shout to not other soul but my own.

Day becoming night. Night becoming day.

So many times that the two become one.

Each moment welcomes new life.

Each moment in turn honors life lost.

Life begins, thrives, and ends.

Though I be but temporary, I am a temporary part of infinity.

All of this happening in an unplanned synchronization composing the most spectacular fugue ever will there be.

I am but the shell of a wandering soul.

I live and so I am life.

Though I be but temporary, I am a temporary part of infinity.

I am.

I'm the prettiest girl you'll never know;

My eyes shine bright, my smile's hollow.

I'm the fastest girl, my head keeps spinning;

If hearts are trophies, then baby, I'm winning.

I'm a real smart girl, I can play this game;

I'm playing for keeps, you'll remember my name.

I'm a dangerous girl, I'm giving you warning;

I exist in the moonlight, I'm gone in the morning.

I'm the bad girl your momma cautioned about;

I'm a daughter of Chaos, you'd better watch out.

I learned to fight dirty when I learned to keep score;

I'm not your bitch, baby, I'm not your whore.

I've got words like daggers, I can make a man bleed;

Just like I bled for true love's selfish need.

I'll sing to you sweetly, I will write you a song;

I'll curse your name, baby, don't do me wrong.

I'm a wild eyed girl, I lost myself in the night;

Will you find me at sunrise? By the dawn's early light...

I'm a playful girl, my long hair is flying;

I'm adrift in a sea of the tears I've been crying.

I'm a sensible girl, I know more than you think;

I'm a fun party girl, baby, pour me a drink.

I can make a man hot, boy, I'll make your toes curl;

I'll dance with your demons baby, see how I twirl....

I'm hiding my thoughts beneath blackest eyelashes,

My self worth's been crushed, it's been scattered like ashes.

I'd give up my power if I give you my trust;

A man loses power when he succumbs to lust.

I'm bleeding out, there are wounds that won't heal;

Fuck loving, fuck living, baby, fuck what you feel.

I am the nice guy at work, the one who always does a good job, and you always notice, but never really talk to. You see me around town a lot; at shops and fares, though we never talk because either you're like the rest and have a crush on me, or you can't remember my way too common name. Perhaps you've met me before, in out working environment, but not more than a day, and we never talked during that time. 

To my acquaintances, I am the guy who everyone talks to, which means my lips are sealed to all of the annoying T.M.I. confabs and unwanted gossip I know enough of to tank you like a submarine. Aside, I'll always go to lunch with you, or take the time to listen, because I have a big enough heart to adopt the two shelter dogs who I always show pictures of every chance. Honestly, though, you ask me for relationship advice, when you know I demand to stay single, and have no idea what to say, despite the fact it somehow helps you. My past is dodgy, my parents estranges, my religion only of the insecure. 

Music, life, love and passions all revolve around the creative, goth introvert side, and I can also cook, too, when I do have you over in small groups because I don't handle crowds too well. Every band you've never heard of is my release, my escape, because I'm asexual and don't give a care in the world about sex. Forgive me for not talking a lot but making eye contact too much; I'm just trying to read you like a book, so I can help revise you to be a best seller. 

Don't forget, I'm also the guy who does know heartbreak... I just keep it a secret, like everything else that's ever hurt me. All of my life lessons, pains, and issues are contained in a little bottle deep inside of me, along with one outside, that you saw once but I hid, and you read when I went to the bathroom.

Lithium.

You searched it online and found that my darkest secret is that I can't control my mind, or mood swings, and that the reason I don't talk much, or have huge, constantly watery eyes, is because I'm sad all the time. 

After that, you can't look at me the same way again.

And you never will, especially when we have a talk about it, and I tell you that through all your life and the rest of our friends - from your wedding, the divorce, that funeral we went to, the parks, the lunches, to dinner parties, the night we got drunk by accident - I'd tried suicide six times and nearly died twice because I have no idea whether or not I'm sane anymore, even though you know I'm completely normal to you. 

This is me.

I am strong. I am brave. 

And I am (not?) afraid. 

Who am I, really?

Maybe the question, the one that cuts to the core is "what am I, really?"

Perhaps a verb rather than a noun. Or not. I'm calling it as a work in progress.

See, I've never been able to locate myself through assignments like occupation, interests, behavior, neurosis', relationships, personalty, beliefs, appearance, possessions or even experience.

These are merely manifestations bought into being by the actual idea being sought.

But me? Nah.......

They gave me a name though. That was handy. A way to identify this body from other bodies. Normally though, a lot of my attention goes into ignoring that name. I've found that, most of the time, when people use that word they want you to do stuff for them, that you don't actually want to do.

So I'm inherently lazy........ but even that is not me. But maybe a clue. A point of non identification. Or apathy.

If not that, then what?

This is where I've found (me) fleetingly yet profoundly......

At the apex of joy, in the depths of loss, the throes of communication, the absence of mind, at the heart of all things and at the point of love.

Even that though .......is just an intuitive feeling punctuated by resonance.

Yeah, I know...... an esoteric can of worms but hey.......what has rational explanation and self identification ever done for you? Apart from helping to break your mind when the machinery collapses. In itself, not a bad thing, just a thing.

So I guess, long answer short......I dunno. Do you?

Who are you really?

A question I myself ask a thousand times before. 

Silly isn't it I don't really know who am I.

Here are facts I know about myself

I am one of the billion people here on earth.

I am an only child who is used in discipline in many ways. 

I am a disciplined child and turned to be a disciplinarian as well.

I am a teacher.

I show my love to my students on the way I discipline them.

Music is my frustration

It was once my dream to be a music teacher. 

It ended as a dream.

Everyone has different sides. 

Like a coin that has two sides, perhaps I am a hundred different coins with different sides. 

I act according to who should I be.

A teacher, loving, understanding, strict, but disciplinarian at all times.

I am a daughter

I submit to my parents like I was taught, I honor them, for I want to have a long life.

I am a Youth leader

I always have the ear to listen to my member's problem, a mouth that gives encouragement and a heart tuned to God so I could give the right advise to my members. A heart that always ready to pray, arms that are always available to hug the lowly and lonely, a shoulder to cry on.

I am a friend 

Ready to support you in all decisions unless it will harm you. 

I am a true friend I don't support decisions that I know isn't good for you. I am not a permissive friend. Instead on supporting your crazy idea, I would direct you to the right one. 

I am a true person, I am what or who I am. If you think I can't jive with you, there is nothing wrong with me, perhaps it is because what you want is not what I want. I don't do the things I don't want just to please anyone. I am my own person, I have my beliefs and wants. Just because everyone wants a things and I don't it doesn't mean I am bad, or ill-mannered, it is just because we are different from each other I respect you, I expect the same respect from you.

We have different religion. I respect that, so please don't mock me because I am different than you. I have suffered already because of it, don't rub it on my face. I have different type of worship don't mock me, I never mocked you. 

I'm not perfect

Nobody is 

That's why God sent His Only Son so He could save me from the pit 

I am a pottery full of ugly cracks.  

A kintsukuroi proud of my brokenness 

My scars and ugliness, they were repaired by my Lord Jesus 

It may appear ugly to you 

But to Him I am perfect and that is enough that what matters most. 

I am a broken potter but I am a princess daughter of THE KING OF kings.

KEEEEe

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Skerrrrr'I am Your Father.' SKERRR

(EPIC EPIPHANY MUSIC)

Shwooooooom

LIGHTSABERNOISE

Who was I then?

I was a typical

Loud mouth teen

I fought hypocritical

And caused many scenes

I was dark and miserable

Those clothes were the thing

Feelings were all physical

In love at eighteen

Who am I now?

I'm still wild inside

But I've grown up a bit

I'm hard work applied

With two beautiful kids

I'm a grown up implied

But that's about it

Life's a crazy ride

When you're barely twenty-six

Who will I be?

I'll still be a dreamer

With my head in the clouds

And though I'll be a senior

I'll still be able to get down

And when I face the reaper

I'll have done him proud

Because I'll still be a believer

All the way into the ground

Where will I Go?

I will hitch a ride on the breeze

Blow freely across the sky

You will smell me in the leaves

As the seasons pass on by

My heart will beat the seas

Pulsing waves and ocean sighs

I will spend days with the bees

And I'll sleep with butterflies

Life is like a journey on the way to nowhere

And I'm in no big hurry to get anywhere