I watched your eyes—for any sign.

I watched your hands, legs, your movements—for any sign.

I watched—expecting a move forward; I'm drowning, and I'm waiting for you to make a move to save me.

Yet, you stood there; your eyes were blind or maybe they didn't see me. Didn't want to see me.

And the water continue to overwhelm me, choking me as it grabbed into its depths.

Let me tell you what's worse than drowning—it's when someone could save you but chose not to.

We are always watching, always waiting for someone to save us,

It's what my every move was for—the cries, the scream, the pleads—

For you to realize I needed you.

But you didn't. Or you didn't want to.

So I had to learn to swim,

Learn to float above this water,

Learn to survive in this mess I'm in.

I don't know what to feel about you,

Except to know that from the very start,

I never needed you,

And it was a feeling of freedom tinged with sadness,

For I would never know what it was like

To be saved by love and care.

And I would never know what it is like

To be responded to when I ask for help.

It isn’t necessarily such an audacious thing to imagine an atrociously long sentence; the odd pairing of tediousness and inexplicit audacity are such a harmonious match and can create things like this curiously long sentence which is as similarly inclined to mischief as the melody of clangs and clatters in a sturdy children filled country house covered in a thick blanket of snow.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry i couldn't be good enough for you.

i'm sorry i hurt you, on purpose or not.

i'm sorry for everything that i ever said to you.

i don't deserve you,

and you don't deserve to have to deal with me.

i'm sorry for the suffering i caused.

i'm sorry for the times i made you stay.

i'm sorry for the times i cried to you,

wondering if you even cared

now i know you don't.

i'm sorry that i took a part of your life,

i'm sorry that you cannot get it back.

you see, these things don't come with gift reciepts

or i surely would have been returned by now.

i'm sorry that i wasted all your time.

i'm sorry that i tried to make you laugh.

i'm sorry for all the times i tried to be good enough for you,

knowing full well i could never measure up.

i'm sorry for what i said today.

i'm sorry that you know it all was true.

i'm sorry you feel the need to protect me

by hiding your true feelings, but i can handle it.

i'm sorry that you don't trust me with your life.

i'm sorry that i trust you with mine.

i'm sorry that i would take a bullet for you,

even if you wouldn't bat an eye.

i'm sorry that i spilled my guts to you,

i'm sorry that i took all of yourself.

i'm sorry that i made you into me,

because i am not the person you need to be.

so i'm sorry that i've ruined your whole life,

i'm sorry that i've caused you so much pain.

i'm sorry that you have to deal with me,

but i'm not sorry that you won't have to again.

The thing you should know about me is that my smile is genuine. I don’t smile when there are tears welling up in the back of my eyes, or when I’m sad or mad; these kinds of emotions I feel. My smile is not forced or contrived. If you see me smiling, know that it’s because I truly mean to show pleasure on my face.

My exterior is a mirror for my soul.