Her heart was Heavy as she gazed into the starry Sky,

Longing to hear the Warm Voice of her lost love.

Wandering back into the lonely house,

Evelyn cried aloud, “Together forever was not enough!”

Daniel had passed much too Young.

He was Caught in the in-between,

Wishing he could give her the Gift of Knowing

He would always be there; she need not be Afraid.

Her sparkling Laugh gone,

He yearned to give her sunshine

To replace the thick night.

As she packed boxes, moving from

The life they would Build together.

Evelyn embraced a Clown fish,

A Prize Daniel had won at the fair,

They had smiled, kissed, and then said, “Cheese,”

In the photo booth-- four tiny, precious photos their reward.

Next, they rode a trusty steed--a carousel Horse.

A slight smile tugged at her mouth as she remembered

That day of shopping in the village.

At dinner, he asked her to hold a piece of string,

As she did, a diamond ring slid like Butter

down the string as Daniel proposed.

As she smiled tearily at the memory,

She thought she could hear Daniel's voice

proclaiming his love to her one final time.

Four deaths in five years, that broke me.

Never dealing with death until twenty-six, i thought I was lucky.

From suicide, to addiction, a sickness, followed by an unexpected o.d.

I wish my father in law knew how much we loved him, his loss dropped my husband to his knees.

I know my best friend loved me more than heroin, but it drowned her in it’s forever sea.

My Gram was my world, she loved me & showered me with belief, i would have given my lungs to help her breathe.

My mom passing took all of me, she wasn’t a junkie but the dr gave too many prescriptions that took her eternally.

I’m left without the most important people, daily my eyes are teary.

My son has that sparkle in his eye like my father-in-law had unknowingly.

After a day full of drama, I can’t call my best friend, those wretched drugs stole her away.

I know my Gram watches over me, but I need her here to help clear my mind‘s disarray.

Loosing my Mom shattered my daughters heart, it’s not hard to see those blue eyes filled with dismay

Please God or whoever you are, take it easy on us, we’re all trying to grieve in this family.

Each day I act strong since I’m the Mother, I can’t show my children that my heart beats with agony.

I try to be a good person in this life, are these losses punishment for who I was in my past life, is that the reason for these daggers within me?

I break myself.

I've lived lifetimes, grown to love people and places and finally I've found a purpose... but then the light dims and the pages won't let me in, and I'm alone again.

I kill my darlings in an unceasing search for perfection, all the while knowing that perfection is in itself an imperfect construction born of capitalism and clockwork machinery. I beat my brain bloody over the things I don't want to do, stop myself from doing what I dream of, because if I'm not being productive then I'm worth nothing but... if I'm not happy now, when will I get to start?

I break myself to fit in, to stand out, to cram myself into molds that were never built to accommodate the human body and to tear them open when they don't feel right. I pick through the shards of myself as my hands start to bleed. I'm looking for something, anything, but all I can find are pieces of my own distorted reflection.

Maybe we're all just three-dimensional mosaics, shattered pieces hanging suspended and glittering in the void. Maybe we fit together, not edge-to-scraping-edge but with a small abyss between us. Are we even built to swirl slowly in constellations, gleaming in the light of our neighbors, outermost layers of raw edges glinting protectively? Is this the only way to survive the collisions, the abrupt transition between self-absorption and outright war? Is this even living?

I am recursive destruction, looping back onto myself. I break myself so I don't break others.

What would happen if I just... let go?

Instead,

I break myself.

i unclasped my head like a purse and tipped it out onto my lap. i sifted through all the dark things that i've grown weary of. i picked out the pretty, shiny things. i even found that after some rubbing, the dark rusty things could also be pretty and shiny.

i made a little pile next to me of the reasons that this year i'm excited for summer. i had to scrub quite hard at these ones, but when they sparkled, i was almost blinded.

i picked through all the films i'm going to be able to watch with my mum now that she's home.

i inspected stretching in the morning when i wake up and put it with the rest of my growing mountain.

i grabbed for two more and polished some rust off them.

i can walk around in the rain and i can scratch under my cat's chin.

it's easier to clean off the dirt and rust now. that's what i'm most grateful for.

Heaven lies above the buildings which stab at it with pointy and crass corners

Even here from the ground we grasp for knowledge which remains unattainable

Death merely a footfall away yet loneliness is what we battle with weapons raised

If peace were a more realistic option maybe it would be one we'd choose

Depth is what we fail to explore and so peace pushes farther past our reach

Illude to safety with long sentences and labyrinthine words

Time runs short for those who ramble

How many more times...

I'd rather stop the fight.

Force my hands to still and

Raise my gaze to life.

Indomie dishes,

Endless starry nights.

Names of colours and

Drier eyes

i. reduced to a singularity of twitching anxiety,

i stood on those risers and projected the confidence i knew i lacked.

hands shaking, heart beating faster, faster, f a s t e r

everyone around me moving, talking, singing

too many voices in my mind that won't shut up.

ii. hidden beneath layers of individuality,

i don't stand out, a one in a sea of hundreds

maybe if they don't notice me, they won't notice when i leave.

iii. eyes, locked on mine, almost as intently as my own,

would be off-putting if it weren't so home.

without fear in your eyes, the future of uncertainty

but now all the anxiety is gone, pouf.

iv. you will never know the impact your unflinching gaze had on me.

Throw away the shame of middle-class poverty and hand-me-downs. Your intelligence has silenced rooms full of people more often than anyone ever noticed your clothes. You are a power, a presence that lightens a load or bears a burden with the graces of queens and spirits of angels. You are free and beautiful exactly as you are. Turn away from those who dislike you. Someone else will recognize your infinite value.

We Fought constantly

As mother and Daughter will.

It was my Fault. Period.

Our Lives upended

The fallout? Worse than one would Expect.

I should have taken Action sooner,

After the Bruise, hidden with sunglasses

Or blacking out when he hit me

With the Paint can,

Rendering me unconscious.

I could no longer trudge the Island Jungle,

Fly blindly through the devil’s Triangle,

Navigate the dark Tunnel,

Knowing that my Number could soon be up

And he would turn his anger on my daughter, my Jewel.

I finally did what I Ought to have done years ago.

I testified. I was free!

My daughter, a daddy’s girl

Protected from my Equation of terror,

Hated me for taking her from her papa

To a far Western town,

Breathing in the Delicious fresh air; a new start.

One day our relationship will be good again.

I am Healthy

And I know that I did the right thing,

My daughter will one day understand

And know how to build a healthy relationship.

For now, I will take her rage,

Her tears and silent treatment

Because I know one day

My daughter will forgive me

And be my jewel once again.