For Zeppelin

Maybe you never really know what you're capable of… until you're in it. Until the moment consumes all reason, and it's you alone with the psychopath.

Mine hid well from conscious desire, behind daydreams of kissing and the curl of each wave.

I was typical, average, with nothing peculiar that would throw doubt my way.

Then she came into our lives, and ripped away all camouflage that concealed my deepest rage.

Zeppelin was eight.

Everyone says that their dog is the best and to a point they are right, dogs are the shit, and if you don't have one, well…your heart could be fuller that's all I'm saying.

But anyway Zeppelin,

My Zeppelin with his big brown eyes and angelic personality, he could crack a smile on

even the most melancholy of souls.

He was hit in the head, at night, and slowly

painfully, left his body just as the sun rose over the desert hills to the east.

We were on vacation in Hawaii, making our way home when she called us.

Literally, as the plane began making its way out of the gate, she called us.

She, an estranged distant cousin, who reached out to my mother some months after my sister and I moved out.

My mother, a giver, with a huge heart despite her better judgement, allowed for this cousin to come and stay, help out with rent, and look after our babies if we were gone.

Her words were a hysteric mix of blubbering mumbles and pleading sobs, then a tap on my mother's shoulder, "Ma'am please hang up and put your portable device in airplane mode."

Seven hours of travel until we finally reached our driveway. 

Her eyes were wild, she was neurotic and twitchy. I stared at the blood stained cement in our backyard, I accounted the blood spatter on the adjacent walls. A dark feeling awoke within me, one absent to reason and careless of consequence.

She tried to hold us , she tried to embrace the family that allowed her a foot hold into their lives.

I couldn't cry here. My mind had been racing for hours…. "You heard nothing?  Where was Deanie?! (our other Golden) There was no barking at all?!" 

Every question knife to throat, with every one replied, "It's going to be okay.” 

Nothing made sense. I could feel my blood boiling underneath my skin; I wanted to scream or rip my face off, die, something! Anything to warn off the pain and thoughts of him bleeding to death alone. 

Then suddenly it was quiet.

The truth so obvious I would throw my life away for it. I looked her crater surfaced face dead on with an unquivering know. Promising her in silence, that I saw her, and no matter how long I'd have to wait, he would be avenged.  

There aren't many basements in California, too hazardous for earthquakes, you see. 

Years ago, my grandpa built one anyway, unsanctioned, under their home that has long since been empty.

No one has seen my cousin in years, and I don't suspect they ever will. 

I love you forever sweet

Zeppelin & Deanie