Review of “The Forest” (2016) Spoilers and Vulgar Language

Okay so it is hard to know where to begin with this film, so I am just going to start typing and see where it goes. First off this movie does not rank on the worst horror films that I have ever seen, but don't take that to heart. Because as a horror fanatic, I have definitely seen a good share of god awful pieces of crap in my day. Like seriously. Give me the film cannister. I'll take a nice warm shit in it, and you can release that in theaters. It will probably get better reviews.

I like the idea of this movie. It focuses around a wooded area called the Aokigahara Forest in Japan, otherwise known as "The Suicide Forest". This is a supposedly very haunted place, where people go to commit suicide. What makes this so intriguing is that the Aokigahara Forest is an ACTUAL place in Japan, and yes, it is infamous for being a place where people go to turn themselves into worm food. It is considered such an evil place that locals refuse to go there at night. If you walk through you are sure to encounter a number of corpses, as the only real means of clean-up is an annual sweep of the area (the last report publicised in 2003, turned up 105 bodies). The forest has an extensive history before being known as The Suicide Forest, but let's get back to the movie.

So in this film, Sara Price (played by a still very fuckable Natalie Dormer) is having some wacky dreams that involve things jumping at her. She has a twin sister who has wandered into The Suicide Forest in Japan and has disappeared. She decides to go to Japan (you know, because that seems like the best idea) to try and find her sister (played by… Natalie Dormer). She keeps having scary dreams about things jumping at her, and eventually meets someone who will wind up being her guide, Aiden (played by Taylor Kinney). The two start bonding over beers and during this interaction we run into one of the worst foreshadowing moments I have ever encountered.

While discussing her family history, Aiden asks Sara how her parents died. She tells a tragic story of a drunk driver plowing into them and making them road pizza outside of the family home, while we are treated to a montage flashback of the incident.

Sara’s recollection: We heard a loud crash outside. My grandmother went down first. My sister was ahead of me, and she saw it first. She said they were just laying on the lawn. I had my eyes closed.

What we see: First, we see the three (granny, twins) sitting on the couch and we hear a loud… two gunshots? Okay, thought it was supposed to be a crash, but oh well. Anyways, the granny goes down the stairs and as she turns the corner, see the mom laying dead on what appears to be… a basement floor? I thought they were supposed to be on the lawn, but oh well.

Okay okay, before all of you who have seen the movie jump down my throat because it is revealed later on that her parents actually did die in a murder/suicide. But there is a reason that I have a problem with this scene and I will get to that when I get to that point in the movie. Right now I am just giving a timeline.

So it is pretty obvious that Aiden really wants to fuck Sara by the way he looks at her, and I can’t say I blame him. Anyways, Sara has yet another nightmare about something jumping at her and when she wakes up she is introduced to a local who will be a guide in the woods with them. I would name his character and the actor who plays him here, but he seems to be mysteriously absent from the film’s IMDB page. I may be wrong on that, but I don’t really feel like putting any more effort into finding it.

The guide goes with them into the woods, all the while making ominous creepy statements about ghost and shit. They start looking for Sara’s sister, and before long they stumble across her empty tent. The guide says that they need to get going because it is getting dark, but Sara insists that she is staying to wait for her sister to come back, and Aiden says he will stay too, because… you know… he wants to fuck her.

Sometime during the night, Sara wakes up and Aiden isn’t there, so she naturally freaks out and goes looking for him and she is jumped by a young schoolgirl named something Japanese. Guess what happens a few moments later? That’s right! Sara wakes up.

So then Sara is talking to Aiden, and it turns out that he knows Jess (the sister) somehow, because he has a picture of her blatantly displayed on her phone. I didn’t trust that guy to begin with… I knew he didn’t love Sara.

Now, at this point I have to be honest. This movie had bored me to the point that I left to go watch porn and rub one out… eh hem… I mean I left to make a snack in the kitchen and eat it. When I came back some time had passed because I couldn’t pause the movie, but if you want a fun game to play, you can watch the movie and that will tell you how fast I can finish!

So when I came back, Sara is underground in some sort of pit. Things are jumping at her again,and eventually she wards them off with her willpower and finds a haunted viewfinder in the dirt, which dramatically shows her the truth about what happened to her parents.

STOP!!!!

Here we are. The point where I give my first opinion on why this movie actually sucks. The reason that shows that despite having an incredibly cool concept to work with, writers (you know what? I would rather not name the THREE of them), have no idea how to write a horror story…

… This moment is supposed to be a reveal. This is supposed to be a “holy fuck” moment for us. But it isn’t, and you know why? BECAUSE THEY ALREADY FUCKING SHOWED US THIS IN THE FIRST FUCKING ACT!!!!

Sure, it IS a “holy fuck” moment for the character. But you know why that doesn’t matter?

BECAUSE SHE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IN A MOVIE AND YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE, NOT THE FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS IN YOUR STUPID MOVIE!!!!

This is as bad as assuming I am drunk (which I usually am). You are actually staring me in the face, and saying “you are too stupid to remember what you saw less than an hour ago, so this will be epic”. Well, Nick, Sarah, and Ben (oh hey look, I did name them), if I ever see you, I am going to BITCH SLAP each one of you until YOU can’t remember what happened five minutes ago!

But to make up for that, there is even something that jumps at her in the viewfinder (give me a fucking break already).

After this point I really can’t say much about this movie. It’s the same shit over and over again, Aiden turns out to be the one who held jess captive, Sara goes to save her, she goes to escape, and it turns out that Jess is the one escaping, and everything that Sara has been experiencing in the woods as she dies from self-inflicted wounds is essentially… get this… a dream.

::Deep breath::

::Another deep breath::

So, that is “The Forest” in a nutshell, minus the time I spent “having a snack” out of the room. I will be a happy star, and start out with the positives about this movie…

The acting is good. I imagine these people were given a script, and said,”okay, this seems easy enough”. The film is shot beautifully, with great lighting, great shot composition and transition, and everything is in focus.

I LOVE the concept, because it is based around a real location, with a real history, with a real taboo. That just makes it interesting as hell, what a great concept!

But the film is just executed poorly, with modern day shitty horror movies in mind. And if you are familiar with my reviews, you know that this is something I have a problem with. Let’s talk for a minute about “jump scares”.

“Jump scares” are moments in a movie when something jumps out at you and startles you, and you say “holy fuck, fuck you, I hate you”, or something along those lines. They are meant to jolt you and make your hair stand up for a moment. And they are definitely effective in the moment.

This movie is jam-packed full of them. In fact, I think jump scares are responsible for about 99 percent of this movie even being called a horror movie. Every time something is supposed to be frightening, it is due to something quickly lunging at the camera while a loud screech deafens your ears.

But here is the thing about jump scares… they wear over time. The fright fades. After a few times, it’s not even scary, it’s comical. The first time I watched this film, yes, I jumped, I got chills… the next time I may jump at the ones I don’t remember…. The third time I’ll probably fall asleep. And that is NOT what horror is!

Horror is the terrifying idea of the film, and when you overlap that with a dump truck of jump scares, you completely ruin any sort of scary aspect you are trying to convey. The next time I watch “The Forest”, the most memorable part will be when I go in the other room and masturbate out of boredom.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the final shot is a jump scare, which just makes the whole thing even more… masturbation provoking (ridiculous)? Maybe this film should be considered a porno instead.

Ever since I saw, say “The Shining” I have thought about that movie every day of my life. Because it wasn’t just a bunch of shit thrown into my face at random moments, it was an intricate story of a house taking over a man, that man losing his mind and trying to murder his family. THAT is scary, and THAT is horror. It isn’t just a bunch of flashy scenes and loud noises to freak me out the first time around.

Conclusion: You know that little drop of pee that gets on your underwear after you take a piss? That scares me more than “The Forest” ever will. I am convinced that real horror is lost in Hollywood, and they should make a new genre called “a bunch of jump scares for pussies”.