sometimes the tears stream down my face like rain. my vision blurs and its like im wading into an ocean with deep caverns and unbearable currents in the dark. i lose my footing and the water is all around me. deafening. no sight. no sound. no sense of touch. im lost. and when i finally find my way back to the surface – gasp. i catch my breath just in time to be hit by another wave. and im down again. its an ongoing cycle and thats what its like when i lose myself in my own thoughts. the tears keep coming to the point where i feel like im shriveling up. losing water too quickly. dying. its like im stuck in a storm with no shelter. i think of you and in some way i feel like if i just keep going, keep pushing, keep fighting, ill find you. youll be there waiting for me, fire lit, blanket in hand, with hot chocolate on the stove and cookies in the oven. but then i remember youre gone. and that house im going to, if it exists, is empty. the fire has burned out, hot chocolate turned to milk, cookies cremated. so i stop. stop going, stop pushing, stop fighting. and i give in to the rain and the current that wants so desperately to drown. i give in to that deafening sound of the waves and the water to silence the thoughts in my head. the voices screaming stop. give up. cut. drown. leave. because why fight when youre gone? why breath when you took your last breath almost a year ago? why? so i let the water surround me, pull me deeper, further, farther, until the surface and the shore are no where within sight, within reach, within hope. and i cant tell if the water on my face is sea or tears. but despite all this, i finally get to see you, and thats all i really ever wanted.