Give a Little More

"Let me know if you need anything." "How are you feeling?" "You're pretty much my favorite person in the whole world." "Hey, this is for you." "You okay?" "I just want to help people."

That's all me. I'm the dork that buys way too many gifts for everyone at Christmas and then gives the last of my cash to the bell ringer outside. I'm the community service maven. I'm the sucker for the donation jar. I'm the always there friend.

I'm not bragging, God, I'm not. I wish I knew how to take without feeling neurotic or selfish or Hellbound. That's probably never going to happen, and the opposite is probably worse, so I can be content in how I am. But I've got a secret wish, while I feel too much and care too much about everything and everyone else. My quiet little plea that I've never actually said out loud - I'd like to get as much as I give, just once.

I want to light up someone's world. I want someone to feel nervous and queasy when I'm not okay. I want someone to see something or have an idea and think of me immediately. I want someone to rush to their phone when they hear I've texted. I hate wanting all these things, it's so selfish, I shouldn't want it - I definitely shouldn't feel like I need it - but there it is anyway. 

I'm so tired of giving everything and watching people walk away and leave me out of their little bubble worlds. I have so many pieces of me that I've given that revolve around something other than myself. I'd just like a piece of someone to come and sometimes be part of my orbit, too.