What the family brought to the table

Everyone seemed to gather around the table: Terry and the twins from Michigan, Uncle Gary, who lost his testicles in "unforeseen circumstances", Aunt Marge, who was not related to anyone at all, but came anyway. (She was living across Shaun in Springfield, and no one protested to her presence, because she always brought brownies. Brownies.) Regardless of leaving Terry 3 years ago, Janice came, bringing his boyfriend, Zeke, who was a yoga life coach, of course.

"I can't believe how you still don't know I'm lactose intolerant, Sheryl." Janice kicked off the conversation.

"Lactose may affect her diet, Sheryl." Zeke added. Sheryl, who was bringing the food to the table regretted having married her husband and getting to know his side of the family. She only said, "Unfortunately we're out of sympathy. And lactose-free sympathy, too."

The gasping Janice was interrupted by the high-pitch voice of Uncle Gary.

"Have I told you how I lost my virginity?!" he squeaked. "No one gives a damn about how you lost your virginity, Uncle Gary, because you already told us while ruining Sammy's 8th birthday party!" said Janice. "Well if you don't wanna hear..." and he started his own monolog. "Well, those kids did not want to hear!" Janice replied. "It's okay darling. Remember, it's anger, that keeps you from unlocking your full potential." Zeke said, trying to calm her, and basically upsetting everyone else by just opening his mouth. Terry contained his pity and anger up until now. "Are you really gonna marry this dumbass, Janice?"

"Ooh, you said a swear! Mommy, you were right!" exclaimed Amanda, Sheryl's daughter.

"Turkeeey!" Sheryl shouted, managing to avoid confrontation with Terry, and moved Amanda to the other end of the table, because Uncle Gary started to have a one-on-one discussion with her about his missing testicles. Regardless, he turned to Aunt Marge and continued. "And, you see, when I started to push the cart, I did not notice my fly was open..."

After a few minutes, Aunt Marge said she had to leave because her sister just got ill. (She apologized and left, and later never appeared on any family occasion.)

"I thought her sister died years ago..." said Shaun. "Your body may die, but your soul depends on your lifestyle. Isn't that right honey?" Zeke commented while hugging Janice and doing who knows what under the table, because she dropped her fork. "Is this real? Where the hell can you find such an idiot, Janice?" Terry put down his fork but kept his knife in his hand. "Shut up, Terry, he has a respectable job. And, Sheryl, mind if I ask you where the flavor is in this gravy?"

"That's actually ketchup." Sheryl said. "And Sammy darling will you stop following the tips of Uncle Gary on how to play with the cranberry sauce? It is not only disturbing but I'm sure he has no idea how old you are."

(to be continued)