The Will to Drive Myself Sleepless

The sky is gone or at least retreated to a deepest blue that's almost the color of midnight yet nowhere near it.

I faded off reading ol Jack. Fell deep in sleep like the sky into night. Woke myself up screaming. This shit again. I hate it. I'm never sure if I just dreamed I was screaming or if it came out for real. Most likely both. It's been my experience that if I was screaming in my dreams on the inside it was coming out for real on the outside. Leaving me exposed for the true psychopath I am that can't even sleep right at night or nap even. Makes me wanta wander off in the woods each night like a "nobody knows where he sleeps.. he just goes.." kinda character.

It's embarrassing. Like just now I was wailing for my mom or my dad who in my dream where in the next room watching television. I was telling my mom about Big Sur in a conversation through the wall knowing full well either of my folks couldn't hear me in that way at all yet were probably still nodding their heads politely out of sight in the other room anyway. I was feeding their dog, the one they don't have and won't have in reality... my mother swore off dogs after my childhood dog had to be put down... then again when she fell for my dog a decade later & she died over another decade after.. so no dogs in my folks house except this imaginary one I just dreamt up and was feeding when I went to toss the torn piece from the food bag away.. that's where my dream went to hell. I opened the trash can lid to throw it in and before I could let it go even a giant black snake grabbed hold of my hand... paralyzed me instantly and weakened me to the point of taking all my energy to try to cry for help over the volume of the television in the next room... I started to give up though... I don't want either of my folks to have fall victim to this bastard snake that had already gotten me. I was a goner & done for so I figure if I died maybe it'd just move on leaving my folks alone... that was my last scream before I jarred myself awake like being hit with a brick to the forehead. Awakened into what's gotta be an Alzheimer-esque state or at least that's what I imagine it to be... constant heavy moments of not being sure anything is real at all. A mind trying to turn over like a cold flooded car engine in winter... wrrrnnn wrrnnnn wrrnnn & nothing then repeat over and over to no avail. It's agony on top of confusion for having just lost my mind piled on the embarrassing realization that I was screaming for my mom & dad in house full of people and I'm not sure if they heard or I'm gonna get some strange looks... looks that look like "hey psychopath who can't even sleep like anything but a weirdo" and say "we heard you but aren't gonna acknowledge it so you don't come kill us in our sleep too".