If you do not go before me

When confronted with death

there is an awe of stillness

A stark truth that hits at a level

of pure forgiveness and a form of denial

The process is based in our root nature

To know death intimately

It defies logic or rational

It remains true to form for all

It is palpable and raw yet shows no mercy

To the observer left behind

16 decapitated in a car accident

32 head on collision

23 overdose

27 cancer

25 suicide gunshot to the head

42 shot in a gang fight

56 burned to death

38 burned to death

48 suicide

28 hit by a train

23 acid thrown in her face

found in a ditch, murdered

I can go on for another hour

I'm not trying to scare you

These were my friends

Then there are the ones I don't know

Kid on motorcycle 20 something died in my arms

"What kind of non medical professional

deals with death like this on a monthly basis?"

Has the Lord just picked me at random like Job

These ghosts know me and I know them

All I have to say is that I'm sick of death

Dying of old age is one thing

But if I have to go to one more funeral

Of a young wonderful human being

I just might honestly barf up a church wafer

I can not watch another casket

Lowered into the ground

My world is encrusted with it

The rank smell of death

Everyone has their exposure but mine has been

more riddled with it than anyone I know

my wardrobe has warped to mainly black

My skin turns to white ice

when the phone rings

I am probably the only person alive who

Is relieved to see that it is a telemarketer

Or a business call

Last month I lost three that were very close to me

On the horizon two more

I have started to react in strange ways

My house is immaculately clean

My OCD has taken a decisive turn for the worst

Every thing in its right place on repeat

Songs on shuffle fate and knees deep in questions

Books, art, writing, ancient healing medicine

four hour long philosophical talks

with those from my small tribe

Knowing not to tip the scale of respect

Honor beyond measure for souls that are free

somehow this order brings me comfort

Trouble is I can go months into my own head

Which I know now to be a negative coping skill

The joy of repetition is sometimes insatiable

Granted, when moths pass with no bad news

I am free as the wind (yes, I meant moths)

Smiling and running full speed into the world with no fear of failure and guts of steel

Shakespeare said "and death once dead, there's no dying then." I have repeated this in my head my entire life. It doesn't stop the heartstrings from breaking into a dark mess of fiberglass strings nonetheless

Poetry and beauty are my only escape and the only comfort I covet as I melt into nothingness

stay hidden behind solid doors that have been locked and bolted against the world outside

unlock the door just to lock it twice more

Nine times, or sometimes three.

I had a friend that used to pull me out of my snail

shell, maybe because he was more fucked up than

me, but he's gone and I'm happy for him and I hope he has or will find all the joy in the world.

I know I will pull out of this

I have tools

Procedures of varying breaths

In the nose out of the mouth

I dare not look back

I live in the now

It is all that i have

I breathe now

My choices are now

Hidden behind books and walls

Looking over my shoulder to escape the asp

or that asshole at the store that looks at me and says,

"Smile beautiful, it can't be that bad!"

Really?

"How the fuck would you know, stranger?"

One of these days I'm going to spit in the eye

of a person that tells me that and say,

"smile you cocky piece of shit for brains."

Ominous yes but this is an ominous world

I have no fear of my own death,

only pain of losing more loved ones.

-my life in a nutshell-

"This too shall pass."

I am not depressed just heartbroken

At the multitude of loss for which I have to withstand

(like a ptsd vet stuck on the street corner

with his three legged canine and a blank

look in his eye)

There are more on the near horizon

Soon to be devoured by locust

Or carried up to the black nothing

We do go on

We love deeply

On this earth

I am sure that is why I prefer silence

I am sure that is why I push people away

No need to add to the list of casualties

If the people in my life could understand

(Some do) how much I deeply love and respect them I don't think there would be this great divide

If I erase new friendships or love from a distance

some take offense at my departure

I wish this were not the case

I will write many books on science and theology

Of my travels and tragedies

Of the good times and bad

Of falling in love with people for many reasons

if I say I love you, I do.

Maybe just not the way most view love

I peek into base spirits that are always unique

I admire people who have the guts or willpower to live large and maybe one day I will as well

The truth is I am drawn in and repulsed by love

Within the same fraction of time

Being alone is the only way I know how to survive

To not injure another for sake of kindness

Not pride

Perfectly at peace with my crazy aesthetic mind

Overwhelmed with the simplest forms of connection

Numb at times to laughter

desensitized by bullshit

simple and open to all forms of truth

the complexity of it all overwhelming

the beauty of life unmistakably serene

a multiverse of technicolored souls

dipping and dodging the final curtain

so I beg you please

be kind and love one another

without fear

follow your dreams and be thankful

for some of us are unable

to climb the mountain

with our black flags

Punk show "have some fucking fun, move up!!"

Strangled by suburbia

sorrow pure

unconditional love

our only true guide

to endure the end.