My sun

The sun doesn’t bother me. Not anymore. I’m on the inside for as long as I need be. That’s what He said anyway. It’s my fault I’m in here after all. Because I drew Him to me. Made him want me. Made him take me.  With my smell. With my hair and my breasts and my sweat. He couldn’t help himself. And I deserved it. And I can see it. The sun. Sometimes I can, yes. But mostly it’s just a shadow on the floor. My shadow. Or worse, His shadow. Because I’m not safe near the windows. And because to tilt my neck up would burn my skin, my eyes. But really it’s my insides that would burn. To know that such a thing exists! I would rather not look. And pretend that the inside is the out.  Outside is a fantasy.  A realm where I no longer exist.  Not anymore.  It's been too long.  And I have what I need after all. In this dark place. I have my own light. My own sun.  Born in darkness, he brings me light.  Blinding, beautiful light.  The only light.  That’s what He told me. Didn’t He give me the baby? And isn’t he wonderful? Of course he is. He’s not a pet. Not like me. His skin is clear. Not like me. No burns, no scars. No pain. So far. He sleeps in a bed. Not a cage. Not like me. He’s a real person. Or will be someday. Of course he will want it. The sun that is. And I can’t give it to him. But maybe someday. Someday when He’s not looking. And when I get free. If I get free. If I can ever get free. With the baby. My baby. Our baby. If He lets us. If He dies. If I kill Him. And that’s why I don’t let the sun bother me. It’s a future sun. In a future day. In a future that I don’t have. That we don’t have. Not yet anyway. But maybe my sun, our son, will meet the real sun.  Maybe he will be king of the sun!  Someday. Maybe.  Until then we live in the shade, the shadows. On the inside. Out of it’s reach. Where it’s safe. Until I can. Until it's time. For us. For both of us. To live in the sun.