Still Go Looking

I went to her house even though I already had a bad feeling. I rang the bell and knocked on the door even though I knew no one was there.

I tried the knob and was surprised to find it unlocked.

I stepped in, called her name, called her kids' names, and made noise so that anyone there would be aware of my presence. And, even though the police always say to never enter a house with an open or unlocked door in case burglars are still present, I went ahead and walked in and looked around.

Because, deep down, I knew.

No one was there. And no one would be there.

The door being unlocked had probably just been the product of being in a hurry to get out the door, worries about getting kids to their places and then being on time to work taking precedence over anything else going on that morning.

After making sure everything looked ok, I locked the door and closed it behind me. I called my husband and talked to him, telling him that no one was here and that nothing looked out of place. He said to make sure and leave a note for her, which I did after I hung up the phone.

Still worried, I drove by another friend's house, and then circled back around to her house.

The note I'd left was still on the door, untouched.

I started the drive home, my thoughts running all over the place.

Was there somewhere else I should look?

Has she already checked back in and I just didn't know about it?

Should I call her parents and see if they knew anything? (But I didn't want to worry them unnecessarily...)

As my mind kept spinning, the phone rang, so I hit the button for the Bluetooth.

It was my husband, and he confirmed what I had already feared.

There had been an accident.

My best friend of 30+ years, a person I had known and loved since the 4th grade, was at the hospital.

The morning had been foggy and drizzly, and on her way to work after dropping off her son at daycare, she had almost missed a stop sign and had hit her brakes too late. Her car had hydroplaned through the intersection and had been clipped by another vehicle. The momentum of that hit had sent her car into an electric pole.

My heart sank, and my stomach went with it.

Somehow, I had known.

It had all started that morning with a phone call. My friend worked at the same place as my husband. He had taken a vacation day, so he wasn't at work, but they had called him to ask if he knew where she was because she hadn't shown up, and hadn't called, which was not like her at all. They also wanted to let him know that they were sending people home because of a power outage.

Now we knew the reason for the power going out.

I stopped and parked at a gas station, then called her dad. I could tell that he was in shock and overwhelmed...what father wouldn't be?

They were assessing her, but they knew that she had a broken rib, internal bleeding, cut, bruises...and she had broken her back in multiple places. They weren't sure yet if they had found everything, but they were going to do an MRI and see if they could find anything else. He mentioned that they would have to do surgery for her back, but he also said that she appeared to have movement all over, so that was a relief considering the situation and what could've been. I was still worried and scared for her, but at least I knew where she was, and now I had someone who would be able to update me until I could make it to the hospital.

My friend had her back surgery, where they put rods and screws into her back, and she spent several days in the ICU. She was fortunate that the breaks had not severed her spinal cord. There have been a few complications since, but she is supposed to go to a rehab hospital sometime today, and then time will tell what happens from there. They have had some issues managing her pain, and she has a long road of recovery ahead, but she is a strong and amazing person with lots of people who love her, so I know that she will pull through. She is still here, and I'm so thankful that our time with her is not over yet.

I had a bad feeling, knew from the moment the call came, that something had happened.

But I still went looking.

Maybe it was my way of combatting my feeling of helplessness and to stem the rising feeling of foreboding.

But I think it was more than that.

When you have a bad date, or get divorced, and yes, even swear off finding a partner ever again, is that what really happens?

When you kid wants that one particular hot toy for Christmas, and you're determined to get it for her, do you only go to one store to look for it, or do you scour all the stores in the area and look online to try and find it?

Those seem like simple and diverse examples, and they are, but the common thread that runs among times like these, and the one thing that keeps us going, even if we somehow know we may not find the answer that we want or are looking for, is hope.

That seems like it might be such a small thing when the whole world is crashing down, but if that glimmer of hope still lives inside, life cannot defeat you. Even though it seems like the end may not be a good one, do not give up before you even begin. You'll be a stronger, more resilient person for it.

Always feed your hope.

Still go looking.