Ironic Colonic

I see my psychiatrist this afternoon. I get edgy and paranoid leading up to these appointments, which I think is part of the reason I'm going. My stomach starts to knot and sicken with the anxiety that one of the meds is supposed to ease? I find myself spewing shit I swore I would take to my grave, but keep supressing the violent and disturbing impulses playing out in my mind like film snippets that would disgust Rob Zombie. I wonder what the detainment processs would look like if I "shared" too much.

Keep it cool, boy.

I have cancelled much too often, for these reasons and more, but today I deserve the cess pool of shame and guilt that I will undoubtedly wade, no, dive into. Maybe I'll ask the questions; "So, how are you feeling?" "What's been going on since our last meeting?" "Have you noticed any improvement with the new meds?"

Boy?

Or maybe I'll just sit there, slouched and pouty, like a petulant child and say, "idunno" to everything. You're only as healthy as your darkest secret. I guess that would make me...well, never mind.

Keep it cool...

The stigma attached to mental health issues, problems, concerns, diagnoses, whatever - is now in flux. My dad's generation didn't have these issues; they just blew their brains out when shit got heavy, and mommy just slept all day. Now that lone gunmen prowl the streets, churches, and airports, more attention is being paid to who "knew what and when and could something have been done to stop it," as Lester Holt so frequently asks. Fuck yeah, somebody knew something - they always do. Fuck yeah, somebody could have done something to stop it - they never do.

Easy, boy...

I've always believed that vomitting the bile is a release of the poisons infecting us (me). I also believe that when someone else can help carry your (my) shit, even for just an hour, it's easier to soldier on. I will keep this appointment because the demons want to prowl. And regardless of my pompous posturing, I'm bound to spill and spew, but I'm afraid some of my secrets will remain just that ...mine.