The art of losing a person

“I love you”, I say 

“I love you more.”, he says 

       He was my best friend. My sole confidant. My cousin, Darren. 

      We were the same age, born only two weeks apart. 

      He was my brother. He was a part of me, not just because he was family, but because he had saved my life. 

    “I love you”, I say  

    “I love you more.”, he says 

    I was depressed. I felt like suicide was the only way out. He showed me that it wasn't. 

He accepted me even when i couldn't accept myself. He showed me that I was important. 

    “Im gay…” I tell him 

    “I love you” he smiles 

    I told him that his father was the reason I wanted to kill myself. I told him the truth. 

    I told him what he did to me. He didn't like the truth. He didn't like to think of his dad that way. He didn't like to believe my PTSD stemmed from his father, his hero.

    “I love you” I say

    “...Me too.” he says

      I told him about my trip to the hospital. I told him why I was put there. 

      I told him how the razors called to wrists. I told him that my parents now know what his father did to me.

     “I love you.” I say

     “Be right back” he texts 

     He was forbidden to see me then. I was alone. 

     The songs that the razors sang drew me in closer. The longer I went without him the weaker I got. 

     The black abyss of death’s promise called to me. 

 “I love you” I say

“ok” he texts back 

     I had no longer a reason to live. He was my reason to live. I no longer had him and my heart ached. 

      I was half a person. I had made my decision to go against his dad in court. I would put my terrorizer behind bars. I was doing the morally and legally correct thing. 

     “Hi.” I say 

     "darrebear.23 has blocked you on instagram "

    Did he not see how much he meant to me? Or did he simply not care whether I was dead or alive.

    I had stumbled out of a movie theater, intoxicated. I had figured that I could drown my sorrows in alcohol.  

   “IMMMM drujnk lolol, I miss you - text me back pls.” I text 

“Be safe.” he says 

      I sat up in bed one night. While tears rolled down my face, a thought occurred to me. If Darren loves me, one day he will regain contact with me.

       He had saved my life once before, but now it was time to save my own. 

       I am strong enough to carry on. I know I am. 

“I love you.” I say one last time

"Read at 3:28"