A Letter

After your heart is ripped out of your chest, the world feels black and white. Like an old depressing movie about smoking cigarettes and drinking whisky. I want to tell you something. I want to tell you how I feel. Most of all I want you to understand something.

Do you know what you've done? I do not believe you do. In some twisted way you think you singlehandedly destroy everything you touch. You don't.

Having a woman from your past yelling at me and telling you what to say, that is not the actions of a man. Not giving me a chance to understand is not the actions of a man. I never wanted to fix you. I wanted you to fix yourself. I just wanted to love you and be loved back. I believe that everyone is capable of love. Even you. Even if you don't think so yourself. But I've seen you love. You love the sea. I can see it in your eyes when they glance over the horizon. And even if you just said you loved me because you think that's what I wanted to hear, I know that you can love, and you will. Maybe you will never love me, but that is not the point here.

I wish I could look back at our time together and feel joy. I could see us together. I really could. I fell for you so fast and I didn't mean to.

I don't understand American culture. It is possessive and weird. You did not disrespect me, you messed up. If you didn't want to be with me just say so. Do not talk about not being worthy. Who is? I know I'm not. I am a cheater, a liar, I use people when I get the chance. I am not a good person. I try, but life is hard. Even for me, even though I've not lived as long as you.

I've constantly been told I'm not good enough, not beautiful enough, that I'm a waste. I am not wanted. Now I'm in a good place, or at least I hope it's going to last. I am still in love with you. At the same time I hate you. You never gave me a fair chance.

And just like that its gone. But you know what? When people give me shit, I will use it as manure and grow. You might have broken my heart, the pieces that are left of it anyway. I am afraid that this is going to make me bitter. I am afraid that I'm not going to believe in love and its awesome power. However, I'm going to try my best. I want to find my Aragorn. I thought it might be you. But like all fairytales they end.