Showers
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2) Walk to the bathroom wearing robe or large t-shirt. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas.
3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - making mental notes about working out and eating better. Criticize every little detail.
4) Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and the pumice stone.
5) Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6) Wash your hair again, just to make sure that it's really clean.
7) Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil and coconut oil. You don't really know what the coconut oil does, but everyone talks about it working miracles all over the place.
8) Wash your face with crushed apricot face scrub for 10 minutes until your skin is a nice shade of red.
9) Wash entire rest of your body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10) Rinse conditioner off of hair.
11) Shave your entire body. Twice. Damn goosebumps...
12) Turn off the shower.
13) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower and spray mold prone spots with cleaner.
14) Get out of the shower, dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
15) Check entire body for any zits or small stray hairs. Freak out.
16) Return to bedroom wearing towels.
17) If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making a "woo-woo" sound.
3) Look in the mirror, look at your man-hammer and scratch your ass.
4) Get in the shower.
5) Wash our face and armpits.
6) Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
7) Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
8) Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.
9) Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the bar of soap that smells like auto air freshener. New Car scent.
10) Shampoo your hair, make shampoo mohawk.
11) Pee. Twice.
12) Rinse off and get out of the shower.
13) Partially dry off, fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the tub the entire time.
14) Admire wiener size in the mirror.
15) Leave the shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, light and fan on.
16) Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and yell out "helicopter!!"
17) Throw wet towel on the bed.