Somewhere Over the Rainbow

by Aaron Aaronson (from the book "Welcome to Nowhereland (5 Stories)")

“Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. There’s a land that I heard of, once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the, dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...” E.Y Harburg

I woke up and yawned, for I had just slept and was therefore tired, sure, made perfect sense. Suppose it was because I wasn’t using the greatest pillow ever made that put all other pillows to shame and relegated them to the categorization status of concrete, spiked slabs by a self-important design genius who spent his entire life designing the super pillow for the Gods, a process that has led to a lucrative living in a world that certainly needed another pillow more than anything else. Sure made perfect sense. I sat upon my bed a moment then stood up and went to the front door of my abode so that I might look out upon the new day and see what it was like and thereby begin to determine what I would do with it. I opened the door of my little cabin within which I lived, just a tiny cabin, it wasn’t much, but it was home, and by saying it wasn’t much I don’t think that comment would be debatable, it was really just a 9 by 12 rickety one room abode of decaying wood. I once referred to it as a shack but the coalition of shack owners then sued me for defamation, a problem never encountered when calling it a cabin, apparently the log cabin coalition was more accepting, um, even though all its members also happened to be Republicans, sure, made perfect sense.

But, where was I, oh yes, opening the door of my little cabin to gaze out upon the day. And so that I did. I looked out and saw that the ground and trees were damp, droplets of water dripping off every now and then from some of the leaves. Apparently it had rained the night before. There was a thin fog gripping the world outside and upon it I scanned with my eyes, examining it and my thoughts, attempting to figure out what I, just a in no way spectacular man, could do to make this day a rewarding and special one that would yield the greatest rewards possible. I looked up into the sky, there were scattered clouds, the sun poking through at points. And then, out on the horizon I saw it. A rainbow, its multi colored glorious arc stretching across the sky. And it immediately dawned upon me what it was I would do this day. I would set out into the world and locate the rainbow’s end. I would aim for the stars, reach for the brass ring, and thereby find my pot of gold. I nodded my head with purpose. I was going to make this day a memorable one. It was going to be great and the bounty amassed from its fortunes would be the gift that would keep on giving for the rest of my days, painting them with its beauteous brush strokes so that every one of them would be a masterpiece that before this day I would have never imagined possible. I would find the rainbow and from this day forward life would be a wondrous dream…

So I set out to begin my quest. But before I even started I encountered a problem. The problem was that I was having a very hard time figuring out where to go to locate the rainbow’s beginning so that I might then follow its course and reach its end. I considered that maybe it would be easier if I just joined it somewhere in between and worked from there but then realized if I did so how would I then know which direction to travel? Which direction would lead to the rainbow’s end and which to its start and how could I tell which was which? I then considered the logic that technically wasn’t the rainbow’s start also an end? I mean, there may very well be another individual off far in the distance setting off into the day with the same plan but their start would be my ending and their ending my start, a rainbow’s end depending on your perspective. So where exactly should I even be heading? I decided that since the rainbow was still in the distance the logical thing to do was to just start with my earlier dismissed idea and join it at some point, first heading towards it, not concerning myself with finding either its inception point or terminus just yet and when I reached it, figure it out from there, so that was what I did, beginning my journey by merely approaching the rainbow itself.

And so I walked toward the rainbow.

Over the desert and through the woods I walked. From here to eternity I walked. A bridge too far I walked. Around the world in 80 days I walked. So help me could someone in the area kindly stop playing old crappy movies at such a high volume I walked. But still, I could not find the rainbow. I looked up into the sky and still there I could see it, but it was as if no matter how many steps I took, I never seemed to draw any closer to it and so there it always remained, this specter forever outside my grasp. But I was not to be deterred, for I could clearly see the beauteous image in my eyes and so for the pot of gold I marched ever forward. Persistence and determination would lead to my reward. Nothing that is ever good or worth having is easy to attain, but I was absolutely devoted to the quest and to having my reward. I was absolutely dedicated to bringing successful resolution to my journeys. And I was certain I eventually would, because it was something I wanted so badly how could anything possibly stop me?

And so I walked.

From the Earth to the Moon I walked, Journey to the Far Side of the Sun I walked, The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars I walked, Journey to the 7th Planet I walked.

You know, I had been walking for quite some time at this point so either someone had the loudest damn home theater system in history and had felt a yearning for science fiction flicks or there were various people scattered at different points along my journey who had similar tastes in movies, regardless, the throwback soundtrack of my voyage had grown more than a bit tiresome. I stopped and stared up into the sky again. And still there it was, the rainbow I sought. Yet still, myself appearing no closer to it than I had been at the start of my travels. I shook my head with mild distress for if it appeared so immense in the sky and for me to still be no closer to it, that would suggest it was a considerably greater distance away than I had originally envisioned and so my journey to reach it would take considerably longer than I had hoped. Not to mention that if it was such a great distance away, yet appeared so very large within the sky, would it not then stand to reason that traversing its length would itself be a considerably more lengthy process than originally imagined? I felt a momentary discouragement but this was brushed aside by the realization that such a mammoth rainbow requiring so much effort to reach it must then also have a truly gratifying personal pot of gold at its end and therefore all my efforts would ultimately be rewarded well beyond the cost of my labors.

And so I walked.

And I walked.

Through Pan’s Labyrinth I walked. Across Miller’s Crossing I walked, over Blade Runner without the voice over narrative I walked.

O.k., at least in the surrounding area the people had better taste in movies, so things were looking up already. Thus proof to the mantra that if you follow your rainbow, eventually all will be well. And so on I continued to walk.

And so I walked.

Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension I walked, The Waterboy I walked, Howard the Duck I walked, Dumb and Dumber I walked.

Hey, time out, was I currently travelling through the deepest, darkest pits of cinema hell? I stopped again and again looked up at the sky. Again I saw the rainbow in front of me, lighting my path, but again it appeared no closer than it had any time prior. I exhaled with a tired sigh and must confess to at this point being unable to swat away feelings of consternation.

At that moment I saw approaching me, a large pink bubble, such as that one might expect to see released, emitted by the mouth of a giant who was blowing bubbles. It slowly approached me as I stood there staring at it, an extremely high pitched, freakish discombobulated laughter emanating from within it. I was entranced by this bizarre spectacle and did not move even though it was drawing ever closer, instead just staring upon it with a dumbfounded expression as the laughter within it grew louder and louder. And then, the bubble connected with me, rupturing instantly with a water wave that splashed upon the surrounding area, knocking me to the ground. I shook my head to regain my senses and stood up from the now muddy ground and saw that standing before me was a smiling woman in a pink gown. She had red curly hair and wore a sort of tiara and carried a silver wand with a star atop it.

She stared at me with a joyously disturbed look and a wide beaming smile then the smile ruptured into an eardrum piercing stream of the laughter.

I grimaced in pain from the auditory assault. “Jesus Christ, what the hell is it with that laugh? Who exactly are you?”

Her head bounced around in a jerky spasm then she spoke with a voice mirroring the laugh in intonation and high pitched frequency. “Why it’s me, Glenda, the good witch of the North.” She then unleashed another string of the horrid, hellish skewer of sanity that was her laughter.”

“Um, Christ, any chance you could possibly bring that laugh down a few notches maybe?” I requested.

“Oh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Why of course not, for it is me, Glenda, the good witch of the North.” she announced then entered into another onslaught volley of the horrid laughter, “Oh hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.” her head percolating twitchingly with every high pitched utterance.

“Jesus Christ, you sound like a horse on speed.” I observed.

“Oh hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. No, no, no, no. Why it is me, Glenda, the good witch of the North, and I have come to aid you in your quest. Why I am well aware you have travelled from so very, very, so very, very, very, very far away, to this distant, different land for a very special reason.”

“Um, actually, I really didn’t travel from all that very far a distance away. I’m from around here you know.”

“Oh, hoo, hoo, hoo. The distance one is away from here is measured by neither space nor time, it is the distance travelled within their head. You have come here seeking the rainbow have you not?” Glenda all witchingly knowingly asked.

“Yes. I have. Have you seen it?” I eagerly inquired.

“Why indeed, it is up in the sky.” She gestured upwards with her hands while slowly moving her head back and forth and staring up admiringly.

“O.k., fair enough, my poor choice of words. You see I know it is up in the sky. I can see it too. But I am trying to actually reach it and so far I haven’t had any luck. Would you, wise, benevolent wicca practitioner of the North know how I can?”

“Why the answer lies within you dear child. You have always had the power to reach the rainbow all on your own.” she announced with an expressive, knowing tone.

“The answer lies within me, but what does that mean?” I asked, not understanding her answer.

“The power of the rainbow is within us all.” She spread her arms out with an ecstatic look.

“But how does that help me?” I questioned, feeling I still had not gleaned the benefits her wisdom was providing for the completion of my quest.

She then instructed with a smile, “All you have to do is click your heels together three times and you will be there, where you wish to be.”

“Click my heels together?” I asked, perplexed that such a simple action could provide me my solution.

“Yes, that is all that you must do.” she declared with a joyful smile.

Still dubious about it I decided to follow her guidance. “Well, o.k. then.” I then clicked my heels together, then did so again, and finally a third time. I stood there waiting but nothing happened. “Um, but, it didn’t work. I’m not at the rainbow. I can still see it in the sky and it’s still just as far away as it ever was.”

“Oh I know, I just wanted you to click your heels together, I get such a happy feeling seeing the dancing like motion, kind of like doing the chicken, and I like the sound it makes too. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.” Her head gesticulated disjointedly from side to side even more pronounced than at any time before when she laughed.

“Yeah well I really don’t particularly like the sound your damn laugh makes. And how can you be laughing? You didn’t help me at all. Don’t you understand I have to find the rainbow.” I pleaded.

“Oh but the rainbow is inside you, child.” she exclaimed, pointing her finger at me lovingly.

“Um, yeah, well, if that were the case I think it would be pretty easy to find and I really wouldn’t have to spend countless hours wandering the countryside trying to find it. Look Ms. Glenda, humanitarian alternate religion from the mainstream partaker who hails from the area that has a pole where Santa also resides, I’m sorry but I have to be going. I have to go and find the rainbow.” With that I departed and Glenda entered into an even more ruptured sounding euphoric bout of laughter, I turned and looked at her with a pained grimace, barraged by the discordant, stabbing sound, there being nothing I could do to escape my ears from the auditory battering. Then, Glenda literally exploded. There was a plume of pink smoke and then silence and Glenda was gone. I shook my head with a somewhat disturbed and baffled look, then turned and carried on again, off to find the rainbow.

And so I walked

After a time of walking I passed a large oak tree and continued onwards. After a while I noticed I was walking past another oak tree that appeared very similar to the one I had passed before. And on I continued to walk until I found my steps passing by an oak tree eerily reminiscent to the others I had seen. But onwards I travelled and then as I continued forward I stopped, and I just stared at an oak tree that seemed exactly the same as the others I had surpassed. I just stared at it with a questioning look. Was I encountering the very same oak tree even though my steps were leading ever forward? Was I merely repeating the exact same steps, no matter how many I took, never actually getting anywhere nor making any progress at all? Um, well, you know, trees are rather similar looking so differentiating between them is rather hard to do without careful, close attention so I assumed that they were in fact actually different trees. Add to this logic the fact that upon closer inspection of the area I noticed there was a small running stream behind the tree with a tiny waterfall which had not actually been present when I passed the other seemingly same oak trees before so that it was indeed the same tree I was repeatedly seeing indeed seemed unlikely.

Unless of course it was a tree that kept getting up from its roots and venturing forward with steps outpacing my own. Which would seem to be more a commentary on the tree’s steps rather than that of my own steps.

So I just turned and began walking again in the direction I had been and shortly after doing so I felt an apple strike me in the back of the head and a voice yelling at me, “Yeah that’s right you damn bastard, that’s what you get for stealing my apples! What the hell do you think will happen if you steal my apples? I only have so many you know, you take all my apples and I won’t have any left. And I aint going to let that happen you damn bastard!” At which point I was hit in the back of the head by another apple. But I just continued walking, believing getting into a drawn out confrontation with an oak tree would more than likely not be beneficial to achieving my quest of finding the rainbow and my pot of gold. As I walked away I had other thoughts on what had just transpired. (1) I was assuming it was the oak tree throwing its apples at me with anger for taking its apples from it, which I of course had not done, because, of course, oak trees don’t actually have apples. Though, if it was actually a different tree tossing its apples at me for having taken its apples from it, that was also an action I had at no time performed, for at no time had I removed a single apple from a single tree. (2) If it was the oak tree, or say a different tree which actually had apples in the first place, throwing its apples at me out of anger for my having taken an apple from it, angry because it believed if I continued to do so it would eventually have no apples upon it left at all, it might very well want to consider not tossing the remaining apples it had at my head, for the reason that said action could only serve to greatly expedite its apple depletion. (3) Possibly it was actually an apple vendor hurling his apples at me from his cart for taking an apple from it instead. An apple vendor and cart I at no point took notice of ever being there at any point of my travels so I really don’t think it necessary to point out that also was an action I had at no point done.

And so I just continued to walk, my feet continuing forward one after the other as I proceeded toward finding the rainbow, distance travelled by this point at least one hundred feet since I had passed the tree that had led me to consider whether it was the same tree from before. At which point I was struck in the back of the head again by another apple, followed by the distant shout of “You’re not getting any of my apples! You hear me you bastard? You’ll never get any of my apples you damn bastard you hear me!” (4) It was either an incredibly stupid tree or an incredibly stupid apple vendor throwing its apples at me. The whole event entirely illogical in the first place because I didn’t even like apples. And so onward I just continued to walk in search of the rainbow.

But no matter how many steps I took, when I looked up into the sky it always seemed I was no closer at all to the rainbow. I realized finding the rainbow was proving to be considerably more difficult than I had envisioned. I figured that maybe it would make sense to ask directions and so when passing a gas station, I ventured inside to do so.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for the rainbow, would you happen to know where it is by any chance?” I asked.

“Sure, to get there you just follow the yellow brick road until its end and you can’t miss it, it’s right there.” the attendant responded.

“Um, but, where do I find the yellow brick road?” I then asked, having no familiarity with the exact area I was in and therefore no way to know how to first set out upon the particular road to follow it to its end.

“Oh I’m sorry, you’re not from around this area of course or you wouldn’t be asking in the first place. To get to it you just stay on the road you’re on. Just keep walking straight and in about five hundred feet or so it turns into the yellow brick road and then you just follow the yellow brick road, keep going straight and you’ll find the rainbow.” he clarified.

And so I thanked him for his assistance and continued walking and eventually I could see the road up ahead was indeed yellow so I knew I was on the right track. After a bit I reached it, stepping from the grey stones onto yellow ones that would lead my path to the rainbow. And so I just continued walking, and just followed the yellow brick road. As I did so I glanced around at my surroundings. It seemed the yellow brick road started at immediately the point where hobo encampments began on either side. Eventually the camps ended but the yellow brick road continued on. Continued on to a section where on either side of it were numerous bars one after the other. At some point the section of bars ended, but the yellow brick road continued on, leading me to the rainbow. At that point on either side of the street, right after the bars ended, were again hobo encampments, and down the yellow brick road I continued walking. Eventually the hobo camps ended and on either side there were only occasional trees. I looked down and saw that the yellow brick road had also reached its end. Eagerly I raised my head and looked around in all directions to find the rainbow. But there was nothing, only the desolate surrounding area. Where was the rainbow?

I wondered if maybe I had just made a wrong turn but dismissed this possibility because I hadn’t actually made any turns. I had done exactly what I had been told to do. I followed the yellow brick road all the way to its end and yet, still, there was no rainbow. What there was instead was a clearing with only dirt upon the ground and trees all around it. In the center of the clearing was a neon sign. Some of the characters of the sign were broken and it was emanating an intermittent crackling, buzzing sound. The sign simply said one word, rainbow, and there were five arrows, each pointing off in a different direction. I stood there staring at the sign then looked up into the sky. There in the sky as far in the distance as it had been at any time was the rainbow so I carried on, walking towards it again.

I continued walking until I noticed I was passing through an area that had large fields of corn on either side. A person then came stumbling before me across the road, his momentum carrying him forward until he crashed into a fence and fell down, he uttering the words “Oh crap.” as he lay there on the ground.

“Um, you o.k.?” I asked the man who was wearing a large floppy hat and raggedy clothing.”

“Oh fine, I’m fine, just crashed into a fence again is all.” he announced.

With a curious look I asked, “Again, so then does that happen a lot?”

“Quite frequently actually. One hundred thirty second time today.” he declared.

“It’s only like 9 AM you realize.” I pointed out.

“Yeah, I know, bit behind schedule actually. Pardon me a second will you, time to make up for lost time before I fall really far behind.” The man then picked himself up off the ground, backed up about five steps then ran full steam ahead and into the fence, falling down again. At which point he again stood from the ground, backed up five steps again and then again ran forward into the fence, again falling down. And then he repeated this process over and over, doing so about twenty times until he stood from the ground from his last time falling down, turned to me and spoke. “Well, that oughta do it. Not too far behind now and the day’s still young. So, what brings you around the area?” he asked.

“Looking for the rainbow.” I declared.

His face turned into a wide adoring smile. “The rainbow, oh dear me. Boy would I like to find that rainbow, would follow it all the way to the end I would. Know what would be waiting for me there?”

“Your pot of gold of course. And what would your personal pot of gold be?” I inquired.

“A brain. Oh boy if I only had a brain, why the things I could do.” he declared dreamingly.

“Like stop repeatedly running into fences?” I said.

“Yeah, like that. But so much more, so much more I tell you. Why if I only had a brain I could stop stabbing myself in the arms with rusty nails, stop intentionally chopping off my legs with a scythe, stop intentionally setting myself on fire, stop purposely throwing myself off bridges, stop repeatedly banging my head against walls until I lose consciousness.” He sighed with a wishful expression.

I then provided my free of charge psychiatric analysis. “Um, I ah, think you do have a brain. I just don’t think it’s working quite the way you want it to.”

“Why if I had a brain I could actually figure out the mathematical equation I have as of yet been unable to solve whereby I cut both wrists and femoral arteries and take a bottle of pills so that I die at exactly the right moment so that when someone comes to check on me, my rigor mortis has just at that very moment advanced to the point so that my arms, locked in place bent at the elbows and hands were also both locked in place with only my middle fingers standing forever raised as my final comment to any who might view my corpse. Oh the wonders a brain can do. If I only had a brain I tell you life would be very different. Scarecrow brain 2.0, why if I could just find that rainbow I’d get that brain of mine, and, well of course my very own greatest pillow ever made which would of course be the only pillow I could possibly rest the brain with.”

“I see. So then I guess that means you’re on your own quest today to find the rainbow?” I remarked.

The man’s face turned into a disappointed frown. “No, sheeesh, I’ve got a lot of running into fences I have to do.” The man looked at his watch. “Oh boy, I’ve fallen really far behind again. Sorry but I have to get back to work. God I hate this job, and the salary is dismal. I really think I’m going to have to have a talk with the boss and demand a raise. Anyway, sorry again but I really have to get back to it. I wish you success in finding your rainbow.”

“Thank you. And I, well, hope you have a, um, ah, good day, um, if you can, and, um, sure you will. And, ah, you’re obviously quite good at your job so I’m sure you’ll get that raise you seek.” I said with attempted optimism.

“Thank you friend.” With that the man took off running toward the fence, running into it and falling down. He got up from the ground, took five steps back and did so again. Then got back up and did so again and continued repeating the process as I turned and began walking to continue my quest to find the rainbow, he doing so, over and over as my footsteps trailed away and I was eventually out of sight.

And so my journey continued, the rainbow forever in my sight yet me still not drawing any closer to it being within my grasp. But still I continued to march forward for I knew the rainbow couldn’t forever remain beyond my reach. My travels up to this point had born no fruit but I knew it was merely a matter of perseverance. The elusive rainbow could not possibly remain as it seemed to, forever in the distance. My steps had to be bringing me closer to it and so I walked. At some point I noticed there were head stones on either side and that I was passing through a graveyard. Though still daylight it was indeed an ominous and eerie scene to travel through.

As I looked around, in the area past it, I wasn’t certain, but was almost sure I could detect the shadow of a figure hanging from a distant tree beyond it. Did I have some sort of premonition that the macabre surroundings did not bode well for the rest of my quest? Actually no, I just thought it was really freakin freaky and increased my pace so that I might escape its confines as soon as possible and get to the rainbow. As I was nearing the end of the cemetery, the undertaker who was slowly and methodically digging a hole with his shovel locked onto me with his eyes, following my motion as he continued to dig, not speaking a word until he accidently drove the shovel down into his foot because he wasn’t paying attention. At which point he said “Ouch.” Then reached down and started rubbing his foot as I continued on, exiting the graveyard and thus drawing to a close the ridiculously short lived interaction I had had with the undertaker during my passing through.

And so onward I continued to walk.

I walked beneath a pack of trees that enclosed in overhead as if forming a tunnel, when I came out of this stretch of trees there was a clearing, with only a couple of trees at various points. Standing within the clearing in a frozen stance was a man, rather a man of sorts, or conceivably a robot of sorts for he or it, was a mixture of silver and large patches of brown rust and was made of metal. With curiosity I approached the figure which was just remaining there completely still, its limbs locked in mid-motion. Shining down upon the surrounding area was the sun, casting the gaze from the eye in the sky upon the land. But, only above the one spot directly above the metal figure was a dark grey storm cloud, rain pouring down from the cloud upon the still figure. As I got closer I saw that it had eyes and they were blinking, then it spoke.

“Why hello there. How might you be doing on this sunny day? If it isn’t a bother might I trouble you to pick up the can of oil beside me and squirt some of it on my limbs so that I might be able to again move?” the metallic man requested.

“Sure”, I said then picked up the can of oil and poured some on the joints of his arms and legs.

Soon after, his arms and legs began moving slowly with jerking movements and a loud creaking sound. “Thank you friend.” he said then gestured to the oil can. “May I?” he asked, reaching out his hand. I handed him the oil can and he raised it to his mouth, drinking from it. “Ahhhhh.” he sounded after finishing drinking then added “Really does taste like crap, but it’s actually the only liquid I can actually drink, so when you’re weary, dehydrated and in need of liquid refreshment what else you going to do. Suck down on the crap.” He then began walking ploddingly with disjointed steps to a small bench and sat down upon it. The storm cloud that had been over his head moving above him with his steps, coming to rest, still above him, as he sat down upon the bench. And there the metal man sat, rain dropping from the sky above, rain touching the ground nowhere else within the area. He looked up through the rain into the sky at the sun. “You know, I would say I like the sun. But damned if I ever get to feel its touch. Oh well, whatcha gonna do. It is what it is I suppose as all things are. He then reached up to his face with his metal hand and itched the side of his head, flakes of rust dropping off and floating to the ground from both his head and hand. “Thank you immensely for aiding me in my predicament of the current moment, without your assistance who knows how long I would have been stuck there before someone came along. You very much have my gratitude.”

“Really, no problem at all.” I simply responded.

“Well, nice to meet you. The name’s Reynolds.” he said.

“Nice to meet you Reynolds. My name’s Xavier Armadillopo.” I stated.

“Well, good to make your acquaintance Xavier. So what brings you by the area?”

“I’m trying to find the rainbow.” I announced.

“Oh, the rainbow. Yes the rainbow truly is a beautiful sight. Why I often see it when sitting beneath the rain. I often see the rain as well when sitting beneath the rain. The rain, it is, admittedly a less pleasant sight to behold. But can’t stop the rain from falling now can we. They do say that into every life a little rain must fall. But,” He raised his head, looking up into the storm cloud, rain falling onto his face, spilling down the sides, “I do have to admit I often ask the question, upon this life, why is it the rain is falling all the time? Well whatcha gonna do. It is what it is I suppose. But I certainly wish you well in your efforts, certainly do hope you find what you seek at its end. Why I tell you I certainly do wish I could find my reward at the end of my rainbow.”

“And what is it that would be waiting for you if you did?” I asked.

“Oh that which is most essential to being able to proceed through your days with both strength of action and purpose.” he stated.

“And that would be?” I asked with interest.

“My very own the greatest pillow ever made.” answered the metal man.

“Yes, I hear they say it is quite the pillow.” I commented.

“Well that would be my pot of gold and also a giant vat of weather resistant iron. Why if I had that I would pour it over my entire body. Clouds overhead could not faze me at all. No matter what life threw at me I wouldn’t be bothered at all. For then I would not merely be Reynolds, I would then be Iron Man and there is nothing that could get to me, all would just bounce off my iron exterior and fall harmlessly to the ground upon which I marched. I would be invincible to all of life’s hellish calamity, forever protected from whatever arrows were slung upon me, forever Iron Man which nothing could touch. And with my very own greatest pillow ever made I would then have the only pillow that could cradle and was worthy of resting my iron head upon. And all that I wished would be mine and all that I tried to do would be a guaranteed success. As it is I can’t even carry a plate of pasta without the damn thing falling and crashing on the floor. But, whatcha gonna do. It is what it is I suppose as all things are.” Reynolds then just stared up at the rain cloud, water dropping down upon his face.

“Well, I tell you Reynolds, I’m going to find my rainbow no matter what it takes and you know what else, I know you will find your rainbow as well. And I know we will both reach its end, and when we do, we will both obtain our reward, our particular pot of gold that every rainbow has to offer. You just have to believe and never give up, because if you do that then nothing can stop you from obtaining your goals and making life what you want it to be. You just have to believe in your rainbow and all will be as you want it. And if you believe that then tomorrow is guaranteed to be a better day than today was and all your dreams will come true. You just have to believe. Do you believe Reynolds?” I implored.

“I do.” said Reynolds staring up, his gaze fixed at the rain cloud above him. “But if you don’t mind, might I ask you a favor?”

“Certainly, no problem, what is it?” I replied without hesitation.

“Could you possibly pour some more from the oil can upon my limbs as well as my neck? I appear to have again rusted immobile and cannot in any way move from where I am if you don’t.” he requested.

“Of course, no problem at all.” I picked up the oil can and went to pour it upon Reynolds limbs but nothing came out of the nozzle. I shook the can, speaking, “Actually it seems there’s nothing left in the can.”

“Yes, well then, suppose I drank all that was left.” he surmised.

“Do you have another I could use?” I asked.

“No. That’s my only one.” Reynolds announced.

“Um, so what are you going to do?” I asked with concern.

“I guess just remain sitting here, staring into the storm cloud until another individual happens upon the scene who also happens to be carrying an oil can of their own and is willing to use its contents to restore my movement.” he answered.

“Well you know what Reynolds, I’m absolutely sure that’s going to happen so you have nothing to worry about. Everything is going to work out perfectly fine in the end.” I predicted for him.

“Yes, suppose you’re right, certainly someone is bound to come walking through the forest to this arbitrary spot within which I sit, carrying an oil can eventually. Suppose I just have to wait it out, carried through the time by hope until they do.” he theorized.

“Well you know what Reynolds, I’m absolutely sure they will be coming by any minute now so you just sit there staring into your forever storm cloud and think about how great things are going to be when they do.” I declared encouragingly.

“Yeah, guess that’s what I’ll do, because you’ve got to have hope I guess.” he proclaimed, his tone somewhat somber.

“Yes, you’ve got to have hope.” I announced optimistically.

“Without hope what else is there?” he said, his tone more somber.

“One can always hope.” I said brightly.

“Yes, one can always hope I guess. Of course I would very much like it if that person could enter the scene this very moment but indeed I have hope that they will at some point. Until then, it is what it is I suppose, as all things are.” declared Reynolds with resignation.

“Well I’m telling you Reynolds, when they do things are going to be great. Until then, dream on good man.” I said cheerfully.

“Yes, thank you, and best of luck on finding your rainbow then.” he replied.

“Oh Reynolds, I know I will.” I declared with certainty.

“Well then, Godspeed on bringing resolution to your quest.” he concluded.

“Thank you Reynolds, thank you. And it truly was a pleasure to have met you. Goodbye and best of luck to you as well.”

And with that I turned and left, walking again as I continued forward on my quest to find the rainbow. Reynolds, he, well, continued to sit on the bench, frozen still in place, movement of any kind rusted immobile from the perpetual rain cloud forever over his head.

But I was not immobile. I was steadily walking and doing so with both point and purpose. I was going to find the rainbow and I was going to obtain my pot of gold. The next however long a distance it was revealed no events of any kind, nor even any notable landmarks really. It was just a tedious slog through non-descript surroundings and as I did so I would glance up ever so often at the rainbow, but every time I did so it always appeared the same distance away.

I then happened to pass by an amusement park of sorts on my right side. It was heavily populated by dwarf children who for the most part seemed quite happy as they were running around between the rides laughing and smiling. The children on some of the rides not so much. Near the side of the road was a giant bouncy castle that the children would enter and joyfully start jumping up and down on. The problem was that it must have been too tightly pressurized because when they did they were then flung into the walls of it with whiplash speed and then crashed back down upon the floor of it and then up and down and all around like some sadistic game of dwarf child bumper cars only without the cars because once down none of them were able to get back to their feet so they all just kept ricocheting off the surfaces of it, bouncing and crashing into the walls, floors, and into each other as the whole mass of them were crying and screaming for their parents but all to no avail as they just continued in a constant collision course of perpetual motion consumed by desperation and terror. Immediately next to it was the ball pool, that attraction which was a sea of plastic balls children would venture within, but ball quicksand pit of no exit would seem a more accurate description because every child who stepped within it was immediately pulled down, disappearing beneath it and none of them ever rose back to the surface and then more and more children, thinking the ride was empty would themselves venture in only to then also vanish beneath the surface.

As I continued walking past the rides and beyond the small park I couldn’t help but think to myself that they really should have considered stationing some of the workers for the park around those two rides, as the dichotomy of the chorus of screams from the one and dead silence of the other trailed away and were replaced by the occasional normal sounds I had heard on most of the other parts of my travels.

At some point the area surrounding either side began to become considerably more-dense with foliage, both bushes and trees, until it reached a point where the surrounding leaves and branches stretching overhead above me very much resembled a jungle that had had a pathway constructed in the middle of it. And on that pathway I continued walking, various animal sounds audible from within the tangled greenery. The light from the sun above greatly diminished, being blocked out by the branches overhead that seemed to lock hands with each other. And within the semi-darkness I continued marching forward on my quest, knowing that if I continued to do so, eventually I would reach the rainbow and receive my reward.

I continued walking on the road, searching for the rainbow as the road widened and through it I continued to head. As I did I could hear a rustling in the bushes to my side as I walked. It was growing louder with my steps until it became quite pronounced. I stopped and looked at the area of the noise. The rustling continued to grow in volume and then from the bushes leapt a large lion who looked up into the sky, signaling its appearance with a loud bellowing roar. It then turned its head down and stared at me with a powerful, dominant look. It then let loose another call but this one was more akin to a shriek, the lion exclaiming loudly “Eeeeeek!” and immediately and frantically the lion turned back around and dove back into the bushes. From the bushes it spoke out to me. “Oh why’d you have to go and do that for? Why I was just sitting there minding my own business, trying to find a good place to take a nap, wasn’t even bothering anybody at all then you had to come along blaring your stereo, breaking all the mailboxes with a baseball bat and setting fire to all the bushes and trees in the area, your pack of psychopathic serial killer vandals announcing loudly “We are here to torture and kill the lion that lives around here and sell his body parts on the black market after we chop him up into pieces!””

“Um, that’s an interesting interpretation of my arrival here, one which I would personally say is somewhat, slightly erroneous in at least a few ways, but, hey, you jumped out from the bushes and roared ferociously at them when you thought there was a gang of marauding crazy people here to kill you so if that were ever to happen I’m sure you would scare them off so you really have nothing to worry yourself about. And as for me you can see it is just me and that I mean you no harm so you’re perfectly safe from me.”

I then saw his eyes peering out at me from within the bushes. After a few seconds I heard stirring in the bushes and the lion emerged again and spoke when he did. “Yeah I roared but I didn’t actually mean it. I just didn’t know what else I could possibly do to save myself at that point. I’m sure they would have just laughed at me and killed me anyway. I’m just a cowardly lion you see.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being a cowardly lion.” I declared sympathetically.

“Yeah, except being cowardly. I don’t know what it is but everything seems to scare me. I just haven’t got the nerve I tell ya. I’m just this always wound up ball of anxiety and I’m even afraid of my own shadow. Wo! What, what’s that black thing on the ground right next to you?” He nervously pointed down to the side of me.

“Don’t worry it’s just your shadow. It can’t actually hurt you.” I declared, trying to put his mind at rest.

He shook his head with a troubled face while looking down at his shadow. “God I hate that damn thing, follows me everywhere I go. I think it might be a government agent spying on me. Do you think it’s a government agent spying on me?”

“I tend to doubt it’s a government agent spying on you.” I reassured him.

“Well you can never be too careful. That’s why I seal all the food in my kitchen with individual bags only I have the key for because I know full well the local Shriners faction is trying to poison me. Oh boy I really do wish I could go find my rainbow and collect my reward waiting at the end.” he lamented.

“You don’t say. That’s funny because I’m actually out here looking for the rainbow for the same purpose.” I informed him.

“Really, well good luck then, I really hope you find it.” he pronounced encouragingly.

“And I hope you find yours as well.” I offered back.

The cowardly lion shook his head dejectedly. “Can’t.”

“Why not?” I asked probingly

“Because if I did the Templar assassins posing as Buddhist Monks would just trigger the explosives they have it rigged with and it would collapse and fall on my head, killing me.” he explained.

“Hmm, I see where thinking that might give you pause.”

“Besides, to get to my rainbow I’d have to take a boat, and if I did that then I know Bigfoot riding the Loch ness Monster would just beat the boat with a giant club until the boat sank.” he added as another reason he was unable to make the journey.

“Hmm, I see where that could be a problem.”

“And of course I’d have to first get to the boat, and how would I do that? Did you know there were roughly 1.25 million traffic accident fatalities in the world last year? Suppose I could go by horse but then I’m guaranteed to be set upon by horse thieves who would then kill me and steal my horse. So then what, by cow? But what are the chances the cow I was on wouldn’t have mad cow disease and just maul me then skin my pelt and wear it while doing his Axl Rose impression in a full length mirror while he keeps a full figured woman trapped under his house at the bottom of a well?”

“Hmm, if that happened that would indeed be an unpleasant turn of events on many levels.” I remarked.

“You know, there’s just really no place in the world that’s actually safe. Terrorists are lying in wait to attack the botanical gardens if I happen to go it. Figure it might be nice to just go to some park and sit on a bench but then some lunar transport to the international space station will just tumble from orbit and crash down on me. Go to the store to buy some milk, and a pack of gremlins carrying butcher knives are just going to surround me and stab me 368 times. And when you figure why not just go curl up in a cave somewhere, take a nap and rest, well that’s all fine and good until the alien dinosaur sleeping in it wakes up, sees me and eats me for lunch. There’s really no place you can go where you aren’t going to have trouble. But, man how different it would be if the darn Templar assassins posing as Buddhist Monks weren’t just going to blow up my rainbow when I got to it so that it collapsed on me and killed me. If that wasn’t what would happen then I could actually get to the end of the rainbow and collect my reward and then everything would be different.”

“So what is it that would be waiting for you at the end of your rainbow?” I inquired.

“Two personal giant cyborg, ninja samurai, bodyguards with lasers, machine guns, and heat seeking missiles and radar technology to detect any possible threat and possessing speed greater than the speed of light and which are indestructible and take out any threat before it has any chance of harming me. That and, of course three of the greatest pillows ever made. One for me, the only that could possibly guarantee keeping all bad dreams away, and the other two for my two giant cyborg ninja samurai bodyguards even though of course they never actually sleep.”

“Hmm, I see where that would be very useful for you to have, the um giant cyborg ninja samurai bodyguards I mean.”

“Eh, what’s the point anyway.” the cowardly lion declared. “I mean you tell me, is there any possible chance that a disgruntled, outcast, maladjusted, super genius, autistic 5 year old computer wiz wouldn’t end up deciphering the code that controlled their operation which even the programmers wouldn’t be able to crack, doing so by using an Atari 800 and a random counterfeit lotto ticket bought from China to thus take control of my two giant, cyborg, ninja samurai bodyguards and make them kill me because one of his classmates said the word euphemism thus triggering the signal implanted in him by a Cherokee Indian tribe who were trying to bring about the second coming of Jesus Christ by my death and the plan going into full effect because seeing another classmate wearing a lime colored shirt was the final piece of their puzzle to make him decide that was the way he wanted to kill a lion that day even though up to that point he always had a profound love of animals?”

Trying to keep him from entirely abandoning his goal I hypothesized, “Well. I guess you could always take your chances that that might possibly not exactly happen in exactly that way.”

He dismissed my attempt at encouragement outright. “Come on. Who are you kidding? Thanks for trying but what are the chances of that?”

“Hmm, I see. Really sorry that you won’t be able to get to your rainbow, but I tell you I won’t stop until I get to mine. I promise you I’ll find my rainbow and collect my reward.”

“And I really hope you do. I truly do. And I very much have hope that you will if you try hard enough, if you put all your efforts into it I’m sure it will be a success.” he forecasted.

“I know it will be.” I declared.

There was then the sound of a baby frantically crying somewhere in the distance.

“What was that?” the cowardly lion asked, darting his gaze around quickly with panic in all directions.

“Sounds like a baby crying, seems like it might be in distress. I wonder where it is.” I responded, looking around the area.

“Oh no, that must be a member of the terrible infants gang that operates in the area. I know they have a hit out on me. Every time I pass one of them they just lock on me with their eyes with this sinister expression that is their gang code for we’re going to murder a lion. I think it must now be crying to alert the other members to amass at the club house to come and kill me. You should probably get out of here. They’re a ruthless gang with no qualms about killing all in the area so they can’t be identified. No reason both of us should have to die, besides, you’ve got your rainbow to find, so hurry, go on, get out of here.” he urged me with concern

I was still looking around, trying to see where the crying was coming from. “I don’t know, it really does sound to me that it might be in some sort of danger, if it is I would like to help it.”

“Oh I wouldn’t do that. If it’s not one of the terrible infants then it has to be a baby surrounded by all the lions of the area, who I don’t get along with by the way because they are actually secretly disgruntled actors who auditioned for the musical “Rent” but didn’t get the part and turned to a Satanic cult to enact their revenge on the world, joining forces with the tigers and bears in the area, who by the way aren’t real tigers and bears but instead ex baseball and football players who are addicted to pain killers, the muscle for various drug and gambling outfits and prone to violent bouts of senseless rage from post-concussion syndrome, who are going to eat it because they paid its parents 500 thousand dollars to do so because the parents wanted to buy a luxury yacht they would name “The Hermaphrodite”. It’s already a goner, there’s nothing you can do. Try and go and save it and you’ll just get eaten as well and then you’ll never reach your rainbow.” he cautioned.

The sound of the crying became even more frantic.

“Yeah, that might be it, but still, I don’t know. I’d really like to know for sure just in case that’s maybe not what’s happening.” I continued searching the area and noticed smoke drifting up into the sky then looked down and saw the smoke was coming from a burning four story building and that the crying was coming from inside. “Oh no, that building is on fire and I think the baby is trapped within it.”

I could then also hear a woman’s voice frantically screaming from down on the ground “Help! Someone please help! My baby is trapped inside on the fourth floor!”

“What are you going to do?” the cowardly lion asked.

“Um, I, well I guess I’m going to go over there and try to save it, what else can I do? So good luck with everything. But I got to go.” I turned to begin heading for the building but was stopped when the lion grabbed my arm with its paw.

“No. Don’t go in there. I will. You know this moment has made me realize that maybe some of my theories of what will happen are possibly not entirely accurate in terms of some of the details. You know, I see now it’s just my fear talking and it really is a terrible thing to live with all the time. And it really is something I very much wish to overcome. And by God I don’t need to find the rainbow and enlist the services of my two giant, cyborg, indestructible ninja samurais to do so. Which is actually good because they would of course have fire as the one thing they were not in fact resistant to, put in place as a fail-safe to stop them in the event a disgruntled, autistic 5 year old saw the color green making him want to kill a lion with them. And you know what else I realize now, that if you stand up to your fears and don’t let them control you then there is nothing in the world that can stop you and all your wishes and dreams will come true. For there truly is nothing to fear but fear itself. So let me do it. And I know nothing will go wrong and all will be fine. I will save that baby and I will emerge from the building a hero, the mother will give me a thankful hug, crying tears of gratitude and joy and when I curl up to go to sleep in a cave that night there will be no alien dinosaur there to kill me because that alien dinosaur was never actually there. I got this one friend. And tonight I guarantee I will sleep the deepest, most peaceful, satisfied sleep I ever have, my reward for a good deed and job well done.”

“Well good for you cowardly lion. And good luck, though I know full well you aren’t going to need it.” I praised.

“Thanks friend, and good luck finding your rainbow because I no longer need mine. So I’ll be seeing ya, but I have to go. There is work to be done.” With that the no longer cowardly lion scampered to the building, shouting as he did “Don’t worry mam. I’m coming to save your baby!”

As he passed her and ran into the building the woman exclaiming “My furry hero. Thank you dear sweet lion.”

I watched as the no longer cowardly lion appeared in a fourth floor window and then began lowering the no longer crying, but instead giggling, baby with a rope of sheets he had tied together as the baby was safely lowered to the ground and into the arms of its weeping, joyous mother. The baby was safe and as I gazed upon the no longer cowardly lion standing in the window, nodding his head with a proud expression, a tear of joy escaped from my eye as well that the baby was safe and that my friend, the lion, had overcome his fears on his own and his life would now be so much more rewarding, free of worries and entirely content.

The entire building then crumpled, collapsing to the ground as a fiery heap, the woman exclaiming “Oh crap, that nice lion who just rushed into a burning building and saved my baby by stringing together a bunch of sheets just got killed when the building collapsed on him and he died. Um, oh crap.” She then looked down at the baby in her arms who was smiling obliviously up at her. “Whose a good little baby, oh you a good little baby, whosha woosha good little baby.” The baby smiled and laughed. “Yes, yousha woosha good little baby. Let’s go goosha woosha little baby, the “Teletubbies” is coming on T.V. soon” The woman then walked away, carrying the baby. The flaming wreckage of the building smoldering in rubble on the ground.

“Oh crap.” I uttered, a pained grimace upon my face. I continued staring at the flaming wreckage. :”That did not go as well as I had hoped. Well, goodbye dear friend. You will be missed. But I must be off to go find the rainbow. And when I do, know this, I will be thinking of you. Goodbye my friend.”

And so again I set off, continuing to walk in the direction of the rainbow?

But where was the rainbow? To have it there always in my sight but to still never seem to grow any closer to it was beginning to become frustrating. But what else was there that I could do? Really there was nothing except as long as I had it in view to continue marching onward to it. And so that is what I continued to do. As I did I found myself passing by two horses, one white and one grey. Standing next to them was a man in a red coat wearing a large furry looking hat and as I walked by the white horse, it motioned to me with a welcoming nodding of its head and so I reciprocated with a nodding gesture of my own. As I did so the man chuckled and said to me, “Oh my, the horse’s name is Qubbles and I do believe Qubbles likes you.”

“Nice to meet you Qubbles.” I said as I passed it by, now passing before the other horse who motioned to me with a nod of the head much the same as the first one had done. I nodded back as I had done to the other horse then called out to the man “So what about this one?” I asked, pointing to the grey horse, so that I might greet it by name as I had done with the other.

“Why that’s a horse of a different color.” the man responded.

“Um, yeah, I can see that. But what I meant was what is its name?”

“I just told you, A Horse Of A Different Color.” the man answered.

“Oh I see. Well then have a nice day Qubbles and A Horse Of A Different Color. Gooday to you sir as well.” I said to the man then continued walking on my way.

And so on I continued to walk seeking the rainbow, I looked up into the sky as I did so and yet still, even after all my travels it appeared just as distant as it did with my very first step. I began to dismay that I would never actually reach my pot of gold but I was not deterred and so onward I continued to march to my goal. My steps had long ago begun to tire and I was indeed feeling weary so my pace was considerably slower than it had been at the start but still I pressed ahead forward to find the rainbow, believing as I did so that the resolution of my quest could well come at any time.

At some point while walking forward I noticed a figure sitting on a rock somewhat ahead of me. It appeared quite short, somewhat stocky and was dressed in green. As my steps drew closer to it I was able to make out more features of it. It was wearing a green jacket with a lighter green shirt beneath it. It had on a green rounded derby hat, green tights and darker green boots. As I got closer still I could make out that it was actually female and had red hair and pointed ears. Her skin was also green. Wait, could this possibly be the Leprechaun guarding my pot of gold?

The possibility had to be considered even though there were a few questions regarding it. For one, I wasn’t aware there actually were female Leprechauns, though admittedly I had no real in depth prior knowledge of the intricacies of Leprechaun genealogy. Also. Though my knowledge of Leprechauns was admittedly scant I knew enough to know that though they were prone to wearing green outfits, there skin itself was not actually green as well, but hers indeed was. Not to mention she was nowhere near the vicinity of the rainbow, certainly not waiting at its end which I had always understood as the place a Leprechaun would be. She was just sitting on a large rock in the middle of nowhere, whistling and singing to herself, though I could not, as of yet, make out the words. But, could this be it? Was it possible she was in fact the Leprechaun I had been seeking all this time?

When I reached a point almost up to her I could actually make out the words of what she was singing to herself. The words were this

“I am A Leprechaun. A Leprechaun am I, I am a Leprechaun, a Leprechaun am I. A Leprechaun I am. A Leprechaun I am. I am a Leprechaun, a Leprechaun I am.” She then began whistling.

The diabolically intricate confounding riddle I had solved. This was indeed the Leprechaun. She just sat there upon the boulder whistling to herself, apparently unaware of my presence. And so I decided to announce my arrival. “Why hello there majestic Leprechaun woman, it is me. I have come to collect my pot of gold.”

She turned her head and looked upon me with a smile. “Oh that’s lovely, wonderful indeed. I knew you would make it. Been sitting here waiting for ya, you know.” The Leprechaun declared welcomingly.

“So then, does that mean I can collect my reward?” I inquired.

“Sure, sure and indeed as well. That’s what I’m here for don’t you know. Rules is rules and the rules is that he who finds the end of the rainbow and the Leprechaun gets to collect his pot of gold. And I also have for you your very own free the greatest pillow ever made.” the Leprechaun answered.

“Wonderful! But, um, I can see the rainbow way over there, how then could this spot here be where it ends.” I asked, perplexed.

“Well, technically the rules is that you reach the end of the rainbow and you meet the Leprechaun and then they give you the pot of gold. But it’s the meeting the Leprechaun that’s important. To be perfectly honest the end of the rainbow has no actual significance in terms of being able to make the transaction. It’s just where us Leprechauns usually are. But to get your pot of gold the Leprechaun doesn’t have to actually be at the end of the rainbow.”

“I see. Well boy am I glad I found you. Feels like I’ve been travelling for ages and by this point I am very exhausted and weary. But I persevered, even when I felt as if I couldn’t go on one step more, still on I went because inside I knew that eventually I would reach the rainbow and get my pot of gold. I suppose being at the end of a rainbow really wouldn’t matter at all. What is a rainbow anyway, just an image you see in the sky, the only possible reward it provides is an aesthetic one to those who behold it in their eyes. It is the Leprechaun and pot of gold part of the equation that is important and by God I have found my Leprechaun as I knew I would and so my goal has been achieved. Thank you dear Leprechaun.” I said with heartfelt gratitude.

“Oh don’t be silly, no thanks are necessary, no thank yous necessary at all. It’s what I do. Genies in bottles grant you three wishes, though as so many unaware souls learn it’s always with a catch, and us Leprechauns at the end of rainbows make your dreams come true.” she announced magnanimously.

“Um, might I ask, why is it you’re not actually at the end of the actual rainbow?” I inquired with curiosity.

“Oh I was, I was, but this particular rainbow was sort of the erroneous, direction wise sort. You see there is an unwritten understanding that the rainbow’s end should be in an area where there is actually something for the Leprechaun to sit upon. Not only was there no such thing but this particular rainbow actually ended in the middle of a lake meaning I would have had to keep myself bobbing in the water while I waited for you and then you yourself would have had to wade out into the lake to find me. Really didn’t seem fair to either of us so I just came over here and sat on this boulder and waited instead.” she explained.

“I see.” I responded, nodding my head.

“Knew you would find me anyway. Leprechaun’s intuition. The Leprechaun always knows.” the female Leprechaun stated, tapping her finger to the side of her head.

“Of course.” I said, again nodding my head.

“You know, the whole rainbow thing is actually relatively new in Leprechaunology. It used to be that we would just sit, waiting in a patch of four leaf clovers. The problem was that was a considerably more difficult spot for travelers to locate. And then of course there was the contract dispute where the four leaf clovers began only sprouting up around the base of trees, and never near any rocks to sit on. Negotiations were ongoing when two different Leprechauns sitting and waiting on the branches of two different trees fell off them, one breaking his leg, the other his arm, so we decided the work environment was deleterious to our physical well-being and that a contract couldn’t be reached so we broke off negotiations and signed a deal with rainbows instead. Has worked quite well for all involved. This rainbow here, probably just its first day on the job, sure it will get the hang of it. It just has to go over the rulebook and all will be fine.”

“I did not know that about Leprechaunic history.” I admitted.

“Yes, yes, indeed. As I said there are the rules. And the rule is that if you find your Leprechaun wherever he or she is you receive your particular pot of gold.” she announced.

“That’s great news. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am.” I exclaimed with gratitude.

“Absolutely, glad you are, that’s what we’re here for you know. Just one other minor rule, which I’m sure you’ll agree is really nothing whatsoever at all. But to get your pot of gold there is one tiny, insignificant thing required of you.” the Leprechaun informed me.

“Sure, you name it.” I immediately and eagerly replied.

“Well, you did say you were unaware of Leprechaun folklore but it has always been the case that to receive your pot of gold you just first have to give to the Leprechaun your shoes.” she explained.

“My shoes?” I asked confusedly.

“Yes, that’s all, like I said it’s nothing, but those are the rules. I’m sure you’ll agree it’s a very small price to pay. So you just take off your shoes and hand them to me and I’ll give to you your pot of gold and you can be on your way.” the Leprechaun declared.

“Um, but I really did walk quite a long way to get here, is there any way around that? Think I could really use them for the journey back home.”

“Oh believe me I wish that there was and let me assure you I personally have no interest whatsoever in acquiring your particular shoes. It’s all a rather silly stipulation I’d be the first to admit but the rules are the rules. So just take off and hand over your shoes and our dealings can then be completed.” she directed me.

“Would it be satisfactory if I gave you my socks instead?” I queried, thinking that would present less of a problem for the walk home.

“Oh I wish that it were, really I do, but when the contract was negotiated both with the clovers and then with the rainbows it was insisted by them that it had to be the shoes themselves. Always was perplexed why the head of the Leprechaun guild signed that clause. Think originally it had something to do with the clovers wanting it in the contract out of fear the traveler seeking their pot of gold might step on them. Really no clue why the rainbows would insist on it as well. I assure you us Leprechauns really couldn’t care less. And trust me when I state to you that I specifically have absolutely no interest whatsoever in obtaining the particular shoes you yourself are wearing. Just following the rules as they are written, so just give me the shoes and that will be that.” the Leprechaun explained.

I nodded my head in agreement. “O.k. then. And like you said it is a small price to pay to get my pot of gold. Just give me a second will you?”

“Of course, of course, take your time.” she said nonchalantly. I sat down on the grass and went to remove my shoes. At that moment clouds moved in overhead and there was an audible crack of thunder up above. The Leprechaun looked up at it then spoke with a more urgent tone. “Oh dear me. Looks like rain is coming. Any chance you could speed things up. I really have this thing about being caught in the rain. Does nasty things to my appearance, so could you please?”

“Like what” I asked, pausing the process of removing my shoes.

“Like, um, like, it does a number on my hair so really, just speed things along will you.” she beseeched me.

“But you’re wearing a hat.” I commented, just making the observation. There was then an even louder crack of thunder and then a flash of lightning.

“That I am, how perceptive you are. But not all my hair is covered now is it. Bottom strands get wet, the whole thing frizzes up. Will take hours to disentangle it. So really now, quick, the shoes, the shoes, just give me the shoes.” she compelled me.

“Sure, no problem.” I reached down and began to remove the first of the shoes from my feet but as I did so I felt a drop of rain fall upon my nose, followed quickly by one on my cheek, then the top of my head. “Uh oh, I’m feeling drops of rain. Is it too late for you?”

“Yes. Yes it is to avoid what it’s going to do to me.” she declared with a tone that was both resigned and irritated at one in the same time.

“Do you still want the shoes though?” I asked.

“Yes, I do, so take off the damn shoes.” she snapped with an agitated voice.

“O.k., sorry bout your hair.” I said emphatically.

“I assure you it is utterly grateful beyond comprehension for your sympathy. The shoes, now.” I again began to remove my shoe when the rain really began to pour down heavily upon the scene. The Leprechaun just gazed up at it with a look of pure disdain. “Just great. Freakin fuckin perfect. Man I hate when this happens.” At that moment I noticed there were fumes emitting from the Leprechaun’s body as she sat upon the boulder with a scowl on her face.

“Oh my God, the fumes, it’s like smoke or something. Are you o.k.? It looks like you’re melting. That would seem, ah, sort of worse than having a bad hair day.” I observed with concern.

“Yes it would appear that I am. Oh what a fuckin world.” she commented with a dry monotone voice.

“Well is there anything I can do to help?” I offered.

“Yes, actually there is.” At that moment an enormous wave of smoke erupted from the Leprechaun’s body as she exploded in size, instantaneously growing to a mammoth 20 foot tall creature with bulging muscles, her clothing being shredded by the process so that the only left covering her was a pair of cut off shorts. The hulking figure stared down upon me with a seething angry glare. “What are you fuckin deaf? You can give me the fuckin shoes you little shit!”

“I really don’t think they’d even fit you now.” I commented innocently.

The Leprechaun growled with a rabid, monstrous voice, “Just give me the fuckin shoes already. Jesus Christ! How much worse could this possibly get you stupid, little bitch? Don’t you know I am the mighty wicked witch?” At that moment a house came plummeting down from the sky, landing on top of the Leprechaun, squashing her.

I just stood there staring at the house as it lay upon her for a while then called to her. “Um, do I still get my pot of gold now?” She, having been squashed by the house, of course did not respond.

So I just stood there in the rain, staring at the house wondering what it was next that I should do. Then the door to the house opened and there emerged a young woman with pig tails wearing a pale blue and white checkerboard patterned dress. A dog then came slowly trotting up and sat on its hind legs beside her. The dog was a greyhound and its sitting height came close to matching her standing height. The dog released a tired, sleepy yawn. The young woman looked at the dog and spoke. “Toto, I have a funny feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

“Actually you are. This is Kansas.” I said to her.

The look on her face snapped to one of disappointment. “What? Shit. I was Goddamned trying to get the hell out of Kansas. Where in Kansas?”

“Fredonia.” I answered.

“Are you kidding me, that’s only like two towns over. Well this is a hell of a crappy flying house.” There then came across the sky overhead at that moment, from the right, a wave of flying monkeys, I looked upon them as they flapped their wings passing by and continuing on until out of sight. “So then where exactly in Fredonia did I land?” the young woman asked.

“On a Leprechaun.” I said.

“On a freakin Leprechaun. Are you kidding me? Now how am I going to find my pot of gold if my damn house squashed the Leprechaun? Crap, this Goddamned horrible flying, Leprechaun squashing stupid useless house. I knew I should have bought a motor home instead. Then I could have just driven out of Kansas and I could find my rainbow and then get to the end of it and find the Leprechaun and get my pot of gold.” she despaired.

I looked at her, trying to console her that she hadn’t made the wrong choice. “Yeah, but then there’s a good chance you would have just ended up running the Leprechaun over.”

“But what the hell do I do now to get my pot of gold? And I mean, come on, I’m still in freakin Kansas. Getting out of Kansas, at the very least I could have accomplished that much. This has been a complete and total failure I tell you.” She shook her head mournfully.

“Well, you know I didn’t get my pot of gold either so things really didn’t work out for me at all either. Um, I don’t know, do you need a place to stay or something? We could go back to my cabin and hang out if you’d like. Of course I just made this offer momentarily neglecting to consider the fact that you did actually travel here by house.”

“Look, don’t take offence at my saying this but things really are not going to work out for you that way either. You’re really not my type. And by not my type what I’m trying to tell you is that I’m a lesbian.”

“Wow, a lesbian in Kansas?” I responded with astonishment.

“Exactly. Oh man this really sucks.” She sneered, smacking her leg with her hand out of frustration.

“Well. You know if you look under your house you’ll find somewhere near the squashed Leprechaun the greatest pillow ever made. Would that help?”

“It’s a friggin pillow, I already have a friggin pillow, what the hell do I care? How the hell is the greatest pillow ever made going to help me get out of Kansas and find my rainbow and Leprechaun and pot of gold?” she asked with dismay.

“Well I think it’s the new marketing slogan for it actually. “Get out of Kansas, find your rainbow, Leprechaun, and pot of gold. Only with…The greatest pillow ever made!”

“It’s just a friggin pillow! I got a friggin pillow in my friggin house.” she proclaimed dismissively.

“Sorry. Just trying to find some sort of gain you could get out of the situation.” A thought then occurred to me. “Um, wait, you wouldn’t happen to also have a can of oil in that house of yours would you? I actually know someone who could really use it.”

“A can of oil. What the hell do you think, just because I’m a lesbian it means I like to fix car engines and other stupid shit like that?” she responded incredulously.

“So then you’re saying you don’t?” I inquired.

“No, I don’t. Sorry.” she answered, trying to be gracious but obviously agitated by the plight of her situation.

“Damn. That would have at least been something. Oh well.” The two of us then just stood there, each of us looking off in different directions with quizzical, ponderous looks on our faces, both of us trying to figure out what we should do next. I glanced over at her and asked, “So what are you going to do now, do you know?”

“No friggin clue. How about you?” she answered with a discouraged tone.

“Well, I guess just begin the trek back to my cabin. Really can’t think of anything else I can do other than that at this point.” I said, realizing I had not achieved my goal and there really was nothing else to do.

The look on her face changed to one of contemplation. “Well you know what. I was wrong. I actually do know what I’m going to do?”

“What?” I asked with interest.

With a steely unbreakable look of purpose she then declared. “I’m going to find a different rainbow with a different Leprechaun than the one I squashed and I’m still going to get my pot of gold.”

“From experience I suggest you do so when not in the rain. Trust me, a friendly word of warning.”

She continued with her declaration of her just realized course of action. “Because you see, to find your rainbow all you have to do is believe. For I tell you there is that wondrous land somewhere over the rainbow, and in that special place, why there is no rain, and the skies are always sunny and blue.”

“Um, then how did the rainbow form in the first place?” I asked, perplexed.

“Shut up.” she barked at me then continued “And in that wondrous place where the skies are always sunny and blue, um,” She then again spoke directly to me. “I did say somewhere over the rainbow didn’t I? Now if you make that leap to actually get over the rainbow, is it really too hard to make the leap in logic that over the rainbow there wouldn’t actually be any rain?” she theorized.

“Hmm, good point. I didn’t think of it that way. Sorry for interrupting.” I responded.

She then just looked ahead with a resolute and enthralled stare. “And in that wondrous place somewhere over the rainbow where the skies are always sunny and blue, there are Leprechauns a plenty, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Because somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there is a land that I heard of, once in a lullaby. I tell you heterosexual male, someday I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that’s where you’ll find me. Because damn it, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly.” At that moment the pack of flying monkeys flew before me up in the sky, heading from the left making quacking sounds as they did. “Blue Birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can’t I? If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow” The gaggle of flying monkeys then went quacking, flying past, up in the sky from the right. “Why…Oh why…Can’t I?” She turned and looked at me, “So I tell you, by God I’m just going to find a different rainbow and when I get there I’ll follow it to the end and there will be Leprechauns too numerous to count and I tell you I won’t land on them and squash them with my house. And I will get my pot of gold and I know this because I truly want it more than anything in this world. And somewhere over the rainbow the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.” She then just stood there, staring out ahead with a hopeful look of determination.

“Gotta say, I do admire your sticktoitiveness. Well you know what, I know you will find that rainbow and you will find your Leprechaun and you’ll get your pot of gold. I’m very happy for you. I wish you the best of luck. Godspeed on your quest.” I proclaimed with admiration.

With that the young woman began happily waving in all directions, joyfully exclaiming, “Goodbye, goodbye everyone. Thank you. I’ll miss you all.” She turned to me “Goodbye heterosexual male stranger I just met and have only known for like two minutes.” She then turned and looked down at the floor of her house, waving with even more emotion than up to that point, speaking tearfully. “And I’ll miss you most of all Leprechaun I never actually met who I squashed with my house.” She then turned and from the doorway she waved out with a beaming smile, Toto standing up from the ground and lazily walking into the house, the young woman stepping inside and closing the door.

And so I just stood there staring at the house awaiting it to take orbit and fly away to that wondrous land where all is perfect and swell and everything always goes well. It did no such thing. It just stayed there on the ground. From inside the house you could hear the young woman’s voice. “Come on…Come on house…Will you fly already?” I just stood there looking upon the house and the house just stood there in no way flying or even moving whatsoever. The young woman’s agitated voice could then be heard inside. “Goddamn stupid useless house. Goddamn stupid non-flying, Leprechaun squashing, non-Kansas exiting friggin house. What the hell are you good for you freakin useless stupid house? Just start flying already.” There was then another pause of silence as I continued to stand there staring at the house which still continued to not move. The young woman’s voice then blared again from within the house with frustration. “Aaaargh! Goddamn stupid house! They say there’s no place like home well I tell you there’s no place like home because there’s no Goddamned place in the world that is so completely useless and incompetent as you are you damn stupid house.”

And so with that I turned and began my journey back to my tiny log cabin. I did so having not found the rainbow or acquired my pot of gold. Some might then see my quest as having been a failure, but you know what, I really didn’t see it that way. For on my quest I had made three very good friends, um, one of whom died, another remained the prey of and a complete victim to his disturbed, self-injurious mind, and the other remained stuck perpetually trapped beneath his forever storm cloud under which he was entirely immobile and rusting and rotting away till one day only a pile of dust. I met a Leprechaun! I also met a really hot lesbian chick. And I saw some monkey’s flying. And on my odyssey I learned many invaluable life lessons that I could apply to my own, and though, no, I did not re-enter that life with my pot of gold, but, by putting those lessons into practice I would be able to improve that life, maybe not by the astronomical leaps and bounds that would have been the case if I had soared somewhere over the rainbow, but still with immeasurable improvements that just never would have been possible had I not entered into my quest this day. Um, ah, admittedly, what any of those life lessons might possibly be entirely escaped me at that moment. Besides, it didn’t matter, for tomorrow was a brand new day and maybe that wouldn’t be the day, and maybe the next wouldn’t be as well, or even the next or the one after that. But some day I would find myself somewhere over the rainbow. I knew it. And there, the dreams that I dared to dream really would come true.

The End