Chapter 9: Confusion
Near the end of one of the Visionary meetings, Ava walked up to me. I could hear her fidgeting.
“Hey, David.”
“Hi Ava.”
“I was wondering if… I mean…” She breathed and started again. “There’s this dance at my school. You know, Kane Academy for the Blind. And there’s this uh… this fair… to raise money for the school, you know, sounds fun. And I was wondering if you wanted to come.”
I paused. Was she asking me out? Nah. It’s probably just a friend thing.
“Yeah, sure, I’d love to come.” Was that too forward? Should I just have said ‘yeah, sure’?
She brightened up a little bit. “It’s on September 23rd, uh, I think that’s a Friday.”
“Okay, I’ll ask my parents.”
“I’ll look forward to seeing you there! Well, not seeing, but, you know…”
I laughed. “Yeah, I know.”
--
“She likes youuuuuu. She really likes youuuuuu,” Lamar teased at lunch.
I punched him in the shoulder. “Shut up, Lame-ar.”
He laughed and punched me. “Don’t call me that, Dave.. uh, David…. Uh…” I laughed as Lamar tried to come up with a clever nickname but couldn’t think of one. But then, all of the sudden, he stopped. I heard footsteps approaching, then stopping, then someone sitting at our table.
“Hey, Ryan,” James said casually. He’d always been better friends with Ryan than Lamar and I.
I didn’t say anything, just sipped from my water bottle. Ryan was next to me; I could feel his arm brushing against mine. I would have moved, but I didn’t. My heart was beating faster than humanly possible.
“Look, David, I just want to say I’m sorry.”
I shrugged. “Okay.”
“I know this is cheesy but… I just really want to be your friend again. I miss having you around.”
“You’re the one that left me,” I reminded him. “I missed having you around, but you never gave a shit.”
I could hear Lamar put down his sandwich very, very quietly. There was a sharp intake of breath.
“I’m just asking for a second chance,” Ryan pleaded.
“Okay, but please don’t be a jerk this time,” I told him.
He was such an asshole, but I love having him around. Why????
--
The fair came sooner than expected. There was a chilly breeze that day, reminding everyone that fall aka allergy season was nearly upon us.
“You’ll be fine if we just dropped you off?” Mom asked anxiously.
“For the third time, yes. I’m nearly 15.”
“Okay, okay. Have fun then.”
I unfolded my cane and listened through all the voices, trying to pick out Ava’s. It was impossible. I was nervous in such an unfamiliar place.
She found me before I found her. “Hey, David, is that you?”
“Oh, hi, Ava.”
“So I was thinking, first we could go on some rides and then maybe have some cotton candy and a hot dog and something fried.” she spoke quickly, practically breathless with excitement.
“What kind of rides are there?”
“Oh, the scariest one is the ferris wheel. But this is a pretty big event for my school.”
“Well, let’s go to the ferris wheel then!”
3 rides and 4 games later, we were sitting in the grass stuffing ourselves with cotton candy and laughing like never before. Ava was such a great friend.
“I love this feeling,” she said. “You know, when it gets chilly but not too chilly, and the air is clear and you just feel amazing.”
“Yeah,” was all I could say.
I could hear her breathing faster than normal. I wondered why she was always so nervous around me, and why she was edging close to me-
Her hand touched mine-
Then she put her arm around my shoulder-
And cuddled up against me-
I couldn’t move or breathe-
I didn’t have those types of feelings for her-
I knew I should, of course I should-
But all I could think of was Ryan-
--
My friends were bothering me again the next day.
“Come on, she obviously likes you”
“Why didn’t you make a move too? You should have made a move”
“For god’s sake you shouldn’t have just sat there”
“You gotta let her know you like her back”
“Now you’ve gone and hurt her feelings”
I sighed, got up, and threw my tray away. Without saying a word, I went and sat in the bathroom stall and held my face in my hands even though no tears came out. Why don’t I like her? Why don’t I like her? She’s perfect, even my parents agree… why can’t I even hold her hand?
The bell rang, and Ryan caught up with me so we could walk to Social Studies together. I felt him there, and I wanted him so badly that it made me sick.
--
“Mom, what do you think of gay people?” I chewed a tough piece of ham.
“David, dear, please don’t talk with food in your mouth,” she answered.
“But what do you think of them?” I swallowed my ham and stared intently at my mom. I wasn’t gonna let this go.
“Well, they… Well, God says… Well, point is, it’s wrong.”
“Wrong?” I could feel my palms getting sweaty.
“What, you’re not gay, are you?” Dad inquired.
“No, I was just curious. There are some gay people in my school.” I tried hard to keep my voice from quivering, then walked to my room, locked the door, and screamed hard into my pillow.
I don’t believe in God or Allah. I’m not Aalam or David. I’m just… nobody.