Chapter 10: ‘Acceptance’

Thursday came way too soon, and Ava was there at the doors waiting for me. After my parents pulled away and it was just me and her, and she seemed eager and I was empty and I knew I had to tell her the truth.

“Ava, listen,” I began. I could hear her breathe in; she was probably smiling with excitement, she probably thought I was going to ask her out. “What happened at the fair, I mean…. I just..." Just say it. Just tell her. I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay. “I’m not attracted to girls.”

“Oh, well some are late bloomers. It;s okay,” she said.

“No, Ava. I like guys.” The wind sped up a bit, like a whole whirlwind of emotions. There was a silence.

“Oh… oh.” She sounded disappointed. Then she held my face in her hands and kissed my chapped lips. I couldn’t breathe.

I had to escape. I had to, I had to, I had to, but Ava wouldn’t let me.

“How did that feel?” her voice was aggressive. Not sweet like it usually was. “I can’t let you get away. You’re my only chance. My only chance at a boyfriend.” She grabbed both my hands and held them tight. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run.

Instead, I ran inside the building and to the boy’s bathroom. I hid in a stall and silently cried for the rest of the hour long meeting.

At the end of the meeting I heard Ava leaving with her mom. I waited until I heard their car pull away to reveal myself. Mom asked how the meeting went and I told her I couldn’t go. No questions asked, I just couldn’t.

What would Ava do to me? Would she rape me? Would she abuse me? Would she use me?

Am I seriously scared of a blind girl??

“Aw, did you break up with your girlfriend?” Mom rolled down the window a bit.

“No, it’s not that. I just don’t like it anymore. It’s boring.”

I love the club. It’s all I have left to connect with blind people. And I blew it.

I imagined myself with Ava, myself not being gay, myself not loving Ryan. I felt so powerless.

I wish I could control who I am.

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My surgery was scheduled for April of next year.

I’d lay on my bed sometimes, thinking about my whole life so far. Thinking about how I was blending in fine with the kids at school (Even though I had a braille keyboard and couldn’t do some things like participate in gym). I thought about my parents, my adoptive parents, and how they really did love me for who I was. I felt my grandmother’s hands on my head, her words so soft and so powerful…. Never forget me, Aalam…. I will always be here with you…. I remembered The Visionaries club and how much I missed it. I felt the wind in my hair and Ava holding my head in her hands, I remembered how it felt when she kissed me, how I felt threatened, how I never even stood up to her.

I thought about Ryan.

I wonder what he looks like.

Is he strong, muscular?

Does he look like me?

Is he taller than me?

Will he love me?

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