Breathe.

I push back the tears. Try to stop thinking the thoughts that always bring the tears back. I regain control of myself, measuring my breathing. In, out, in, out. I focus on the chair I sit in. I Feel the smoothness of the wood. It helps me calm down. Focus on the facts, focus on the cold, hard facts, I remind myself.

I am in the waiting room of a hospital. I barely remember how I got here. It's all a blur of loud noises and blinking lights. We were driving and laughing, and then we were spinning, and it went in slow motion, but it moved so quickly.

I am losing control of myself. I must stop thinking. I look around. There is a picture of a sunset over a still lake on the wall to my left. The carpet is rough. Keep breathing in, out, in, out. The walls are whiter than snow. The air smells clean and sterile. I don't think time passes here.

There are three other people around me. One lady who looks to be in her mid-forties, sitting and calmly reading a magazine. Nothing is wrong, I tell myself. That lady is calm. If something was wrong she wouldn't be calm. My hands shake. I feel the tears start coming back. I grip the chair tighter to stop my hands from shaking. I can't feel the scratches on my arm. I'm almost surprised to see them there.

Focus, focus I tell myself. Be strong. The other two people in the waiting room seem to be waiting together, father and son, they do not speak. They sit in tense, strained silence. They are both taking deep breaths. They seem anxious and worried. They look exactly how I feel. Their pieces clinging together just long enough to know if whoever they are worried about will be okay or not. Apart from everything. Drifting in uncertainty. The waiting. The wondering. Not knowing is torture, but knowing could be worse. Steady I tell myself. Breathe in and out. Be strong, be strong! The tears well up in my eyes. It would be a relief to cry, but I refuse to let myself give in. I am stronger than this. That's what she always said, before... before the accident. Before our worlds came crashing down. I can't stop the tears anymore, they flow freely from my eyes. It's too late to stop them now.

My breathing becomes unsteady hiccups and my hands began to shake uncontrollably. I resist the urge to cry out. The other people in the waiting room look at me, with pity, with understanding. The door opens and a nurse walks in. I am filled with dread when I see her face. She is certainly the bearer of bad news. She is walking towards me. It takes all the strength I have left in me to stay in my seat, not to flee, and yet I couldn't move if I tried. She walks past me. She walks over to the old man and his son. Their faces as she talks to them are unbearable to see. The agony and pain in their eyes. For a moment I forget why I am here, as I feel the world of the man and his son crumbling beneath them, their lives falling apart. The father puts his head in his hands. The son bangs his fist against the arm rest of the chair. And then I remember again. Remember that any moment I may be getting the same news. None of it feels real. I wonder if I will react like the father and son. I don't know. I feel so numb all of a sudden. Separated.

The man and his son get up and leave the room, their arms around each other, struggling to hold the other together as they fall apart. I think about how any moment that could be me, but I will have to walk out alone. I will have to hold my own pieces together. But I am strong. I will be ok,  I keep repeating it, trying to make it true. My hands keep shaking and I can't stop crying. I try to breathe in, out, but I can't stop hiccupping. The door opens again and another nurse comes in. her face is unreadable, she is older. Her face is cold. She's done this before, many times before. Suddenly I don't want to know. I can't bear to know what has happened. I would rather wait here forever, with just a shred of hope then have that hope taken away. I shrink back from the nurse.

She comes over to me, "Miss, I am so sorry. We did everything we could for her." Her words blur together, like trying to see through tears. I can't hear what she says next. I find myself falling, everything becomes a blur. I don't know what's happening. I am dizzy. One sentence keeps repeating in my head. She is dead. She is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. It fades to a dull hum. My whole body aches. I cannot stop shaking. I don't know where I am or what's happening, but I feel myself being lifted up and gently laid down. I wish everything would go away. I want to die. Oblivion sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world. I hear snatches of conversation but it sounds muted and faraway. People are around me, I see bits of blue and white but everything is a blur, and then I close my eyes again and let everything slip away.

~E.L.~