To be an ant.

A piece of mulch pokes my foot bringing my run to a stop. I yank off my tennis shoe and empty it. I watch the hole for my foot until the piece falls out.

Pushing my foot in I squeeze it through till my shoe pops on, nobody here knows I can’t tie yet.

I stand up and brush off the shorts my sister used to wear. I look at the playground around me and smile very big.

This place is good, I am safe here. He’s gone now. I silently thank God that my mom brought us here, she tells me God is always listening. She also said because of God we are here, safe. I like being safe.

I remember the last time he hurt me and tears burn my eyes, I don’t want to cry.

I run really fast to the swing and jump on it using the chains on each side to sit in place.

I push off hard with my feet.

1. Swing with my legs back and forth.

2. Start to lean forwards and backwards with my body.

3. Lean my head back and let my hair hang upside down.

4. Hang on!

The feeling hits me, right in my tummy. I swing my head back up and laugh. I love the swingswet. I take another look around me, recess is fun everywhere, I think.

A group of girls catch my eye at the tree and I decide to be brave.

“Hi! May I play too? You all look like you’re having fun!” I repeat it in my head, “Hi! May I play too? You all look like you’re having fun!” I even practice whispering it, walking really slowly all the way over to the tree. I hold my fists really tight and keep my chin up. I only have to be brave for ten seconds!

Here it is, the tallest girl looks up at me. The other two turn and do the same. I get excited, scared and then excited again.

“Hi! Um, I’m Hanne, I’m new here. It looks you’re having fun,” I stop, my hands are all shaky. I don’t think they like me. They don’t like me. “I was just wondering if, um, you’d like to play. I mean if I could - ”

“Bye.” The tallest one said it.

“Uh” I turn and walk away, digging into my pockets. There’s that feeling again. My throat starts to hurt and my chest feels heavy. I walk to the border of the jungle gym and sit on the wall that keeps all of the mulch in. My tears are falling but I don’t care. I know this feeling.

I don’t know these people and they already don’t care about me. That hurts.

Why does everything has to hurt? Will it get better? I stare at an ant that has a piece of food. I watch the ant crawl to its hill and go inside.

I wish I were an ant.