Attempts

I

the first time i chased death

to ask him 

why it was like this

it was a bottle of rubbing alcohol

a sip pulling against my lips

the cool burn on my taste buds

like vodka 

if it was trying to kill you

and death told me to try again

i wasn't ready for the answer

II

the second time 

i was in my backyard

and i thought of how judas 

felt what he had done

i wondered if the knives 

under my ribcage

would hurt

the monsters 

if i pulled them out

i felt a lions claws on my hip

like three months prior

i felt the way my insides 

were left empty

and the sharp marks across 

hipbones

and thighs

i asked death again

in a message under 

a bottle of hydrocodone

a few white pills that slipped

one by one

down my throat

11 total

after death left me alone to think

and the hospital dragged the life back in me 

i told them it would never happen again

III

i was being pulled 

in every direction

and no one was listening to the screams 

plaguing my sleep

i screamed one last time and said 

done

I was empty

of feeling

of hope

of care

Apathy handed me 40 pills

and down they went

every pill I could find

was filling the emptiness

i was made to tell

and damn did i fight and scream and sobb

i fussed until a needle was stuck in my arm for a week

and I still felt numb

this time i wasn't looking for death

but he found me

and told me 

the truth