How To Be Me: Pool Party Edition

I've had a couple of pretty embarrassing stories in my mere 16 years of pathetic existence in this equally pathetic world. From skirts flying over my head to my boobs hanging out in the open - you name it, I've been there. However, there is absolutely nothing - and I mean, nothing - that can compare to what happened in the pool party of 2008.

It was your regular ol' summer day in the Philippines, all hot and humid. My neighbor - let's call him Fuckface - decided to beat the heat and invited me and my friends to go swimming in his front yard. He had this really big inflatable pool and it was about a foot deep. So that afternoon, he knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to tag along in this pool party exhibition of his.  With me being a swimming enthusiast, I said hell yeah with no hesitation. After I grabbed a swimsuit, he and I went knocking on our neighbor's doors and asked them to join in on the fun.

After a few minutes of friend searching, we ended up having 5 kids in the group, including us. Let's call our three additional friends, A, B, and C (I know I'm so creative with names.) So all of us went to this kid's house and set up the giant pool. I was in charge of filling it. In other words, I was the one in charge of holding the hose while the other motherfuckers swam around like a bunch of frogs in a pond.

While I was filling it, A was standing next to me. He was hopping from foot to foot and his face was pale and tight. I asked him what got in his panties and he just kept hopping like a bunny on cocaine. Ignoring him, I went on with my task of being an inanimate hose-holding object. (Why? Because my friends were dicks and I was a pushover.) 

In a few minutes, the whole pool was filled to the brim and I was all ready to dip in and soak my sweaty body on the water. Then suddenly, mothafucking A jumped into the water - yes, he jumped into a foot-deep inflatable pool - dragging me along with his fat ass. I landed face first on the water with A on top of me, clutching onto my thin body like an obese koala on a stick. 

Then he started screaming. 

Turns out, our little genius broke his damn ankle in the process of trying to cannonball into the pool. He was screaming a creative string of profanity through the flabs of his cheeks as he held his teeny tiny foot near him. I was till pretty much wrapped up around his arms, with my head a few inches above the water and his arm over me, trapping my body underneath.

A few seconds later, we started to smell something. Friend C started joking about shit and whatnot when all of a sudden, good ol' Fuckface screams out: "OH MY GOD SHE [that would be me] SHAT IN THE POOL!" All of a sudden, all 4 of them - including the ever-genius A - hopped off the pool to witness the carnage. 

Turns out there was a turd the size of my fist sitting right beside my skinny butt, discoloring the water surrounding it. I stood up, and there was shit on my bottom and on my thighs, and even some on my hair, damn man, shit was everywhere. Shit literally got real. It wasn't til I got home (after much embarrassment, of course) that I concluded that A had, in fact, shat his stupid self while he was screaming in agony. Why did Fuckface blame it on me? I don't know. That's why I call him Fuckface. And although it obviously wasn't me who turned the pool party into a poop party, they would never let me live it down. 

Needless to say, that was the last time I ever hung out with them again.