Autobiographical

I told my shrink, who is the smartest person I know, about the time I told a room of my friends the joke that the Vision told to his wife a joke.

"I said, 'I never really cared about the vision until he got his own comic'" I said to my shrink.

I said "'He builds himself a family and live a normal life, you know because he's lonely as a robot or whatever, and it goes about as well as you'd expect' I said."

"I said, 'After his wife kills a boy on accident because his father tried to make them leave the neighborhood, they're in bed." I said.

"''Two toasters are sitting on the counter, and one toaster turns to the other. 'what do you think is the meaning of our existence' it says.' he said' I said" I said to my shrink.

“My god! It’s a talking toaster!’ It said’ he said’ I said” I said.

And the Vision’s wife turned to him and smiled. My friends all smiled. My shrink smiled. I smiled, twice. It wasn’t a particularly funny joke, but everyone smiled anyway. We were all just glad to have a toaster to talk to.

---

So this guy wants to be a superhero and he goes down to Avenger’s mansion to sign up. When he gets there, Jarvis the butler greets him, and he says:

“I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Jarvis tells him he can’t be a superhero if he doesn’t have any powers, so he says he’ll come back when he has powers.

So this guy goes out and gets some sketchy mad scientist to experiment on him so he gets super strength, and he goes back to Avenger’s mansion and he says:

“I’ve got super strength and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Jarvis tells him to go right on in.

So this guy walks into the front room and Hawkeye is sitting there reading ’Archers Quarterly” or something ridiculous like that, and Hawkeye asks the guy who he is, and the guy says:

“I’ve got super strength and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Hawkeye tells him that it’s not all about super strength. To be a superhero, you have to actually be a hero, so he tells the guy to go save some people.

So this guy goes out and saves some people from a rampaging Rhino Guy or something, and he comes back to Avenger’s mansion, and when he gets to the lobby Jarvis is there, and Jarvis’s eyesight is getting pretty bad in his old age, so he doesn’t recognise the guy and he asks who he is, and the guy says:

“I’ve got super strength and I used it to stop the Rhino Guy and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Jarvis tells him to go right on in.

So this guy goes into the front room of the mansion again, and there’s Hawkeye still reading his magazine, and he stop the guy, and the guy says:

“I’ve got super strength, and I used it to stop the Rhino Guy and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Hawkeye tells him to go right on in.

So this guy heads into the mansion proper and he bumps into Iron man in the hall who is on his way to a meeting or something. Now, sure Hawkeye is a superhero, but Iron man is a big deal and this guy is kinda starstruck and he asks for Iron Man’s autograph, and Iron man gives it because he loves the attention, and while he’s signing he asks the guy where he’s headed and the guy says:

“I’ve got super strength, and I used it to stop the Rhino guy, and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Iron man, who is kind of a jerk in addition to being a sucker for attention, laughs at the guy and tells him he never would have known. He tells this guy he needs to get a rad costume if he’s going to be a superhero.

So this guy goes out and shops around and has a tailor cut him a cape and so forth and he comes back with a rad costume, and he goes back to the mansion, and there’s Jarvis, who if he can’t recognise the guys without a costume sure as heck doesn’t know who the guy is in red tights and a cape, so he asks who the guy is and the guy says:

“I’ve got super strength, and I used it to stop the Rhino guy, and as you can see I have a rad costume, and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Jarvis tells him to go right on in.

So the guy goes into the front room, and Hawkeye’s still there reading his magazine and he’s sees this guy in the tights and has no idea who he is, and so he asks him who he is, and the guy says:

I’ve got super strength, and I used it to stop the Rhino guy, and as you can see I have a rad costume, and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Hawkeye tells him to go right on in.

So the guy heads in and Iron man is coming out of his meeting and and sees this guy in the whole getup and because he’s kind of a jerk asks the guy who he is just to make him feel inadequate. Well the guy is pretty hyped at this point, really feeling like a superhero, so he puffs out his chest and says:

“I’ve got super strength, and I used it to stop the Rhino guy, and as you can see I have a rad costume, and I’m here to be a superhero!”

So the guy keeps on going and he realizes he has no idea where he’s headed. He takes the first door he sees and he ends up in this super science lab, and there’s this guy in a lab coat leaning into this glowy green stuff and when the guy walks in, this scientist turns around all angry, and his eyes are glowing green, and he asks the guy what he wants. Now, this guy knows his super heroes, he’s into this stuff and that’s why he wants to be one, so he knows this guy is Bruce Banner the Hulk and if he gets mad all hell could break loose, so he explains himself. He says:

“I’ve got super strength and I used it to stop of the Rhino guy, and as you can see I have a rad costume, and I’m here to be a superhero!”

And Banner, because he’s a scientist, just looks at this guy, and he tells him there’s no way. See Super heroes deal with some weird shit on a daily basis, and Banner tells him; if he wants to play in the big leagues he’s going to have to understand what he’s dealing with, and that’s some pretty advanced science.

So the guy thanks him, and he leaves, and he thinks for a bit on how he’s going to handle this one. So he applies to a bunch of universities, hangs up the suit, and eventually gets accepted to one. After years of study he finally gets his degree in advanced particle physics, and he busts out the suit again, gets it tailored again because at this point he’s grown a bit, and heads back down to Avengers mansion.

Of course after all these years, the Avengers have moved to Avenger’s tower, so the new owner of the mansion tells him that and he heads off again.

When he gets to the tower, Jarvis is there to meet him, only it isn’t the kickass old butler, it’s a creepy hologram of the old butler. It’s cool in that super science kind of way, but creepy because it’s almost too real. Anyway, the hologram asks him this pre-recorded message about who he is and why he’s there, and the guy says: