Bad For Good

* I had wanted to enter this in the weekly challenge, but sadly, am too broke of coins to do so.

I cannot remember when I saw you for the last time. I know it's been well over thirty years, but the time and place escape me. Your face, your hair, your body, you walking away will forever hold their place in my memory, though. I also remember you left me with the divorce papers. 

Our marriage was short -two years- but I had not been faithful since long before the wedding. Our scared yet silent hearts knew we were doomed, but neither one of us was brave enough to admit it, at least out loud. 

Faithful. Such depth of meaning. So many possible nuanced meanings; I clearly had yet to grasp any of them. I had no faith to fall back on, so how could I have been expected to be faithful - I was faithless - unfaithful.

I know you knew what I was up to - the late, late nights and exhaustion, the smell on my clothes, the vague and lame excuses, the outright lies, always broke - cellophane cliches. 

The pain I feel over my transgressions will eternally burn, for these are wounds that will never heal. You deserved so much better and I now know you found it in another man and two fine boys, now fine young men. I can't fault you for never wanting children with me; seems I was destined to be a bad husband, let alone a father - at least we agreed on that.

I barely cared when you left me - I had my other comforts. I scarecly felt it when you divorced me - I thought I had true love just down the street.

 I am not sure when losing you hit me, or did losing myself hit harder? Either way, it's all a muddled, blurry, mess. But I guess that is all a drunk deserves.

I am sorry