I don’t know

The t.v. puts out expectations of how I'm supposed to look. What my social life is supposed to be like. It tries to tell me how I'm supposed to be, and I can't always fight it off. The t.v., and the radio, and magazines and billboards, they all send out little messages that infiltrate into my head and try to swallow up my soul.

I spend a lot of time being fake. I don't quite know why. I try and figure out what I'm supposed to be. Like I'm some character in a story. I try and figure out what I'm supposed to say to be the type of character that I want to be. I try and figure out what I'm supposed to say to make people like me. I don't ever think about what I want to say. I don't know what I want to say anymore. I want to be true to myself but I don't know how to do that anymore. I don't know myself anymore.

If you spend all your time being fake, does the fake you become the real you? After years of being fake I'm starting to wonder if there's any going back. The real me didn't get to grow up. I spent all my developing years trying to shove the real me down. And at some point when I wasn't paying attention, the real me stopped trying to get back up.

And now I can't find me anymore. Do I still exist.

Sometimes, I see glimpses of myself. I'll be talking to someone and think, this feels right. I like what I'm saying, I'm not thinking about what I'm saying it's just coming out, and it feels right. Do some people feel like this all the time. It's such a rare thing for me.

Years of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say. What I'm supposed to look like. How I'm supposed to feel. And now I don't feel at all.

Is there a way to bring myself back to life. Or am I gone forever, replaced by my own warped Frankenstein version of myself.