Weighted

I once saw a grand clock made by a man from repurposed materials, the mechanical bits were forged with the original intent to become that clock but the ornamental parts had been gathered from this and that. It was art and beauty, form and function, it had both a genuine purpose but was also intended to capture the eye of the passer by. I must have stared at that clock for an hour and it made me wonder because a clock such as this reminded me of a person, and I thought about how my perception could be so very different from the next person who's eye had been caught. There was the body, though large and solid it had exquisite curves and detail and depending on the angle of your view it could seem different. The face changed as the day progressed from the seriousness of the day to the whimsy of the night. The pendulum sat motionless deep in the clocks center, it was a beautiful blooming upside down rose complete with vibrant red petals and its thorny stem disappearing into the brain of the clock. I was struck with a feeling of sadness as I realized that this beautiful rose pendulum was the soul of the clock and without it being in motion the clock was not living but simply being. 

I am a grand clock, my pendulum is my authentic self. I have spent my entire life with a motionless pendulum, standing dormant I have not lived. The funny thing about a pendulum is it only requires the slightest nudge, a small act of acceptance for it to start swinging into action and once it has begun it will continue in motion until you choose to make it stop. To deny the pendulum is to deny your very soul and thus live a life that isn't really living. I'm Shae and it's been two and a half years since I nudged. I match the swing of my pendulum to the rhythmic beat of my heart and it is strong and steady. The day I looked into the mirror and stared into my fears making the decision to stop fighting who I was and instead to start fighting to have the life that I or anyone deserves was only the tiniest act of acceptance but what it set into motion was a drive inside me that cannot be stopped, even if I wanted. My presentation is evolving, my mannerisms are evolving, my life is changing in almost every way but that beat and swing are constant and soon I'll be ready to catch some eyes. You can't imagine how it feels to have a weighted soul and how much relief comes from a tiny nudge.