What Else to Say
I am 21 years old and it feels like everyone I know wants
to hurt themselves.
And there are some days my name is at the top of that list.
They ask me why – why should I keep living?
And I really don’t have an answer for them.
I wish I did. I don’t know what else to say.
I am 21 years old and everyone I know wants to kill themselves,
but they all claim no one understands
while standing together on the same ledge, practically holding hands.
The image of their brains on the pavement is like a siren song.
So entranced,
they don’t notice the line forming behind them.
I am 21 years old and everyone I know
thinks I don’t know what they’re doing
when they walk down the highway in the dark, wearing black.
We just had another funeral on Thursday.
No note.
I don’t even know where he got the gun.
I think he knew any note he could have written would have been
our manifesto – the catalyst
everyone I know has been waiting for.
I am just 21 years old and I want to kill myself too. But I can’t stand
the idea of my mother
wondering where I got the gun. Why I didn’t leave a note.
Maybe this was his message to us, the curse
of knowing every painful emotion
our loved ones will go through when we leave them.
And if God really doesn’t exist, I’m going to feel
pretty goddamn stupid
when I kill myself. So that’s what I tell them:
When they ask me why they should stay alive
in this shit-eating world
where they can’t even afford groceries, let alone compassion.
I am just 21 years old, I tell them. I’m no psychic.
But I know there is nothing waiting for you
on the other end of suicide. That much, I can tell you.
I know your mother is going to bawl her eyes out
and I’m going to have to watch.
And for that, I will never forgive you.
I know you won’t be around to enjoy
the peace and quiet
you yearned for. You will simply be gone.
I know my life will never be the same without you.
That’s about the most I can give you.
Please, please take care of yourself. I don’t know what else to say.