Seventeen

"I wanna rock your gypsy soul,

just like way back in the days of old

And together we will flow into the mystic"

~ Van Morrison

The song hits me where it hurts tonight, reaching places I needed to find. Tears flow, and I wish that I was 17 again screaming these words out the window of my old beat up Benz driving down country backroads. Wild auburn hair blowing in the warm Texas breeze, wind burnt, sun burnt, yet so fresh and new. I can't go back physically, but I can find that place in time forever. I can sing and remember and pretend that I'm that girl again- the one who didn't give a fuck, who thought she was invincible, who felt beautiful, alive and free. She was free of regret and responsibility, she just didn't know it. Free of the chains that come with all of the things she was chasing- the things she thought she needed. There was nothing stopping her, so she didn't stop. She got those things she was chasing, but in return she lost herself.

I don't know what happened to her...one day she was there, and then suddenly she vanished. I reminisce of our time together and try to dig deep to see if I can still feel her. Bits and pieces of her come to me in bursts of beautiful memories that bring rivers of silent tears, memories of a time when life really was like a song. She is the soundtrack to my life. I find her sometimes lost in a memory, deep inside. I beg her to come back- even for a little while. We sing the songs, dance the dances, twirl, laugh and cry until it's time for her to leave me again.

"Everything dies, baby that's a fact,

But maybe everything that dies some day

Comes back.

Put your makeup on,

Fix your hair up pretty,

And meet me tonight in Atlantic City"

~ The Band

I Hold on to her,

Smell her, I touch her hair.

I Tell her she's so beautiful,

Her voice is lovely,

The body she's sometimes afraid of?

Embrace it, it's gorgeous.

The loud voice of reason that she uses,

Even in the face of opposition?

It's the greatest tool she'll ever have.

The boy that made her cry?

Forget him.

I tell her she'll always love him but greater loves will come.

We hold on to the moment.

She fades away deep in my soul,

She's gone.

The world keeps turning without her,

it's just me again.

With each spin

she's one day further away from me.

The records keep spinning

and I wait for our moment in time.

Until next time, you 17 year old gypsy soul.

Everything changes, but you're the only thing that stays the same. Come back soon.