Dungeons and Dragons Adventures: Adolf, Adam Sandler, and the Queen

((A series made up entirely of the best moments of my D&D experience. In this particular piece, I'm DMing for two of my friends, and later two other guys. Certain parts have been censored for the sake of making sure I don't get banned. Thank you, and enjoy!)) 

It was a dark time. Yes, indeed, a feeling of unease and uncertainty had settled over the land-- However, as a fine Ruler of her people, this feeling only affected the Duchess and her closest subjects. The people went on with their daily activities, ignorant to the trouble brewing just beyond the horizon. Only a day and a half's ride away from the bustling Fiefdom of Rudma was a Wizard's tower, a lengthy magically fabricated monolith of stone and mortar looming over the poor fools like a cloud of doom. Two watchmen were struck dead within an instant. An indescribable amount of pure, white-hot energy had blasted down from the tower and reduced the men, and all of their gear, to ashes. The others ran off in an unorganized upheaval of order and discipline. They returned to their Ruler, drenched in sweat and animalistic fear bright in their eyes. Despite the shame of their retreat in those green woods, all that truly matter was the tale they had lived to tell.

The Queen couldn't amass a force to strike out against the Wizard for two important reasons-- First, she had too precious few capable soldiers as it was. The death of her late father had left her in charge of more than she'd been properly prepared for at the tender age of 15. Second, she refused to cause a panic among the people. Gathering a force against the Wizard would not only make her subjects fearful, but it would also leave their fiefdom empty of able bodies-- Yet another cause for unrest among the common folk. And, so, a plan began to form within her mind... 

Our heroes... Yes, yes, let us call them heroes. For they are nothing less than mythical beings who bring about wrought justice with every action they take, inspiring hope and joy into the hearts and minds of all those who witness their greatness. Our heroes were escorted to the Duchess' throne room, an honor unknown to lowly mercenaries. Although, despite this being an early chapter in our heroes' careers, they were not without their merit. It was clear early on that these two men were cut from a different cloth than the others. 

"Get your fuckin' hands off me, you damn dirty apes!" Adolf growled. Light in build and handsome by nature, Adolf was a half-elf and hated himself for it. As far as he was concerned, all elves, orcs, and Dragonborne could burn. He'd likely be the one with the gasoline and torch, anyhow. 

"Oh, wait, you aren't apes. JUST FUCKING ASSHOLES!" He roared, still struggling in the guard's arms. Of course, it was quickly made known to Adolf that no one was holding him, and that he was simply being lead toward the Duchess. No force involved at all. 

Thokk, the Orc barbarian, looked about the throne room as the pair were brought before the Duchess, sitting on her grand throne. With little success, he attempted to figure out the best way to literally fuck any and everything up to the best of his ability. Well, to be fair, he tried. But, no, I didn't allow him to attack her highness or any of her guards. So, he was simply shit outta luck as things currently stood. Adolf leaned over to his companion. "I don't like your kind, Nigg-" Adolf began, whispering harshly. Suddenly, the Queen interrupted for no reason in particular.

"Champions! I do hear that the two of you are the best that our humble fiefdom has produced. 'The finest mercenaries in all the land,' they say! Quite impressive." The Duchess regarded them respectfully. Of course, Adolf had already begun using his amazing abilities of perception to best feel out the situation. 

"Alright, is she black or what, dude?" Jacob, Adolf's player,  asks, pizza grease smeared all around his mouth and hands. 

"Jacob, please, the-" 

"Is she black?" 

"... Yeah. Yeah, she's black." 

"You listen here, [FULLY INDEPENDANT AND STRONG-WILLED DARK SKINNED INDIVIDUAL], I don't work with your kind. You got me?" Adolf pronounced proudly, happy to get his way. I looked to Thokk's player, wondering if he had any valuable RP lines to add to the already rich tapestry weaved so skillfully. Still, I wouldn't allow him to rape or kill anyone within the room, she he was silent for the moment. 

"500 gold pieces will be promised to the both of you for taking on this task. It is a momentous one, I assure you. I have a map here--" The Duchess began, pulling a worn parchment out from her robes, preparing to explain the details of their situation and what needed to be done. 

"Shut up, {INTELLIGENT AND WELL-ROUNDED FEMALE ROYALTY FIGURE], I'll do whatever you want. But you're next." Adolf pronounces, swiping the map from out of her hands. 

"Wait, are you sure you don't want to hea-" 

"SHUT UP, CUNT!" Adolf cries, sprinting out of the door. At this point, a strong headache has drilled its way into the back of my head. I look to Thokk slowly, prepared to ask him what he'd like to do. 

"Gonna follow him?" 

A long moment of silence overtook us all as he decided what he felt the proper exit should be. Thokk suddenly crashed his way through one of the many stained glass windows within the keep, falling four stories below to a cobblestone street. He dusts himself off, unharmed despite every instinct in my mind begging me to make him roll fall damage, and maybe even making up some bullshit about Adolf being right below him, the fall coincidentally killing them both. Of course, instead of going to bed early that night, Thokk landed just fine. He laughed heartily and made his way to Adolf's side. The journey had begun.

"Right... Let's- Let's take a break, guys." 

END OF PART 1