Good, and Not so Good Mother’s Day

Mother's Day, a holiday that some enjoy immensely, and others loathe. Sadness strikes those who have lost a mother, especially when it is a recent loss.  Anger comes from those who have tried for years to become a mother with no success.  Joy for those that have children of their own, or a great relationship with their own mother or mother like figure.  For me, I have a mix of emotions.  

I am a mother of seven wonderful boys.  I love them so much, and they are a great blessing.  They have brought many joys and sorrows to my life.  My children come with many challenges related to their special needs, but the love and joy they bring far out weigh any hardships we have had to endure.  In the mix of the seven children, I have had four miscarriages.  The first miscarriage happened after my third child. Doctors and friends tell you that it happens very often, and even though that may be true, nothing can describe the hurt and pain of losing a child through miscarriage.  I will forever remember those sweet angels.  

With the amount of love and joy I have for my children, it makes it very hard to deal with the relationship I have with my own mother.  Anyone who knows me knows how hurt I have been by my mom, and how much pain it causes me.  Even though my mother has done some horrible things to me, I still love her which makes things so much harder to deal with.  I still buy my mother a present for mothers day, but when I look for cards at the store or online, I can not buy most of them, because what they say would be a lie.  My Dad passed away when I was fifteen years old.  I tried to be close to my mom.  I was married at seventeen and moved away from home.  When I moved, I tried to keep in touch with my mom.  Even after moving away, the hurt continued to come.  Phone calls became more hurtful, but I just did not give up.  I continued to try and work on my relationship.  I finally backed off on trying, but not until I had my first miscarriage.  I then learned that I did not have to continue to let my mother hurt me, and that I needed to focus on my own family and being a good mother to my children.  

Now as the years have gone by, the thoughts of my mother continue to come up and cause me sadness often.  The worst part of all of it, is my mother has not attempted to get to know my children.  She does not talk to them, does not visit them, and even when my oldest was very sick and could have died, she still did not come.  My children to not know who she is and probably would not recognize her if they saw her.  It makes me so very sad.  I don't know what to do now.  My third son is now almost eight years old.  Time and hurt are still there and the pain overshadows every Mother's Day.  I love my mom very much and hope that one day, we may have a better relationship, but I also understand that it may never happen.

For now, I am choosing to focus on my amazing children, and being the best mother for them.  Their love is such a blessing for me.  I have many hand made cards and crafts that I will cherish for years.  I hope they know how much I love them, and I will do what I can to ensure that I remain a part of their lives as long as I am able.  My oldest just turned eleven!  They grow so quickly.  I look forward to all the years to come.