Talking it Out.

The precise thing that is on my mind is something I am trying to get OFF my mind. But everyone knows that the more you try not to think of something, the more you inevitably think about it.

I am trying to get over a recent heartbreak. He was only the second man I ever truly loved, and my first love was over a decade ago. Pretty heavy stuff for me.

I have my good days, and I have my bad days. Most of my good days are days I feel satisfied and fulfilled in my work. The bad days are usually the ones where I have adequate time to ruminate, or run into things that remind me of him, or (ironically) when I am with friends, which I don't quite understand, except there is that companionship that I have with them that I had with him that is no longer there, and being with close friends reminds me of that? I'm not sure.

I went on a coffee date today with a guy I met online recently. It went really well. I am trying to maintain a balance of "I should not let a previous heartbreak keep me from dating other people and meeting new people" and "I should not just date as a distraction from my pain," you know? Some dates remind me of how awful I feel without him, and other dates actually go well. This date went well. I feel good about it. Ironically enough, we talked a lot about mindfulness, and being present, which keeps us from being "too inside our own heads" and therefore ceasing to be in the here-and-now, fully engaged in the present moment. It was nice to talk to a like-minded person, both spiritually and intellectually, whether it goes anywhere or not.

I wonder if I should feel guilty for dating. Dating when my heart is still healing. I don't want to block people out and ruminate on my loss, but I don't want to go all out and date when it could potentially be just to distract myself from the pain. It takes discernment to tell exactly what it is, in each situation, I am actually doing.

In all honesty, I am better off now than I was a month-ish ago. I feel more ready to meet new people than I did then. But I am not fully healed.

Someone said that it's not just time that heals all wounds (I'm not sure I believe that, anyway) but that time WITH adequate self-reflection, growth, and maturity lends itself to a more holistic healing.

What's more, I'm actually kind of tired of dating. I still would like to meet someone, but I'm tired of going through the process of meeting someone, seeing if we click, revealing myself, eventually disclosing more sensitive material (flaws, issues, etc.), and then seeing if we want to be in a relationship, stay friends, keep dating, or never see them again. It can feel like an exhausting, tedious process, especially when you're over it, due to either lots of bad dates, or a broken relationship, like my previous one. Or being 30 and still single when you've went out with tons of guys, trying to see if anything can work with them. Dating is about being yourself up front, sure, but I also feel like it's so performance-based, at least initially, and that is one reason I am so over it. I am tired of the motions.

I never said I wasn't a woman chock full of contradictions.

That is what is currently on my ever-complicated mind, and has been for a while.