Letter to my younger self since my children won’t listen and I won’t force myself upon them.

Guess what, kiddo? I know you think you’ve got a good grip on things right now, but I want to give you some heads up of what’s to come if you stay on the path you are now. Don’t worry; it’s not all gloom and doom. In fact, some of it is pretty wonderful. But, you’ll have to make the right decisions and follow your heart. If you find yourself writing a note like this in 20 years, then I haven’t necessarily failed, but I did not impress upon you what I hoped I would.

You know how you never feel good enough? For your parents, for the person you’re with, for your job, and so on? Guess what? It won’t get better as you get older unless you figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. I let myself get talked out of being a teacher, even though it was something I truly wanted to do. I never finished my degree because of choices I made that I felt restricted me from doing what I wanted to. But only because I allowed myself to think this was; I cut my nose off to spite my face. I don’t necessarily regret the decisions because I wouldn’t be where I am today and have the life I do, but there are certain aspects I would definitely change if given the opportunity.

Stop worrying about your weight and your appearance. All it will do is drive you insane. My teeth are completely ruined because I was so desperate to lose weight that I didn’t do what was necessary to protect them in my early 20’s. If something is bothering you that badly, get your ass up off the couch and take a walk. Eat 2 pieces of pizza instead of 3. Quit blaming yourself but also giving yourself permission to say, “I don’t give a shit.” You will never be perfect in your own eyes. Try your best to be happy with what you have, and go from there.

Don’t be a whore. I know this sounds ridiculous, obvious, and asinine, but there are many different ways one can be a whore. Not only sleeping with random people, either. Don’t allow yourself to be taken by somebody simply because they show you some attention. Don’t seek out people that you KNOW either aren’t available or that you have no business pursuing for whatever reasons. If someone is truly interested in you and worth your time and effort, you won’t have to give everything up immediately; they will pursue you. Don’t accept someone just because they are physically there. There is SO much more to life than the physical side. On the other hand, the physical side is important too, so don’t do things that you will either regret, or things that you won’t be able to let go of to enjoy your present and future.

Try new things. Experiment. Get to know what you like and don’t like. Don’t follow the crowd. If you want to shave your head just to see what it feels like, do it. Sing karaoke, go to strip clubs, go to a Rocky Horror show where they dress up and scream at the screen; get a tattoo in a place that no one can see unless you show them, skinny dip in a lake, and sleep under the stars in the bed of a truck. Do all this before you feel as though you can’t because of responsibilities or social propriety.

Give yourself credit. You are smarter than you believe. That doesn’t mean walk around with a swelled head thinking you’re the next Einstein of your generation. But you do know some things, and will continue to learn and grow as time goes on.

Try your best to trust people. You have been burned, and if you choose the path I did, you will get burned MANY, MANY more times. It sucks, but it’s true. However, you don’t want to wind up like me; only one person in the world that you trust with “most” of your secrets and innermost thoughts, and one that you’ve shared most everything with, but still keep things back from them. It’s a lonely life when you don’t let people in. On the other hand, DO be careful what you share and with who. Not everybody in life has the same ideas, aspirations, likes, dislikes, and desires you do. Not for fear of offending anyone, but to keep yourself from getting butt-hurt if the reject you. Just mind your P’s and Q’s.

Just because someone says they love you doesn’t mean they are meant for you. There are SO many different types of love. And though they might temporarily fill the hole in your heart, you need to make sure they are really for you, and not just there to satisfy something that is missing within yourself. As hard as it is, you need to learn to love yourself. If you can be happy with yourself, then at that point you should look to bring someone else into the fold. If you don’t protect your heart, no one else will. Each piece that you give away means your heart will be smaller for the next person you try to share it with.

Try honesty. Though the truth may hurt someone, it’s only going to hurt you in the end if you keep things back, deny yourself the truth, or must constantly remember what you’ve said to whom and when. Living a life in shadows is not a life worth living at all, and you’re worth more than that.

Don’t agree to things just to make the people around you happy. They may be happy, but if it’s not what you want, you will be MISERABLE. Learn to stand up for yourself; learn how to say NO. The only people you have in this world to make happy are yourself and your children as you are raising them.

Also, don’t make decisions out of spite. You may get instant gratification at that point, but you’ll feel horrible later. Revenge, oftentimes, is not worth it.

Addiction and depression run in the family. You will be susceptible to both. Do not let either one of them grab you to the point that you don’t want to be anymore. You will have more people than you know or realize counting on you, caring about and loving you, and their world would be destroyed if you were to leave them because of a stupid mistake or depressive thinking. (At least, that's what they keep telling me!) I struggle with this, not daily, weekly, or monthly, but too often for it to be comfortable or considered a fleeting thought.

Reach out for help. You are stubborn and independent, and believe you can take on the world no matter what. In some aspects, you can. But there are times where, even if you don’t think you need it, it’s nice to know that someone has your back. Don’t be so hard-headed that you drive away those that truly want nothing more than to help you succeed in life’s journey.

Surround yourself with what makes you happy. Kids, cats, food, whatever. You only live once, as the saying goes, so why not make it the best that you can while you have the opportunity?

There are many things I look back upon and have those coulda, woulda, shoulda thoughts. Everyone does. But take the steps to make sure most your life doesn’t feel that way. Don’t look back in anger or regret at what you were like at 20 when you’re 50. Be happy that you have lived the life you have, and try to reap the benefits of being around for a long time.