Letter to the Highschool Crush I Wish I Could Forget.

Dear nameless one,

I cannot even write your initials because your initials are what we all called you. Even your first initial is too recognizable, and after five years of being deprived of your beautiful face I find that even now I would like to forget if only to relieve the annoying gnaw and hum at the back of my mind that won't forget you.

You were my first love. That sounds cliché but I really thought that against all the odds we were meant to be together. We liked similar things, we got similar grades and we took the same classes. To me we were equal. I know that to everyone else and even yourself we weren't. Knowing this I persevered. Some could say I was borderline stalking you. I cannot deny that I scoured your facebook to learn more about you because god forbid I talk to you without a reason at school.

I started listening to the Strokes so that we could talk about music together. That was a sweet time in my life. I'd listen to a song and then tell you I liked it; it felt like we were having a regular conversation. Your locker was near mine, one year in highschool and you told me you liked my coat. I was glad.

When we took the course in Italy I basically threw myself at you. I shudder to think how ridiculous I must have looked or what people were saying about me.

One day I did hear what some people had to say "What makes her think she's so special, everyone likes *insert name*"

You were very handsome and a model but again to me I thought we were similar and not because I adopted some of your music. You probably knew I liked you. I didn't know infatuation could be so intense.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell you "I liked you" to get it out of my system. That won't happen now.

In university I saw you a couple of times. The last time I saw you I didn't say anything because you were with a girl who semi-bullied me in highschool. The joke is on me. I should have just said something because I saw her recently and she talked to me warmly like we were friends.

Back in High School I thought that somehow, like in a fairytale, you would come to your senses and know that I was the one for you. It would be just like in the fairytales: I, the not so pretty Cinderella and you, the not so chivalrous prince. 

On the plane ride to Italy I was sitting by myself with a stranger and you said if anyone was being mean to me that you'd beat them up. I appreciated that more than you could know. I wish I knew how you felt. All these memories are taking up valuable memory space in my brain. 

It probably wouldn't have worked even if I wanted it to... 

But inside I wish I could just tell you.

Just once. 

Sincerely,

CR