I Need This

Today I held the body of my uncle in my hands.  I had the residue of his ashes on my fingers as I tore open the plastic bag they sent him home in.  After carefully pouring, filling a white cardboard box almost but not quite to capasity, and placing it in a hole my son dug.  A rock for a headstone and some second hand flowers pilfered from a nearby relative.  I am not a spiritual person but the "God rest your soul, Uncle" came from deep inside and I meant every word of it.  

Standing back, observing my motley family the setting the sky itself.  That moment was perfect no matter our clothes or lack of a preacher.  This was family and how we do things.  This was US. 

So the day wore on one step in front of the other.  Doing things that needed to be done.  

And after a long...so long day.  I am back in my own bed and the emotions in all their biting gnawing ripping sucker punching horror come sliding down that mountain to suffocate me.  Why didn't I see this coming?  Trying to cry quietly so my husband can sleep.  Thankful for the comfort of my dark room.  While wanting some viloent expression punch a hole in the wall kick a door in something!  

So after seven years of setting on a shelf my charming, guitar guru, addict of an Uncle came to rest under a blue sky.  Perfect weather. Beautiful mountains looming.  And a picture post card fishing hole within sight.  Things he would love.  Safely layed next to his father.  

That demon on your back may have taken you too early.  Caused your family grief.  But I will always remember you up on that stage making it all look so easy, effortless.  And that last phone call.  Making plans. "When I get back in fighting and fucking shape...."  

And tonight I cry from the horror of having my loved ones ashes staining my hands.