Heaven Is Empty (Opening)

Adam did not believe in Heaven any more than he believed in the goodwill of corporations, but he believed in seizing opportunities and minimizing risk. Estate sales and comprehensive warranties were just smart ways to play the game measured in profit vs. debt - so in the game of the afterlife, the Church was really the only horse worth betting on.

So it was that Adam regularly attended Church and avoided the risk of sin whenever possible (ask for forgiveness after ogling the cute brunette, don't compare yourself to the smug, lucky Smiths and their perfect teeth). Besides, Church was a great way to network, and Adam had set some lucrative connections during some social luncheons (plus there was free food - that couldn't be overstated). All it cost him was time and the occasional donation to look like a proper member, and the former he spent reviewing his weekly diet - 'not too much fat, which meat was on sale, mix in some super veggies, what recipes would maximize taste for minimal effort' and so on.

Planning down to the detail was dull for many folk, but Adam understood that planning was preparedness. And like the doomsday preppers, he would have an edge on everyone by planning ahead. 401ks, stock market white papers, and daily news reading - Adam was well versed in future forecasts and wealthy retiring.

But like the doomsday preppers, Adam had no true insight into the future, and that was particularly true for his own. All the time he spent micromanaging his finances and heart health did nothing to stop him from being decapitated in an automobile accident on a dry summer day in July.

Perahps if he had spent more time studying traffic reports and safety data, he would have avoided the I-5 that morning.

Nevertheless, Adam followed the letter of the 'get into Heaven' law, and found himself in the fluffy cumulus expanse of Paradise after his bloody demise (emergency personnel would comment for years on how cleanly his head was severed from his neck). The air was quite pure in texture; Adam breathed deeply and found himself relishing it, even though he had no use for 'pure mountain air' while he was alive. The atmosphere was lovely, too - warm yet soothed by a gentle breeze, not far unlike a gentle tropical coast.

To top it off, the faint aroma of toasted marshmallow wafted by. Even Adam's shrewd heart found tinges of nostalgia in that.

A bricked road of gold led the way forward - and being the only discernible path in sight (he was quite uncertain what would happen if he stepped onto the clouds directly), Adam walked it, his grumblings about the unfairness of random chance fading away. Here he was, after all, and he could enjoy righteous smugness for his sensible decisions; he had covered his bases, and Heaven was clearly his just reward.

As he approached the famed pearly gates and the podium of heavenly judgment, he apprehended some discrepancies in the common narrative and his present situation.

First, there was no heavenly chorus to joyously celebrate his arrival or provide delicate ambience to the greatest place in existence.

Second, there was no endless line of departed petitioners discussing their eternity with angels. Adam was, in fact, completely alone here.

And third, the pearly gates were a twisted and tarnished ruin, torn open and half off their hinges.