#32

turning 32 in 5 days. it's a thursday this year. wednesdays are always my lucky days... oh well.

most people get hype about their birthdays. that's never been me. i get contemplative. i like to think about who i am today versus who i was when i came into this world, 20 years ago, 13 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 weeks ago, yesterday...

i've been thinking a lot about shoulda, coulda, woulda's...

would Bernie Sanders really have brought world peace or would he had been just another charismatic fat cat in a suit?

should i have smoked that black before yoga class yesterday and said fuck it i'm just gonna continue to be a walking contradiction? smoker yogi. dark light. fire ice. shy bold. here gone. oscillating between all of the two's... that is the gemini way.

would i be a better friend if i didn't learn at a young age that i like being alone with a book under a tree overlooking some water more than anything on this earth? should i continue to revel in solitude like i am my own nation? would you believe me when i say that i love all of my friends even if i don't always see you?

should i keep grinding for the dream when no one but me can see past the trees? when white men with millions tell me it sounds better coming from someone just not like me?

should i have run from his harsh words when his eyes begged me to stay? should i hate him when he says i am the one who got away? should i bless the new fruit of their unhappy bliss? he told me he sees me whenever they kiss.

(karma collects; my girl, she's a bitch...)

should i believe the words any of them are writing or speaking? would allowing love in my life be as simple as breathing? could giving my heart be the Secret, Life's Meaning? when i laid on your chest we heard our souls speaking...

----

imagine my surprise...

but...

it is rare.

it is truth.

it is us.

----

i have no answers to any of the questions.

all i have is more questions.

----

my niece fell asleep in my arms the other day. i looked into her face that is so much like mine and the veil lifted. for the first time i truly understood the purity of that kind of love-the love between a mother and her child. she is not even my child but i now understand what makes a mother be able to move mountains to make sure her child will never feel pain. that realization pierced me to my core and now i long to know that for myself.

do you realize that only a mother knows what it feels like to carry two souls in her body at one time? how are you ever the same once you have felt the gravity of that truth for yourself? it is not a choice i would make lightly. but it is a choice i would lay my life down for once made.

so, should i? could i? would i?

----

my soul has always been old. my mind has always been fluid. my face seems like it will never age. these truths are both gift and curse.

and this year has been the best and worst year of my life.

i've hurt. i've cried. i've hurt others. i've made others cry. I've smiled. i've laughed. i've leaped. i've yelled. i've been brave. i've been a coward. i've won. i've lost.

i've lost. i've lost. i've lost.

but i learned the lessons. i have seen the beauty and the ugliness. i have realized you can't have one without the other. it's about how you shape it and how you let it shape you.

i have grown into my skin. it is dark with no wrinkles and it drinks up the sun. my soul whirls and twirls with a tambourine in the light of the moon.

i now know what my true name is.

it is a four lettered word but that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful.

~on being 32

selah.k_x