Tangled Thoughts

How do I explain to my friends

My decision to stop drinking

Without also trying to explain to my friends

How it feels to wake up blackout drunk and confused

To the sound of accusations of infidelity.

And how do I explain to my boyfriend

My decision to hide my assault

Without also trying to explain to my boyfriend

How it feels to soberly resist

And choke on your no.

And how do I explain to someone new

How it feels to get up each morning in the same tainted bed

Without also trying to explain to someone new

How it feels to crave the darkness of a glass bottle sloshing with

Vodka, and club soda, and water flavoring drops.

And how do I explain to my father

How it feels to watch others find that darkness

Without also trying to explain to my father

My struggle choosing between the relief of fruit punch-flavored memory erasure

And still loving myself.