Decisions, decisions: a short chapter.
I heard something behind me. My breathing felt completely involuntary, blood rushing to my cheeks as the adrenaline made the room feel swelteringly hot. My neck was itching, tingling with the heat.The easiest thing in the world felt suddenly so complicated.
"Belle!"
I stumbled back into self-awareness, looking up at David's face.
"What?" I said out loud, my voice sounding foreign to me.
"Why are you...why did you stop just then?"
A pipet clenched in my right hand hovered over the rim of the test tube. I was trying to keep it steady. My thumb was poised over the trigger, ready to inject the contents of the pipet into the tube.
"I didn't...I mean, what do you mean?" I said, wiping some sweat off my forehead carefully with my forearm.
I saw him really look at me, sending shivers down my spine.
"What are you doing? We don't have time for this. Do it."
The urgency in his voice rang out in through the empty aisles and deserted lab benches. Hell, there were only a few lights on. It must have been around one in the morning.
He took an exasperated breath, adjusting his lab coat.
"What is it? What's the matter?" He almost sounded concerned.
"I just don't know if-" I stopped suddenly. I honestly didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"You don't know if, what? If we should save thousands of lives-what kind of question is that?!" He lashed out angrily at a tray of test tubes. I didn't flinch as they shattered on the floor.
"That's not-"
"Yes it is! This could save, everyone. Everyone. How can you hesitate in a moment like this-"
"Why shouldn't I!" I answered back angrily, meeting his gaze. I stood up, away from my stool, leaving the pipet on the table. He seemed appalled.
"This is completely insane. You know what? Get out of my way." He brusquely pushed me aside. Off balance, I toppled over a stool, knocking over a mountain of glassware. I was on the floor but I didn't get up as I watched him scan through my notes, looking for the protocol I had mentioned before we'd come into the lab.
"Where is it?" He demanded. I said nothing.
He went back over to my desk. I could see a flurry of papers as he looked through everything. He stomped back out to walk over and grab me by both sides of my lab coat's collar and hoisting me up against the bench.
"Where is it Belle! Are you telling me you didn't write any of this down? A protocol like that would be too complicated to perform from memory,"
I was almost afraid to tell him.
"I did memorize it. I tested the procedure out yesterday,"
The shock seemed too much. He let go of my lab coat, stepping back and away from me. That seemed to register more than him grabbing my lab coat, and I suddenly felt doubtful.
"You knew? You've been sitting on this for 24 hours and you chose today to tell me about it?! Why?" He said, perplexed. He leaned back on the bench across from me. somehow exhausted.
"I had to think about it. The consequences of this could extend to everyone-"
"I know that! There are a lot of lives at stake-"
"They won't be able to feel," I said finally, letting go of the secret that I'd been keeping.
He sat down on one of the bar stools, removing his latex gloves and running a hand through his blonde hair.
"What do you mean, like they won't feel pain?"
"No. I mean they won't be able to feel emotions at all,"
"What," He said in disbelief. "That's impossible. These neurotransmitters aren't-"
"I don't know how it works David, I really don't, I-"
I stood up, turning my back to him, frustration ringing in my own ears.
"I may have underestimated my own abilities. This drug, it keeps the neurotransmitters intact. They continue to degrade so all normal functioning in the brain remains but...I don't know, I don't know what's causing this-"
"Belle, this is just speculation. How could you possibly know what the side effects..."
I looked back at him, the answer clearly on my face. Then he really looked concerned.
"Oh my god. Who did you give it to?"
"My father," I said, emotion making my voice break.
"Are you completely insane? Is he alive?" He asked incredulously, standing beside me.
"He is. He's alive." I said.
"Well, this is good, it works-"
"Is it good David?" I asked.
"I don't think you understand what I'm saying. He can't feel, anything. He can't cry, he can't feel anger. Or fear. Or love. Nothing registers on an emotional level. Nothing,"
"What about the tumors themselves?"
"All the cells were intact. It's like they've been rejuvenated. I only wanted to heal the damaged cells but it worked better than I thought it would. But I don't think you're hearing what I'm saying-"
"This is brilliant" He said, completely occupied by this revelation, sounding in awe.
Then he turned to me.
"You're brilliant,"
Before I knew what was happening, he was kissing me. I broke it off, stumbling back, completely confused. He fixed his lab coat, looking like he was trying to register what had just happened. The air felt overtaken by a range of emotions by both parties. It seemed impossible to speak through it.
"I'm sorry. I never thought you might..." His face was flushed. My mind was racing as I waited for him to finish the sentence. A minute turned into a long silence where it looked like he wouldn't. I could hear him breathing as I struggled to breath as well. I looked over at all the broken glass on the floor.
"Listen to me David. If we do this, there's no way to fix it. This is permanent. I don't, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what's causing it. The damage could be irreparable."
"You're bleeding,"
Startled, I looked to where his gaze was hovering. When I fell before, my shin had been grazed by all the glass. It was bleeding badly. I hadn't felt the pain until now. He offered me a chair, with a first aid kit in hand.
In the silence, we contemplated what to do as he put gauze on the cut.
"What did you mean earlier, when you said 'Why shouldn't I hesitate'."
I was looking away, trying not to see the bright red out of my peripheral vision.
"I just meant the gravity of the decision, seemed like a lot of responsibility,"
He shook his head.
"I don't think that's what you meant at all. I think you meant that you weren't sure if humanity was worth saving,"
I cried out in pain as he applied a second dressing.
It was really hurting now.
"That sounds like the description of an...irredeemable person," I said, feeling the depth of my words. I didn't want to see his face, expecting hate or complete disdain or both.
But when I looked up, I saw the opposite.
"Maybe that person's just human like the rest of us," He said simply.
"That person's definitely someone that, I would have faith in, because they see all of what we are and they accept it. Good and bad. Besides, I don't know if any of us are completely redeemable. Do you?"
I couldn't look away, and I couldn't answer back. He didn't seem to mind.
"David! Belle!" We looked over to our left and down the hall we could see Dr. Loudon emerge, heading towards us from a distance carrying a couple of notebooks.
"Looks like he's been working on something too." David said.
"What do we do now?" I asked.
"That depends. Do you see reason for us to continue?"
I tried not to overthink the question, wincing as I shifted my injured shin.
"Life's such a pain" I said, finally.
We stood up.